Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters. But Don't Forget About Your Wives.

While it's definitely true that your heart makes room for every child you add to your household, it seems like the space that was reserved for your spouse begins to shrink. 

I'm not sure it's that he loves me or I love him any less, but the heart swells that we saved solely for each other are now directed towards the growing brood of little people that is overtaking our home. And the affection and attention that was spread on thick is now strikingly thin, sometimes forced, but mostly just an afterthought.

I've long believed, mostly due to my own experience, that a father's overt love and genuine interest in his kids, particularly his daughters, is an essential component to a child's ego development. But after these last five years as a parent, I'm inclined to think that a strong and loving relationship with your spouse is just as important, if not more. Because if you love your wife just as much if not more than you did before the day your first child came into this world, then instead of just moving things around in your heart to make room for your new child, you allowed your heart to grow.

And you're able to tune into your spouse and your children, and divide your time and energy without taking from one mouth to "feed" the other.

Parenting puts a strain on any relationship, and it's certainly taken a toll on my marriage. I'm the first to admit that it's often much easier to love your child than it is to love your spouse, regardless if he's making stupid "Free Willy" comments or he's buying you flowers every other week. But it's easy to just focus our attention on the little needy one and forget that sometimes we're just as needy. And that in getting our needs met as adults, partners, and spouses, we're not only better equipped to help our kids, but we're showing those kiddos that they're not the center of the universe.

And that our love as partners is just as important as our love for them.

When I see my husband snuggle and cuddle with our daughter, I'm not jealous. When he obsesses about which bed to get her, or which Pottery Barn Kids quilt would work in her room (I'm not kidding people), I'm not annoyed.

But I do feel a pang in my heart.

I admit that when he came home from work or back from a trip, I wish he'd be just as excited to see me as he is to see the kids. Granted, I'm not jumping up and down, screaming his name at the top of my lungs. And the way things have been between us, along with the stress of parenting alone for many days out of the month, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

But inside these strong exteriors, sometimes we're just as needy if not more so than the kids we care for everyday.

Truthfully, the instant my daughter arrived, she took up most of my heart. I moved her over to make room for my son. And I'm only now starting to allow my heart to grow, not just because I'm adding another little one into the mix, but because after pulling myself from the wreckage that has been a very trying past four years, I realize that my husband really does deserve some space of his very own.

Right now, it might just be the guest cottage behind my house. But as I'm learning what it takes to make it in this parenting gig, I'm hoping to fill the guest house with all the old crap that's been holding us back, and move him right back into the master bedroom where he belongs.

I just hope he lets me into his. 

Comments

[Melissa Parlaman (Graco contributor)]

very well said...my husband & I are will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary this thursday so we are taking the time to spend it together (sans 2 year old)..we are doing the things that we enjoy: stress free restaurant dining, taking in a movie, sleeping in, and a beer festival (something we are both looking forward to). I will be sure to go home & hug my hubby tonight!!

[Robin @ Party of Five]

Wow. I'm going through something like this with my husband as well. You hit the nail on the head. I just want him to make a little room for me in his heart. Leave room for the kids but remember that space for me as well.

[GOOD FATHER]

Hello, I'm a father who has a 7yr old daughter, who is the world to me. My wife and I have been divorce for several years now and it has been a roller coaster. I went to court and put myself on child support, just to make sure my daughter had money. I love spending time with my daughter. I wish I could spend everyday with her, but her mother is very bitter, and now our daughter is suffering for it. I go far and beyond to help my daughter in any way I can! My question is: can she make her mother guarding without my consent? Becuase she has full custody and I only have visitation rights!

[kittenpie]

It's tough to live without even the little things, isn't it? Just being told we are appreciated or that we look good once in a while would go a long way, but the limits on time and energy and attention take away so much of that kind of glue.

[Sheryl]

Let me offer you some encouragement. We have 3 kids, 10, 8, and 6, and my husband and I have been together for 20 years.

You have very young children, and one on the way. When your kids are little, your relationship with your spouse IS strained. At least that's been our experience. There is little time or energy for romance, or even an uninterrupted conversation. Sometimes, even though you're committed to your marriage, you're too tired to even like each other very much. If you tend to be introverted, like we are, after the kids go to bed, you want time to yourself before you have to get up and do it all again the next day.

But it does get better, and easier as they get older. You do start finding pockets of time to carve out for each other. You do start to focus more energy on your partner. You do start thinking, "Hmm, what can I do today to make my spouse's day a great one?"

I think (although I'm not sure about this) the trick may be just to keep in mind what you want your marriage to be like, keep that vision handy, even though you may not be able to do much to make it happen right now. This may be a period when all you can do is throw your marriage a bone or two. But hang in there, better times are coming!

[maman]

I don't mean to be a bummer, but my experience is that I as a partner have ceased to exist in my marriage and "I" as the ghost of his mother has taken charge.

I am an alcoholic. I have no education. I lay on the couch waiting for my flask to be filled by my ten year old son... therefore I don't matter.

Not that any of these things are true. But it doesn't really matter.

And my 13 year old knows how to work it to its fullest. Is this her fault?

I am to the point that I have lost my perspective.

Good luck and may the ride be easier.

