All good things seem to come with a "but" for me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always seeing things as they should be or how I want them to be, and not how they actually are.
It's a momentary high followed by a sometimes harsh reality, like a beautiful sunset that leads into the dark, bleak night.
My mother is coming down to Atlanta so I don't have to fly up to Philadelphia on Tuesday for my trip. But she's hassling me about what flight to take. And whether she can leave the night I get back or if not then, at the butt crack of dawn the next morning. And she hopes nothing will happen to the kids and if it does she doesn't want me to get mad or blame her like I did when she let my dogs out on the coldest day of the Philadelphia winter without leashes and *surprise* they ran away.
"Just keep your eye on them. And don't let them off their leashes" I joked. Maybe the in-laws would be easier.
I've been feeling pretty great with this pregnancy going into my 16th week and I'm way off track for another 70lb weight gain. But I haven't really felt the baby move and maybe because I'm not craving sweets that means there's something wrong with the baby and I won't be able to find out because I don't have a babysitter to watch my kids so I can go to the midwife which I don't yet have anyway.
"I'm feeling great. You can't beat a pregnancy where you're craving salad and fruit." It's because I'm carrying a rabbit.
And I'm back in my house, my gorgeous beautiful, amazing house. But my husband is gone all week and I don't have a babysitter yet and I spent three hours putting up a baby gate last night that involved using a drill (eek) and I haven't found a midwife or a doula or a preschool for Quinlan.
"I'm so glad to be home," I tell people. Perhaps the tiny house in Little Rock wasn't so bad after all.
If I didn't know any better, this would just be how things were. But for some reason, I can't keep staring at the green grass on the other side. And as I think about the many many many challenges I've faced even just over the last few years, I wonder if it's just time for me voice my discontent, acknowledge the suckitude, and then cleanse myself acceptance.
Acceptance that my mom is my mom. And she probably won't be changing anytime soon. Acceptance that I will be spending many nights alone in this house. And that probably won't be changing anytime soon.
The truth is I'm lucky to have a mom that is alive and with me. Many would wish to be so fortunate. I'm lucky to have my health. Many have been fighting hard (and winning) for their own.
And I'm lucky to have all my beautiful children, sleeping peacefully within an arm's reach. Many have beautiful children "sleeping" way beyond their grasp.
These amazing women challenge me to search a little harder for the silver lining. They bravely stare into the dark sky and notice the gorgeous stars.
Maybe it's time I started looking a little harder.
What blogs challenge you to see the silver lining?
Beautiful, Kristen.
Posted by: Lady M | April 24, 2008 at 08:26 PM
I have a question that is only slightly related to your current post. HOW do you go about finding midwives and doulas in your area.
I am in the NJ Metro area and considering a water birth. I have no idea how to go about it. Clearly I am going to do research adn read up on it all to find out if this is even an option. However, I feel clueless when it comes to finding out who, what, and where? Any suggestions.
YOU ROCK and love your post.
Posted by: Kayla | April 23, 2008 at 11:38 AM
It's not a mommyblog but Violeteclipse.blogspot.com always makes me smile and reminds me to appreciate what we've got!
Posted by: Katie | April 23, 2008 at 01:45 AM
Jen at One Plus Two (droolstreet.blogspot.com). So amazing.
Posted by: mayberry | April 22, 2008 at 10:38 PM
What I love about all the blogs that you mentioned is that the authors are mothers and writers and wives first - and the stories they tell, the trials that they face, they do so right in stride with the rest of real life.
I love Kate's imagery. I love NG's sense of humor. I love Susan, well, because she's Susan.
We all have our struggles. I think sharing them by blogging helps the silver linings shine through.
Posted by: canape | April 22, 2008 at 07:39 PM
It's a great sentiment, K.
This post is a great reminder to focus on the silver linings that are everywhere.
And the 'well, just don't let them off their leashes'?
PRICELESS.
Good thing there's no snow in ATL right now.
There's a silver lining for ya.
Posted by: the new girl | April 22, 2008 at 09:50 AM
In February, I lost my identical twin boys at nineteen weeks. I had never felt so much joy and happiness in my life than I did when I was pregnant with them, I could not wait to add them to our family of four.
