Forgiveness.

I can recount for you all the painful things that I've experienced over my short stint as a mother. Maybe it's because I'm a woman, or maybe it's because you don't so quickly forget crying every night because your husband tells you that your daughter doesn't like him so you have to go in for the 14th time to put her back down to sleep.

That's just one of a thousand wrongs.

And these wrongs, these stupid comments, and these ridiculous actions (by him and his family) have been grating on my soul for the last four years. Every single word pierces my brain and I can hear them like he just said them two minutes ago.

He's since apologized, but there's only so many "I'm sorry, now let me return to my previous behavior"s that one person can stomach. How really truly sorry are you?

And so I've become bitter and distant. I jump on his words before he says them. I growl at his comments before he can even get them out of his mouth.

The love we had got lost somewhere between our first and second children.

And then a few weeks ago, something almost totally unforgiveable happened. No, my husband is not *Eliot Spitzer, but I thought long and hard if I could stand next to him and listen to him give his "resignation" speech. Could I do a Hillary Clinton and "stand by my man?"

But with two amazing children already here, and another yet to arrive, I have decided to do what I have never ever done before.

Forgive.

I've been wronged by another man in my life, and like another, I made a conscious decision not to forgive him. He did not deserve my time, my energy or my forgiveness.

But this man, who indeed loves my children more than life itself, and who is trying extremely hard to make things right, does. It took me a long time to get to this point.

I know it's not going to be easy to stick to it. Maybe I need to write this so I can remain accountable to myself. But all the shit that has accummulated over the last four seemingly very long years needs to go. I can't carry it anymore.

I'm still mad. I'm still very very very mad. 

But we love each other. And we love our kids.

And I'm not quite ready to give up it all up just yet.

*Consequently, my husband did NOT cheat on me by any means. I'm using these as examples.