California is in a Different Time Zone! And Other Tidbits Of Wisdom I'm So Glad I Called My In-Laws to Get

*Updates below!

Liz and I have been afforded a great media opportunity that will take us out to the Bay area in a couple of weeks. And as you might have guessed, the only childcare option I am left with, after handing out flyers at the local zoo, is my in-laws.

Now before you jump down my throat and tell me what I know you are going to tell me then let me tell you that you are wrong.

Totally and utterly wrong.

Clearly, their tom-ass-foolery can be pretty hilarious, embarrassing, or outright depressing, depending on what kind of mood you're in. But when it specifically affects the kids, then I'm a little concerned.

Okay, I'm scared shitless.

Over the course of four years, they've changed less diapers than I have fingers and they've fed my daughter a marshmallow peep for a snack, which I suppose is better considering they've skipped her entire lunch on a different occasion. They also believe that dessert is a food group, with charter members chocolate milk straws from the dollar store, jello, and pudding, all delightfully flavored with Splenda.

And they've also never been alone with Drew for more than two hours.

So in my desperation, I reluctantly called my father-in-law to make sure they would be able to help me out. It was made a bit more awkward since I've avoided all contact with them after the whole mother-in-law debacle, so I was less than thrilled to have to engage in a conversation.

But lucky me! I was quickly reminded why I had enjoyed not talking to them, particularly as my father-in-law seriously explained to me the concept behind the Pacific Time Zone (huh, what's that?) and how flying back from California to Philadelphia would take extra long due to something called a "time change."

Considering he's the same man who explained how to put a trash bag in a trash can, I shouldn't really be surprised, however, at this juncture in my life, I have no patience left to just nod, chuckle, and write a funny blog post.

I mean, the last time I checked, I'm a fairly functioning human. With a brain. And better, a few college degrees.

"I'm married to a pilot, you know," I told him. "And I've actually been to California a few times. I think I get that I won't get back until late on Friday."

But then I had to convince him that thanks to a really crappy moldy stinky mattress that Drew had a major allergic reaction to, he will not be sleeping in their crib.

That proved to be a bit more difficult. 

"But the mattress is marked hypoallergenic." Um, okay. It's not when you keep it under your bed where the cats piss, so I'll just buy a playpen.

"But it was probably just the blanket we put on it." Yeah, except I took that blanket off and burned it and he was still coughing and sneezing, so I'll just buy a playpen.

"But I think it was just the room itself or maybe the season." Right, so many people have February allergies. I'll just buy a playpen.

[insert choice words, eye rolls, heavy breathing, and visions of a playpen shooting through their roof and landing on his head]

And for a brief moment, I decided that maybe I shouldn't go. That it just wasn't worth the headache, the fear, the worry, and the systematic desensitization I will have to put my children through after their stay.

But other then understanding that it's incredibly silly and terribly illogical of me, and sending a playpen, sippy cups, and set of baby spoons to their house thanks to a Target gift card I had laying around, I realized how much of a shining star of a mom I'm going to look like upon my return. And considering my level of parenting these days, I'm desperate for all the brownie points that I can get.

--

So my mom and BFF are headed over to see the kids on Thursday and Friday while I'm gone. And they promised to bring food just in case. Now just to manage the flight to Philly with both kids. Alone.

Eep.

Comments

[Jodi]

Another Bay Area person - I'd love to watch 'em!

[Smiling Mom]

I live in the Bay Area! Bring them over. :-)

[Going Crunchy]

I so relate to your post. I've never actually let my Mom keep my kids by herself. My sister must be present. Little things like leaving Lysol on the floor, walking off with a baby in the high chair, forgetting that they need to sleep. I could go on and on......so I hear ya!

Kristen-I know I'm a stranger, but I'll happily keep your kids and do a bang up job for free. I have two amazing boys, am a skilled and loving Mama and frequently keep a friend's little girl. I'm a children's librarian, though not Soule Mama I'm pretty sure that your kids would have a great time.

I'm in Illinois- - -

At the very least- - do you have any temporary Nanny possibilities?

[jaelithe]

Lawdy, lady. Next time you have to cross the country, take a stop off in my flyover state and leave the kids with me.

I used to be a nanny, you know. I have references and everything.

And I would be THRILLED beyond words to feed vegetables to kids who would actually eat them. My word.

And moldy things are absolutely not allowed in my house, given my husband's allergies.

Good luck . . .

[Christina]

Wow, Kristen, if I knew you needed a babysitter, I would have offered to keep them rather than send them back to that moldy mattress. That just makes me itchy.

If only you could hook up a nanny cam. But at least TNG and your mom will be checking to make sure the kids still have clothes on and food to eat.

[the new girl]

I say prep Q to yell, 'Dee Dee I'm SOOOOOO hungry! every couple hours.

I'm packing the juice boxes as we speak.

[dana]

Congrats on the media/TV gig. That's great. CMP is awesome. Will us little people get to see you on TV?

As for the grandparents, I have no advice. I'm just sending luck. You can always leave the kids with me. I'm a WAHM now and DAWSON NEEDS PLAYMATES! NEEDS THEM SO....really he does.

