I Saw Sparks

Along with my breasts getting a bit friendlier with my waistline, my thighs have become overly infatuated with each other. Actually, they're more like two horny teenagers who require a crowbar to separate them.

My thighs have been making out with each other for longer than I can remember. Like good friends turned lovers, they grew together over time, becoming closer during my pregnancies and enjoying some much deserved time apart in between, sometimes thanks to post-partum weight loss, and other times because of a fantastic invention called pants.

But now, in part because I'm pregnant (again) and because you'd have to pay me cold hard cash or my weight in swedish fish to get me to wear maternity shorts, my thighs are like old married couple who have traded in their gym membership for snuggling on the couch.

So when I was walking home from the pool, my thighs nearly glued together thanks to the lovely combo of pool water, sweat, and warm lumpy cellulite, I realized that I'm just going to have to surrender to the evil that are maternity shorts or figure out a way to channel my thigh friction for good.

So with all this "save the earth" shit, you know, "use alternative energies" or "power your car with soybean oil," I'm thinking the combined heat generated from all our thighs bumping uglies could seriously offset carbon emissions. Hell, just my thighs rubbing together on a short walk could probably be measured in kilowatts.

But then I read about women climaxing just from their thighs rubbing together (go ahead and google it if you don't believe me).

Fuck the earth. I need an orgasm. Bad.

Comments

[McgeeEarnestine26]

I had got a desire to begin my own organization, but I did not have enough amount of cash to do this. Thank God my friend suggested to utilize the home loans. So I used the student loan and realized my dream.

[anon]

spray deodorant, soft & dry (or is it dri?) tip given to me by my aunt who has large thighs all her life (and no kids!)

worked like a charm even with all the swelling from the toxemia

[anon]

spray deodorant, soft & dry (or is it dri?) tip given to me by my aunt who has large thighs all her life (and no kids!)

worked like a charm even with all the swelling from the toxemia

[Me]

Cheap pantyhose and cut off the legs. Works WONDERS

[Lulu]

Yeah, fuck it!

Whut?

[dana]

Next time I'll take your word for it. I googled. And my chin hit the floor. Never heard of such an accomplishment such as that.

[Motherofbun]

Some woman can get "off" with their thighs rubbing against each other? Damn. Some girls have all the luck!

[Formerly Fun]

Thin cotton bike shorts under sundresses(mumus)worked great for me, especially when it came to absorbing thigh perspiration(the maternity shorts not so much).

That or do what I did the last hot ass month when I was like 48 weeks pregnant, refuse to leave the house and just lie nekkid on the bed with the fan going and a spray bottle until the bebe comes.

[Mrs Mogul]

I just went to Target and bought a tankini in a bigger size. the maternity swimsuits look like the ones in the 20's!!

[StartsWithAnX]

Spanks needs a maternity line. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not, nor have I ever been, pregnant and my thighs make sweet, passionate love on a daily basis.

[Bethany Harrington]

aahahahahaaahaaa! oh jeezus. i always forget that there are people out there whose thighs DON'T rub together all the time. lord, i hate the heat.

xo
b

[Sabrina]

I had to buy chafing lotion from the grocery store during my 3rd! It was way more embarrassing than my first condom purchase. But it worked like a charm...and now that I think about it, the condoms didn't work as well.

[Mrs. Chicken]

I've completely given up on vanity. I wear the shorts, cellulite and all. :)

[Dodi]

I love it! And I'm with you on the boobs and the thighs...I can tell you this, though...if I could have an orgasm by rubbing my thighs together, I'd keep every last pound on this body.

[Swirl Girl]

If you have figured out a way to have an orgasm from fat, sweaty thighs chaffing together...then I've been missing out on this for years. Share your secret. We could make millions!

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

[discount costume jewelry]

This blog is hilarious! I'm actually pregnant at the moment with my first child and I'm so scared of seeing my body go to the pits - so this blog really resonates with me.

[Julianne]

I, for one, refuse to buy any product that is made specifically for thigh rub. I prefer denial and discomfort. They have always served me well.

[Cori]

Try Bodyglide it's a deodrant type stick (although not a doedrant) that runners use to prevent chaffing when running marathons. Really works, your thighs will slide not stick. You should be able to get it at your local Running Room. Good luck.

[Brighton]

Orgasm or energy? Hmmm... not a hard decision.

[Cecilia]

Capri pants. A life saver when you're pregnant during the summer in the South. Try Liz Lange at Target.

[Mom101]

I'm thinking Izzy should track down some sort of solar-powered phthalate-free eco-friendly vibrator for you.

