All good things seem to come with a "but" for me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always seeing things as they should be or how I want them to be, and not how they actually are.
It's a momentary high followed by a sometimes harsh reality, like a beautiful sunset that leads into the dark, bleak night.
My mother is coming down to Atlanta so I don't have to fly up to Philadelphia on Tuesday for my trip. But she's hassling me about what flight to take. And whether she can leave the night I get back or if not then, at the butt crack of dawn the next morning. And she hopes nothing will happen to the kids and if it does she doesn't want me to get mad or blame her like I did when she let my dogs out on the coldest day of the Philadelphia winter without leashes and *surprise* they ran away.
"Just keep your eye on them. And don't let them off their leashes" I joked. Maybe the in-laws would be easier.
I've been feeling pretty great with this pregnancy going into my 16th week and I'm way off track for another 70lb weight gain. But I haven't really felt the baby move and maybe because I'm not craving sweets that means there's something wrong with the baby and I won't be able to find out because I don't have a babysitter to watch my kids so I can go to the midwife which I don't yet have anyway.
"I'm feeling great. You can't beat a pregnancy where you're craving salad and fruit." It's because I'm carrying a rabbit.
And I'm back in my house, my gorgeous beautiful, amazing house. But my husband is gone all week and I don't have a babysitter yet and I spent three hours putting up a baby gate last night that involved using a drill (eek) and I haven't found a midwife or a doula or a preschool for Quinlan.
"I'm so glad to be home," I tell people. Perhaps the tiny house in Little Rock wasn't so bad after all.
If I didn't know any better, this would just be how things were. But for some reason, I can't keep staring at the green grass on the other side. And as I think about the many many many challenges I've faced even just over the last few years, I wonder if it's just time for me voice my discontent, acknowledge the suckitude, and then cleanse myself acceptance.
Acceptance that my mom is my mom. And she probably won't be changing anytime soon. Acceptance that I will be spending many nights alone in this house. And that probably won't be changing anytime soon.
The truth is I'm lucky to have a mom that is alive and with me. Many would wish to be so fortunate. I'm lucky to have my health. Many have been fighting hard (and winning) for their own.
And I'm lucky to have all my beautiful children, sleeping peacefully within an arm's reach. Many have beautiful children "sleeping" way beyond their grasp.
These amazing women challenge me to search a little harder for the silver lining. They bravely stare into the dark sky and notice the gorgeous stars.
Maybe it's time I started looking a little harder.
What blogs challenge you to see the silver lining?