I don't dream in metaphors. It's probably because I have no brain power leftover to try to interpret what some oddly attractive green monster wearing my underwear on his head doing the macarena in my bathroom means.
So, I clearly got the message when I had a dream that my then serious college boyfriend left me at the altar and priest said to me "just because you've been together for three years doesn't mean you need to marry that asshole."
And when that same boyfriend and I were sitting naked in a tub last night and he said "Your body looks great for having three kids," I got it clear as day.
That and one hell of a... well... yeah. You know.
I've been coming to grips with the effects of childbirthing and rearing on my dear old body. I wouldn't consider myself a vain person, but watching your breasts become ever so uneven and saggy is disconcerting to anyone. The stomach is floppier. The ass is flatter. And there's just an uncanny amount of extra hair.
I'm not sure which is harder -- loving a body in transition or dressing one. Clothes (and boobs too, I guess) are either too big or too small and never just right.
Sure, maybe some of it is fixable with the right shirt and a good pair of jeans if you've got the time to search for them, but there's plenty that requires a bit more effort. Extra treadmill minutes. Extra spa hours. Extra saline in those breast implants that have my name on them. None of which are feasible (or even realistic) when you've been pregnant or breastfeeding for most of the last four years.
And it's made even harder when you're focused on about 5,679 other things, like well, your child's life and sleeping for longer than three hours in a row (to name a couple), that you just don't become as concerned that arms wave back.
That is until you're standing, naked in front of the mirror, staring at yourself. Remebering what used to be and seeing what is now, and crying a little.
Or, a lot.
Because beauty past and beauty present is just a bit hard to swallow.
And so I've come to slowly realize that the body that used to be one hell of an amusement park ride has become a rusty old merry-go-round and rinky-dink roller coaster. And I just don't have the cash laying around to invest in upgrading it, at least anytime soon.
But at least I'm reminded, thanks to one little dream, that it's most definitely still worth taking for a ride.