Or we can invent one.

We'll call it the free-range Rabbit.

[Robin]

Ummmmmmm, so one can really have an orgasm like that? Uh, not that I was going to google it after I finish this comment or anything.. Um, please pass me the twinkies honey..

[Katie]

Yes yes! That Monistat cream the previous poster linked to is the stuff to get. Just slather up your thighs with it!

[Sugared Harpy]

Totally seconding the deodorant on the thighs. It works like a charm!

I fear the baby powder, I feel like sweat + powder has to equal some nasty paste of some sort. I do not want to create my own thigh bread.

Deodorant.

[ali]

or orgasm? from my thighs rubbing together? why the hell hasn't that happened to me?

[florence]

@Roz: Seriously, Vaseline? Why not just graduate straight to KY?

[Becky]

Lol, unfortunately I don't think my thighs didn't ever rub together! Sexy, huh? Even when I was super fit, running half marathons, and a size eight.

:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

[Lisa]

I got some OK denim ones from Target. It was definitely worth it.

[jennielynn]

Black Hockey Jesus just made me spew my tea. TOO FUNNY.

My thighs have been humping like bunnies for years and I've never had an orgasm from that. Maybe I'm just frigid.

[Elizabeth]

Ugggg. I was dealing with this this weekend. Let me know what you find out works best for you. So far, I've been sucking it up in jeans and a tank top. It's going to be a long summer!

I've been using goldbond ultimate comfort powder (works well, without that Old Man smell).

It's too hot for spanks and spandex, boyshorts undies are not quite long enough, do they make camisoles for butts?

[the new girl]

BAAHAHAHAHA.

OMG. Get a little baby powder up in there, sister.

Then those suckahs'll just GLIIIIDE past one another.

[Undomestic Diva]

I have the same problem, but no pregnancy. I think Edison owes me money.

[Angel]

I feel smart, I have solutions for both thigh rubbing and maternity shorts!
http://www.amazon.com/Monistat-Soothing-Chafing-Relief-Powder-Gel/dp/B0012ZNSWE and http://www.ingridandisabel.com/

Enjoy!

[Bitchy Mom]

One word: SPANX

Total life saver!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Do they still sell bike shorts?

I'm so old.

[mothergoosemouse]

I'm looking at my thighs in a whole different light now, thanks to you.

[tracey]

Ok, your comments are almost as funny as the post! Buy the shorts! It's the one time in your life that it's totally expected for your thighs to be rubbing. Relish in their closeness!!

:)

[Kate]

Ok, I've never commented before, but I couldn't let you go through the summer not knowing this trick... Deodorant on the thigh area works like a dream. I'm telling you, it seems gross, but once you do it, you'll wonder how you never though of it before!!

[Roz]

Bike shorts, or longer underpants (aka control pants) will do the trick. Failing that, and I swear on this, Vaseline on the affected parts before you leave the house. Works a treat!

[Roz]

Bike shorts, or longer underpants (aka control pants) will do the trick. Failing that, and I swear on this, Vaseline on the affected parts before you leave the house. Works a treat!

[Vicki]

I hate to be a deal breaker but I had twins and I'm back to my thighs not touching inappropriately anymore. (And the boys are only 14 months old.) I know, hate me all you want. I have to say though, the best remedy for the post-baby thigh fat is to get down in the floor and use those legs to play with them. That's what helped me. I didn't need an exercise program, I just got in the floor and spent some major time playing. (As soon as my incision healed anyways...)

Good luck. I would avoid spandex though because you'll just set fire to everything you pass...lol.

[Black Hockey Jesus]

You can go green AND have major orgasms. Sincerely, Tipper Gore.

[Amy]

You skinny girls have it hard when you get pregnant... You don't know all the tricks.

Wear a skirt with a pair of bike shorts underneath. The bike shorts keep your thighs from rubbing together, the skirt looks way cuter than the godawful maternity shorts. And if you get too hot, you can always peel off the bike shorts and let your thighs be together again.

HTH!
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Veronica]

I'm with you on the orgasm thing! I'm pregnant and on a sex ban. So not fair.

Oh and cornflour is good for chafing thighs (mix it with a little water to make a runny paste).

[sandi]

well my baby is turning 17 in July..so yeah I am for sure not able to blame it on that anymore.

I do feel your pain though.:)

[Melissa]

Too funny!!Gas and time that is all my thighs feel pass. I know your pain, sister.

[Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk]

That is so funny. I feel like that now and my 'baby' is 2 - there comes a time when you just can't blame it on your pregnancy/baby any more. I think I may have passed that time.