And the Sound of Galloping Horses

I've been holding my breath for the past 12 weeks. And it's not just because I'm trying to keep the puke down.

The anxiety associated with experienced miscarrying mother's first trimester tends to taint their entire pregnancy. This time around, the headaches and nausea have actually helped reassure my fears. And they've also helped me focus on the present, as opposed to the near future in which my children will out number me three to one (hoooollly shhhhheeeeeet).

Somehow the headaches just don't seem that bad.

But they haven't been "Oh these darn pregnancy migraines" and I haven't had "Damn that baby hormone induced nausea." And considering I've been jacked up on hormones for the last four years, the violent emotional outbursts are sadly almost common place.

As are the deep feelings of guilt and embarrassment for not being able to control them.

My "Who you calling pregnant, sucka?"attitude was surprisingly unshaken at the ultrasound visit. Even the cute arm and leg stumps, along with the clearly marked "FETUS" didn't phase me. There's always another milestone to get to -- 9 weeks isn't 12 weeks. 12 weeks isn't 17 weeks (when my friend miscarried). 17 weeks isn't 28 weeks when the baby could survive well outside my womb.

My ambivalence was then officially confirmed at my first midwife visit.

"So, when was your last period?"

"Um, late December, I think..."

"And what's your due date?"

"Er, Fall?"

"And you're taking pre-natal vitamins?"

"Does Extra Strength Tylenol have folic acid?"

And apparently the only weight I've gained is exactly the weight of the baby and a side of amniotic fluid and placenta. In fact, it was probably the weight of my pee and sneakers. And in some crazy fluke, I can actually still wear my own pants, which for me is a world record.

But then I heard the sound of the galloping horses, running strong and fast in the bottom of my belly. And for the first time in the last 12 weeks, I breathed a sigh of relief. I even hopped on the internet to grab some maternity essentials (since all mine are hold up in my closet in Atlanta). 

And I'm proud to admit what is causing my headaches and nausea.

Trying to figure out what in God's name we will be naming this baby.

--

Totally unrelated: I need about five kickass (meaning tasty and easy) freezer meals. If you have a great one (or ones), PLEASE email them to me.

Comments

[kittenpie]

I must admit, I'm feeling a bit the same way not because of my own experience, but because I've now known some people to see some scary-ass stuff on their tests and ultrasounds and I just can't relax and tell people about this until I've seen those to be as okay as they can look. But like you, the heartbeat was a bit reassuring, at least for a few minutes. I think the ultrasound and the visit the week after will be when I feel like I can let go of that breath a little. So yeah, it sucks to feel a bit ambivalent, a bit on edge, but I totally get that.

[b]

Tears for joy and fears. Heh.

[Kim@Religiarchy]

Recipe. So good, I got it from someone who brought it to me after a baby. And I've since given it to other new moms. And I've been forced to give out the recipe each time. Easy to make/freeze:

3 large chicken breasts, cubed
1 chopped onion
garlic, pepper, salt
Cook the chicken, onion & spices in a skillet.

1 bag of flour tortillas, cut into 1" strips
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of celery soup
16 oz shredded cheddar cheese
1 can chopped green chilies
Mix all this together in a large bowl, then mix in the cooked chicken. Spread the whole mixture in a 9x13 pan which will be thick (or I often make it two meals by using two 11x7 or 9x9 pans).

1/4 cup chopped tomato
1/4 cup chopped green onion
Add these as topping after you've gotten the mixture in pan(s)

Bake it at 350 until it's just getting golden on top, about 30-40 mins if thawed. Probably about an hour frozen.

Best wishes.

[the mama bird diaries]

Yes. Such enormous relief at 12 weeks. I felt the same way.

That's wonderful.

[gretta]

:) xoxo

[tracey]

It's a lovely sound, isn't it? You could record it for me and I'd listen to it daily...

Freezer meals. Heh. Heh. That would indicate that I actually cook, wouldn't it? Heh.

[Sara]

Casserole:
Chopped spinach (frozen or fresh)
1/2 sm. container sour cream
1/2 lg. container cottage cheese
1/2 cup parmesan
any other cheese in fridge that might spoil
hot sauce
salt, pepper, basil
cooked pasta (rotini, shells, whatever)
Mix it all together, put into one of those disposable tin baking pans. defrost and cook. You can also use same mixture to fill large shells then top with sauce from a jar when heating.

[Her Bad Mother]

This was EXACTLY my experience when I first heard the heartbeat. EXACTLY.

XOXOXOXOX

[Manic Mommy]

I loved those milestones; first time hearing the heartbeat, first ultrasound, first kicks.

No more ambivalence.

I suck at cooking no recipes forthcoming.