My own loss and devastation, along with other bloggers and their real life struggles and heartbreak, lets me see the very bright and shiny silver lining that exists right in front of us - it's just a matter of allowing ourselves to see it.
Even with my broken heart, the brightness in my life is so bright it's blinding, I always knew I had it good, but it took the death of my sons to realize just how good my life truly is.
Posted by: Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry | April 22, 2008 at 12:32 AM
@mom101 -- thanks for catching that.
They're pretty leashes, though. With crystals and the like.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | April 21, 2008 at 11:05 PM
I'm with caramama, any other story, blog or not blog, helps keep things in perspective.
But let's focus on what's important in this post - you've finally embraced leashes for your children.
Posted by: Mom101 | April 21, 2008 at 10:36 PM
I just love B at Relaxed Alert http://relaxedalert.blogspot.com/ . She has amazing strength but still is completely honest about all the hard stuff she goes through after losing her husband.
Posted by: Wisconsin Mommy | April 21, 2008 at 09:58 PM
It's still early for you to be feeling the baby--try not to panic...I totally get that it is hard not to!!!
Posted by: Multi-Tasking Mommy | April 21, 2008 at 09:24 PM
boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com
She just amazes me with her story, and her courage to tell it!
Posted by: Erin | April 21, 2008 at 07:29 PM
I think all the blogs I read give me a silver lining in one way or another (including this one!!!). But here are two that always make me feel better.
Jen at Amazing Trips, because... damn... triplets!!! Plus a baby who is less than a year: http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/
Karen at The Rocking Pony, who's youngest (of four) has downs syndrome, and who has such a great attitude about life: http://therockingpony.blogspot.com/
Posted by: caramama | April 21, 2008 at 03:31 PM
You might think this self-centered, but the blog that challenges me to see the silver lining is the one I set up for my daughter:
http://kelleysearsurgery.blogspot.com
She reminds me everyday what can be overcome. Despite being born deaf in one ear, minus an ear canal and outer ear, and having had two major scary surgeries before she was 5 years old, she wakes up every morning happy, singing, playful, and ready for the day. She's open, friendly, social, and doesn't give a stitch about what's "wrong" with her. She's the ray of sunshine in my life.
Posted by: submommy | April 21, 2008 at 03:08 PM
Alexa from
http://flotsamblog.com/
Posted by: Sara | April 21, 2008 at 02:53 PM
I have been thinking of this a lot lately as I lay mired in the first trimester yucks. I don't have a blog with a silver lining but maybe I need to find one or make one of my own. Maybe the Mummy Chronicles should just be a tad less um... about me.
Posted by: Vicky | April 21, 2008 at 02:09 PM
Bon, from Crib Chronicles.
http://cribchronicles.com
She has experienced the pre-term birth and subsequent death of her son, Finn, and a miscarriage. And she has a beautiful son named Oscar and she's currently pregnant again and on bedrest, and I just think her writing is so intensely gorgeous, she snaps me out of my pathetic funks and makes me look at things in a different light.
Posted by: Kelly | April 21, 2008 at 01:26 PM
Love Lindsay and Kristin -- Looking forward to checking out the others!
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | April 21, 2008 at 09:52 AM
www.suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com
This lady is a step *eek* mother to two teeange *eek* girls and has a four and a one year old. She deals with the stigma of being the younger second wife and a mom of two little ones. Her blog is so POSITIVE. She totally recognizes the challenges in her life, but she grateful for each one because her life is what she chose.
Posted by: b | April 21, 2008 at 09:41 AM
http://betternow.typepad.com
She really makes me appreciate my husband, sharing parenting, having a settled home life...just everything. I remember going through a lot of the feelings she describes and it makes me happy to have found the love of my life. Being a single mother was very difficult, I don't ever want to do it again. Ever. Also, she's pretty.
Posted by: mandy | April 21, 2008 at 09:33 AM
My silver lining blog is http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/
I'm the mom of a 10 month old and am 2 months into a surpise pregnancy. It reminds me that even though this pregnancy was a shock we are so lucky to have gotten pregnant not once, but twice with little or no thought and complete ease when so many people struggle with fertility.
Posted by: Jenni | April 21, 2008 at 09:18 AM