Tossed Aside.

I've been thinking a lot about Eliot Spitzer's wife. And Hillary Clinton. And the millions of women that are traded in every year for a newer, fresher model. Flatter stomach. Tighter ass.

You know, less wear and tear.

That's not to say that either of these women weren't bitches and deserved to be cheated on. But I'm willing to bet that if they are bitches, they certainly didn't just come to that place all on their own.

I'm beginning to think that motherhood brings with it some level of hardness. When you've carried however many children, birthed however many children, and raised however many children, well, it's not the easiest job in the world. The hormones certainly don't help. And the lack of status. And appreciation. And recognition.

So we give all the love and joy and happiness that our poor old bodies can spare to our kids. We try to smile as much as we used to. And we try to be the best that we can be.

But I don't think motherhood softens us as women. In fact, I think in some ways, it makes us tougher. 

I'm a firm believer that an empathic spouse can be the deal breaker for many women's experiences of motherhood. I know they can't be mothers. But they can see the look in our face. The furrow in our brow.

The tears in our eyes.

I'm not saying that mothers should get free rein to be raging bitches. But I do wonder when we'll ever get cut some slack. When instead of fighting back, we'll get an outstretched hand. When society will begin raising people (men in particular) who are empathic to mothers and our experience.

I realize motherhood isn't any harder for me than it was for my mother. And maybe I'm just not as good as dealing with it as she was. Actually, I know I'm not as good at it. But like everything else in this world, we're all not as cut out for everything as we'd like to think. It's a little hard for some of us to swallow. It's even harder for some of us to admit. Some of us need a little more help than others. Some of us need a little more coddling. Hand holding.

Because when you systematically feel like you don't exactly know what you're doing at least once every single day of your life, it can grate on you. The havoc that is wreaked on your mind and psyche changes you. And when you wake up every morning feeling like you will never exactly be able to get everything done or accomplished, it just really sucks, particularly when you're not dealing with your own expectations, but somebody else's.

We must be the someone for everyone. And so, who is that someone for us?

Like anything that's put through the ringer, we need some TLC. A little shining up, a little respite, a little jump start.

That might not be good enough for some people to quit shopping around. But here's hoping that society will take some time to refurbish their mothers before tossing them aside.

We all know that we are more than worthy.

And if you don't, you should said it right now with me.

Comments

[b]

Reading the guys' comments I have to think that all of this means both people are accountable. We mom's get pre-occupied with being GREAT MOM'S that we forget that we were (most of us) wives first.

Mostly I think having little ones is the hardest part because they are not very independent. How the hell are we supposed to pluck our eyebrows while our 4 year old is under us smearing lipstick all over her face, the carpet and the baby? There are only so many hours in a damn day. But appreciation for what we do have and the time we do get as partners might keep the flame alive enough to get through the constant-ness of parenting little ones.

[Suburban Turmoil]

Well, the gym is working wonders for me (along with its daycare). I've found that when I feel good about myself, I'm not so dependent on how others make me feel. :)

Hang in there. You're going to get through this and come out even better and stronger. And cooler. Wayyyy cooler.

[Marybell Rice]

Just realized my comment didn't address the suckiness that you were really writing about. I am really sorry you aren't getting the support you need - and deserve. Giving and getting empathy is part of being human. I hope it gets better.

[Marybell Rice]

Waht an interesting post. I think motherhood has made me tougher- and harder on my husband. He mentions it sometimes, trying to make it a joke but I know it actually bothers him- that I now know what i want and am not afraid to tell him. He's right, and while I should probably, for the sake of marital harmony, sugarcoat my barked orders, I don't feel bad about this at all. It's not a bad thing for me to be a little harder - mothering is not for the weak.
Regarding the whole "deserve to be cheated on" debate, the sad truth is that every kind of woman gets cheated on. It has very little or no relation to the wife- or even the quality of the relationship. Guys' cheating comes out of another place - their own maturity or lack thereof, their recklessness. And of couse, a particular body part.

[Occidental Girl]

Well-said! When you feel as though, at least once per day, you don't know what you're doing and furthermore, that you'll get criticized for it....well, it does suck.