[Amanda]

Congrats on making it to 12 weeks! With mine I was hooked up to IVs from puking at that point.

As for meals to freeze, my favorites are classics. Frozen pizza, Stouffer's lassagna, Bertolli dinners, hot dogs, waffles, ice cream (dairy is a food group), etc. My kids probably think OreIda is a food group too thanks to hubby.

[Kimberly C]

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cheddar-Beef-Enchiladas/Detail.aspx

^^^ So very good.

[kyra]

i just LOVE those galloping horses! i remember that beautiful sound. SO happy to heard it! exciting!

[Adria]

Congratulations! I wish you and your baby the best of health.
I hope you feel better soon.

[the new girl]

That is THE BEST SOUND EVER. It was the best part of my wretched pregnancy by FAR.

Well, you know. Except for the BABY.

[Phoenix]

Yea for hearing heartbeats. Congrats by the way.

On freezer foods, did you mean things that you can make that freeze well or things that come already frozen that are really good? I'll give you a few ideas of each. Homemade spagetti sauce, chili and soups freeze well. In fact thats all I think freeze well...but I'm a food brat.

Frozen foods that I like are the Bertolli skillet meals. I generally add a bit of olive oil, garlic and maybe some meat in ones that don't have any in it, but they're dam tasty. Also, I'm a big fan of California Pizza kitchen pizzas.

[Zellmer]

Congrats. Will you find out the gender? If my second had been a girl, I was going to name her Paisley Jane. I love that name.

[Mama V]

Congrats!

Please share those freezer meals! We're due with #2 soon, and running out of ideas for stocking up! :)

[apricoco]

wow, congrats. really. i can't imagine how great it must be to hear the heartbeat. i'd be jumping .. er.. puking for joy.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Amen. I bought one of those doppler things and kept it in my closet all those long 9 months just so I knew I could hear the heartbeat when I got all panicky and couldn't have a xanax. Of course I didn't use it because I was terrified of NOT being able to find the heartbeat so really I just wasted a lot of money. Still, it was the next best thing to a cocktail.

Does this comment even make sense? Forgive me. I'm high.

[Lotta]

I will never forget that heartbeat sound. That and the SHHHHH SHHHH sound of the fetal monitor at the hospital that they velcroed to your belly.

Glad you're doing so well!

[Mom101]

Huge!

Or is it...Little!

Either way, so happy for you.

(And don't make me confess how often I took my prenatals. Because I think I could count it on fingers and toes.)

[Sara]

I'm so happy for you. I'm expecting my first this summer, and despite no previous miscarriages, have constantly been looking to the next milestone to prove everything is OK. The heartbeat is such a wonderful sound!!

[mamatulip]

Ditto what MGM said.

[mothergoosemouse]

Relief isn't spelled R-O-L-A-I-D-S, it's H-E-A-R-T-B-E-A-T.

[aoife]

you know, my miscarriage didn't bother me too much (there being many good reasons why we miscarry before 12 weeks) until I got pregnant this round. And then it bit me in the ass. I am 13 weeks and I am going in for my first prenatal visit this week ... I just couldn't help thinking that it wasn't worth the effort if my body was just going to reject it. And now, the nausea and exhaustion are gone ... which were my really good signs that stuff was still hanging on... I hope my anxiety about this gets better.

So glad you got to see a picture. It helps a lot, I think.

[mrs. chicken]

I felt the same way when I heard that heartbeat.

I will email you a recipe.

[MommyTime]

Hurray for the sound of the heartbeat. Such a glorious wonder...

I'll email you at least one great recipe...coming soon.

[jaelithe]

That heartbeat sound is the most beautiful sound on Earth. I was so ambivalent about my pregnancy with my son, because it was unplanned, and the timing was terrible-- my husband had just lost his job when I found out I was pregnant.

Until I heard that heartbeat for the first time. And then I was overcome by the wonder that there was really a person being made in there.

I hope that this pregnancy, if nothing else in your life, will continue to be uncomplicated!

[Heather]

Congrats on hearing the heartbeat. Pregnancy IS a very scary and exciting thing.

So is naming the baby. We still haven't named our Munchkin...hope we come up with a name before she arrives in about 8 weeks!

[Vicky]

I'm with you on this one. I am excited and nervous and can't wait to get past the first 12 weeks.

[Frumpy Luv]

Each time I have felt like I have been shoveling pregnancy lies (despite horrible nausea and headaches) until I hear that heartbeat. What a wonderfully reassuring sound.

[margaret]

That's great. The first time you hear the heartbeat is always a cause to celebrate!

[SciFi Dad]

Maybe I'm just dense (or perhaps just a man) but what are the galloping horses? Did you feel the baby (flutters)?

Regardless, it sounds like you're doing better, and I'm glad for that.