[mothergoosemouse]

Where the cats piss? WHERE THE CATS PISS???

There's my deal-breaker.

Plan for a layover in Denver and drop the kids off here.

[Lara]

i'd totally watch your kids for you, and i live in the bay area. if not, are you and the lovely liz going to be free for drinks at all? (well, i guess a nonalcoholic one for you, eh?) i'd love to meet up!

[Liz]

Oy, the explanations and instructions are neverending; aren't they?

Good luck on your trip!

[Mom101]

Yeah, but dude, it's TV.

Totally worth your kids not eating anything nutritious for three days.

[Tammy]

Oh My! Are we married to the same man??!! Because I swear we share a father-in-law!

[Her Bad Mother]

BREATHE DEEPLY.

Yes, they are seriously problematic grandparents. But you have sturdy offspring, and they will survive. And with a little meditation (yes, I know that should read MEDICATION, but, you know, THOSE FETUSES) and some hand-holding from Liz, you will too.

Just make sure Q puts them through their paces.

[ster]

all i heard was that you and liz will be here.. near where i'm at.. and well, i don't care if you leave the kids AT the damn zoo (monkeys are great carekeepers, i'm sure)... just CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE HERE.

[SherE1]

I just clicked on all the links to your previous posts and all I can say is "please don't leave your children with them!!!!" Just kidding. I have to commend you for your ability to put up with those kind of in-laws. I'm fortunate that I get along pretty well with mine. The only time it gets hairy is when it comes to my step-daughter. Apparently, I am ALWAYS unfair and and picking on her, in their eyes. *sigh* I guess. Whatever.

[Miss Britt]

My in-laws might drive me nuts, but I can at least say they take very good care of the kids when given a chance.

I mean, sure, RULES are a thing of the past.

But at least their well fed and healthy.

[MamaKaren]

Wow. I wish I could take the kids off your hands for you, but I'm in MD, so not exactly in a convenient drop-off location.

When Princess was a baby, MIL wanted to bring a crib down from the attic and refinish it to use. Since the slats were too far apart, I nixed the idea, and got a huuuge lecture about how wrong I was to insist on something that met current safety regulations. After all, MIL had never known *anyone* who got caught in the crib slats, so I must have made up the statistics. But I was wrong about everything, starting with the amount of weight I gained while I was pregnant (MIL gained no more than 15 pounds for any of her pregnancies, btw).

[Cecilia]

I forgot to congratulate you on your business opportunity! I hope it works out for you!

[Cecilia]

Some major cities offer temporary child care - you may want to check out this site http://www.childcareos.com/childcareos/InterestWaitList21/ChildCareProviderdetails.aspx?FLG=100&CID=1ed820fb-4eae-4391-8396-c990ff3f3bad or http://www.temporarytottending.com/. Although taking the kids with you to SF may not be ideal, it may be worth the peace of mind and not being in debt to the IL for the huge favor they are doing for you (not your husband, but you - right?). Another option might be having a teenager or a friend's trusted sitter help your IL's with the kids every afternoon. At least then you could get a daily report on how they are doing and you could ask the sitter to round out the kids' meals with some healthier choices. Good luck!

[ArtGirl]

What would we women do without all the kind people who volunteer to explain things to us? Last time I went to the automatic car wash, the attendant reminded me to *roll up my windows* before driving into the jets of water and soap.

[Heather]

I'd be banging my head against the wall.

[TheFeministBreeder]

Posts like this make me appreciate my IL's a whole lot more. FIL is kind of a prick, but the worst thing MIL has ever done is slip DH money to pay some credit card bills I didn't know we had. I was livid about that (the two of them keeping household finances from me all for the sake of "not wanting to stress you out, Gina") but I suppose that was actually NOT an evil thing for her to do.

Still, she learned her lesson after I wouldn't let her come around for 3 months. But I suppose the "withholding-of-the-grandkids" technique will only work if the IL's actually see that as punishment.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I had a pair like yours. Sounds like a stressful mess.

[submommy]

I can relate. K. spent a weekend with the IL's a few months ago, and I don't think a single vegetable crossed her lips.

Then there's the 60+ year old crib at J.'s Grandma's house. No one is sleeping there. Forget it.

I'm on the West Coast. Fly in and drop them off with me. If you can handle toys all over the place and the fact that I haven't vaccuumed in over a week, then we're in.

I have tons of Princess stuff.....

:)

[GHD]

You and your in-law function at about the same level me and my parents do. Also like you, they're usually my only hope... It sucks!

[Suebob]

Is he an engineer? Every engineer I know LOVES to explain shit.

[Kayla]

O Jeez, in all honesty I would not go. Sorry! I would start looking into a babysitter that will take better care of those GOD awful human beings.

[Jill in Atlanta]

Please, please put a remote camera in that playpen, facing out. I want to see how the IL's survive! They'll be exhausted, for sure, but hopefully they'll appreciate what you do and not just turn around and blame you for making kids who make them so tired. A camera, please!

That whole time zone thing? Actually, it's a myth, like global warming and evolution.