[I'm Not Skippy]

What kind of people are you married to? My wife and I have a 5-month-old. She gets more sleep than me (I get him when he fusses at night), I've gotten up for every late night feeding, I made a deal if she nurses I'll do all the diaper changes (unless I'm not there). . . I consider it a pleasure.

I read your blog often and I wonder why you put up with what you do, especially with regard to his family.

As for the cheating, I agree a bit with Jay. My interest in my wife has not been diminished since having a kid (if anything it's increased). Her interest in me has drastically gone down. Men have feelings too. Rejection hurts. Don't give us an excuse.

Of course our son is only 5 months old it may change over time. What do I know? I'm new.

[Miss Britt]

What surprised me the most in this post was:

"That's not to say that either of these women weren't bitches and deserved to be cheated on."

No one deserves to be cheated.

Not bitches. Not anyone.

If you're unhappy - get help. Get counseling. Get a divorce. Whatever.

But no one "deserves" to be cheated on.

[JayMonster]

And now I sit back and await becoming the sacrificial lamb.

[JayMonster]

Interesting, and some of the comments bring up some good points as well, but I feel that there is also a lot of excuse giving for the moms here.

Look at truedadconfessions.com. See if you see some common threads here. I am not excusing men (or society) for challenges that women face. They are all absolutely true. Difficulties in balance of life, difficulties in a society that is split between stay at home is a must and the others that say stay at homes are sellouts. It is confusing, I am sure, and stressful and so on. But... (that was obvious wasn't it?) there are some issues also at play.

There are a lot of cases (and obviously not all), where women lose any sort of semblance of interest in their husband. The man becomes second (or third or more) in level of importance. The husband becomes the handy man with the honey-do list that never ends, and the target of every complaint (including the fact that the honey -do list is "never done")

Woman often complain that their husbands no longer "romance" them, but at the same time do very little to draw any interest themselves.

None of this is meant to be an excuse for philandering, but at the same time, it needs to be factored into the equation as well.

[Lisse]

The only thing that pisses me off more than guys who trade in their wives for a younger version (who often looks frighteningly like the first wife did 10 years previous) are the ones that upon the arrival of their second (or third) set of kids decide they "really want to be a dad this time." Sheesh! How must the first set of kids feel?

Personally, I do think motherhood is harder for our generation than it was for our mothers. The expectations are higher and there is so much that our parents did that is now frowned upon.

I hate that mothers are not allowed to be seen as whole people with a full range of emotions, especially when motherhood kicks those emotions (hormonal or otherwise) into high gear.

[Susan Getgood]

Don't sell yourself short on mothering quality, Kristen. None of us should. We know how inadequate we feel sometimes to deal with what our kids dish out. But guess what, even if we don't remember it and/or didn't know at the time, *our* mothers had their moments of doubt too. And now they get to be grandmothers, and that's a cushy job if ever there was :-)

[Manic Mommy]

So much in this post that I nodded at in agreement. Except my own expectations are the ones I find hardest to live up to.

[Tammy]

You need some "me" time! I stay at home also but have a wonderfully supportive husband who has FINALLY learned to allow me to have an occasional rant. (it took him almost 17 years!). That permission coupled with my 2 long weekend girls trips per year keep me sane and gives him a view from MY perspective. I highly recommend it!

[ArtGirl]

Melissa,

It's interesting that people frown at you when you say you're not going back to work. Because people frown at me when I tell them I did go back to work. (You know... oh, those poor kids!)

I think that's the hardest part of being a mother. No matter what decisions you make and no matter how carefully you make them, someone is always right there waiting to judge you.

[Eve]

Amazing post and oh so true!!

[S. Moore]

My sister from another(African American) mother!!!!

PREACH, SISTA, PREACH!!!!

[the new girl]

I often say that all my nice is used up on this baby. As she gets easier, though, it's easier to be nicer to my deserving spouse (he really is deserving.)

Is it any better when the kids are older and more self-sufficient? The people I know who stayed married that long seem happier and nicer to each other then.

I'm hoping to make it that long to find out...

[Her Bad Mother]

Um, I think that we *should* get free reign to be raging bitches. Sometimes, at least. Especially when we're pregnant. Just sayin'.

[Kristin]

I think about this kind of thing a lot too. And I think it's a big part of why I am OK with being a single Mom, even if it's forever.

[submommy]

This is where I'm exceedingly fortunate. I have a husband who made a conscious decision to not sit like a lump while I did all the work, like his dad. I couldn't have dreamed of a better man to have kids with. Go out with the girls? No problem. Away for the weekend? No problem. Cook? No problem.

Being a Mom CAN harden you. So, IMO, it's doubly important that you stay a little soft in the right places so you can still give and receive love.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

You hit it right on, Melissa. Thanks for sending that point home!

[melissa warren]

I agree completely with one addition- I do not think that it is men alone that cause the problem. Things like paid maternity leave, free day care, longer hospital stays for new moms, and just general respect would go along way to help ease our stress. I think society makes our job much harder. I have been asked 800 times in 16 months when I am going back to work, and all of the people who have asked have been women. All of the people who have asked also frown when I said I am not going back to work. I think other countries show more respect for the moms than America. Americans are very much about drawing a pay check and if you are not doing that no one cares.

*I wish I lived closer to you so I could watch your kids while you get a pedicure. You deserve one. And for crying-out-loud tell that husband of to hire a cleaning service. We spend $60 a month to have the house cleaned and it keeps us from fighting.

[Christina]

I count myself among the lucky that I have a husband who understands how tough it is to be a mom. And I make sure to get out every now and then, leaving the girls with him, so he will remember how hard it can be to be the primary caregiver to two needy children. I'm glad he's willing to put in his share of the work at home.

(And men who cheat on their wives are complete cowards who would rather find an easy escape rather than work on the problems at home or go through the hassle of divorce.)

[alison]

YES. I hate the feeling of not being able to finish everything on my "to do" list because too many other things to deal with pop up during the day. Also, being a bit of a control freak, I have a hard time asking for help. It makes for some real stressful times. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels overwhelmed sometimes (okay, all the time).

[Frances]

I never thought of it that way.
Thanks for sharing. Gives me a bit of insight.

[ArtGirl]

Here's a good way to make your husband more aware of the sacrifices you make: Go out of town for a few days and leave the kids with him. Make sure his mother won't be around to help, either.

Of course, many men will come back at you with the "I'm a man, so I'm not cut out for this" crap. Like it's so much easier and more natural for us to make sacrifices because we have two X chromosomes.

[Mom101]

This is such a compelling perspective - in that context, I hadn't thought of those women as mothers until now. They were just the scorned wives.

I think part of the issue though is that their husbands in many ways are still frat boys. Grow up and stop chasing what was yours to chase four decades ago.

[Grandmere]

I can tell you when the time comes...my time is now. I look at the three I raised and watch them with their own and I see and I understand who I am and who I am to them. My husband is a great dad...he is a partner. I have learned to accept the flaws in him and in myself, to appreciate the time I had with my three. And grandchildren..what a bonus! Pure joy and love.

[Angie in Texas]

some of my thoughts exactly lately! i wish there was some magical way to make people in general more aware of the sacrifices that mothers make every. day. of. our. lives.

these really are the hardest years - until teenage-hood (i've heard) . . .

[mothergoosemouse]

I'd be in a straitjacket if it weren't for Kyle. I try to remember that when he leaves his socks lying around.

[Assertagirl]

These are the kinds of thoughts that race through my head whenever I contemplate motherhood...although I am not yet a mother, I hope that when the day comes, I will be able to express my needs as eloquently as you have here.

[Traceytreasure]

I've been meaning to tell you that the first time my girls saw your picture on your blog they said, and I kid you not, "She's so beautiful, Mom, is she a movie star?" That's gotta make you feel good!

[Traceytreasure]

I agree with everything you said. I've been pregnant for 3 years and 12 days total(4 kids) I have been sleep deprived for at least 8 years. I've learned to ask for help and appreciation if I feel I need it. I've learned that you don't get help unless you ask for it. Ask for what you want NOW! Don't hold back! It took me too long to figure all of this out. I'm only giving advice because it worked for me. When your kids are older you'll get your recognition. They will make you so proud. I'm sure they already do! Looking back at my experience, you are going through the toughest time(at least it was for me) now. Don't forget to breathe! Sending you hugs and thanks for sharing.