[The Young Mother]

I am only 22, and being married only for 2 years, I have so much to learn from all of these wives and mothers that are willing to teach. Having only one child, I know one day I hope to have a bigger family. After reading this beautiful blog, I will always remember to let my heart grow, instead of just making more room. You couldn't have inspired me more. Thank you.

[Maris]

Kristen, I read your blog all the time, though I'm not married or a mom. My own parents neglected one another in order to focus on their kids and their relationship suffered. I think it's great that you're realizing how important it is to work at your marriage now and it's going to be something your kids will one day truly understand and appreciate.

[Sara]

This is so well described, and definitely something I needed to hear and think about. It's so easy for me to feel like I just have nothing left after the kids and the move and all the house stuff...but I need to find it somewhere. I guess that addition needs to be built one brick at a time. Thanks, Kristen.

[Welcome to Twinseltown]

You knocked this one outta the park, sweets. Make room. Freecycle all the other stuff if you have to. :)

[LiteralDan]

This is definitely a worthwhile effort, and it will pay big dividends when the kids are all grown up and gone.

You just gotta wonder how big the hearts are of those people with 18 kids. There's gotta be some kind of upper limit, after which the additional kids are like casual acquaintances, or roommates at best.

[Wendy]

One day the kids will all be grown and it'll be the two of you left alone together again. If that doesn't paint a pretty picture in your head, you may want to work on it. One way may actually BE jumping up and down and screaming his name when he gets home! Thomas always kisses me before the kids when he gets here. I make sure of it. Good luck!

[Casey]

It's hard to make room for the kids and the marriage. Fortunately, we've been able to work it out, we both focus on the kids all day and then on together time after the kids are in bed.
I'm glad you're able to see the situation for what it is and not be jealous towards the kids. I was a daddy's girl and to this day, my mom is jealous of my relationship with my dad. She still makes comments all the time (and I'm 31, WTF), it's so frustrating.

[J from Ireland]

Wow you have an amazing way with words,I can totally relate to this, this post made me think and also have a little cry.

[HeatherY]

Such a great post. So honest. It's also a good reminder to take care of the hubby too.

[Red Cup Mom]

Very nice post. Can you write one for my 11 year anniversary on Sept. 19 along the same vein? I have been thinking about these sentiments too lately.

[Traceytreasure]

It's really hard working to keep a marriage strong with little ones in the mix.

Hang in there. Don't give up. Trust me, it gets better and easier.

Don't forget to love yourself with your whole heart too!

Hugs!

[Mom101]

I'll say it - I was jealous at a time when I felt like there wasn't enough love for both me and our kid.

Fortunately a husband's (or wife's) heart is capable of expanding. And sometimes you find your way back in there. Even if it takes a while.

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

You absolutely nailed this one on the head. Perfect mix of understanding and yearning.

[susieshomemade]

It's so easy to put him on the back burner. But, don't let him overbowl. I know...really bad metaphor.

[Cecilia]

Well said. Sometimes it's so hard to find the energy to make the move - but well worth the effort. Thank you for the timely reminder to make more space for my husband.

[Jane]

I will be sharing this post with my husband. So, giving a bit of my own space for him to see and, hopefully, use wisely.

[PDX Mama]

Yes, yes, yes. Very well put. I never thought marriage was hard until we had kids. That sounds awful, but it's so easy to let time and each other slip by with the day-to-day minutiae. You actually have to *make* time for each other. Not always easy to do. Especially when he's irritating you. :-)

[Stimey]

This is perfect. I can identify with nearly everything you write. Something to think about.

[Nicole J.]

So very timely for me...were you in my house the other night around 10?! I think I have been focusing more on myself than even the kid or my partner, and now I see that. So it's time to make a couple changes. It's easy to go from one extreme or the other when you're dealing with your partner, but finding and keeping the balance as partners and co-parents is the key to a happy family and life.

[caramama]

This was a great post. I'm so glad to hear you working on ways to move him back into the Master Bedroom.

This marriage/relationship thing is really hard work. It's constant work too. It's prioritizing and remembering and communicating. All of which are hard to do with even one child added to the mix.

Good luck to you and all of us!

[Jamie E]

Yesterday I stood between the door and the kids as my husband turned the key and entered the house after a long day at work. I made sure that I got the first hug and kiss- now granted I wasn't jumping up and down screaming his name, but my milk has come in and I don't need to be reminding him of what he's missing right now. At least not until after the snip snip!

[mandy]

A really sensitive post. It's hard to be on top of everything sometimes. But really, the important stuff, we should. Need to.

[Asianmommy]

It's true--sometimes I think I should just jump up and down, screaming his name, to get his attention they way they do. But these days, I try to at least greet him at the door with a kiss. :)

[Brenda]

I've been married going on 20 years, our kids are 15, 14 and 8. We've had ups and downs. I can say that without humor we would have killed each other. LAUGHTER. Okay, and sex. We don't play games or hold back-- we just say things as they are. we don't trick each other or pretend. Things are always out on the table. Leaving was never an option for either of us. We've been through bad relationships before--very bad ones. Kids made marriage DIFFERENT, but we just changed along with it. Now at 48 years old I can say that our life together is better than ever. So, remember to laugh together, and don't hold back feelings:)

[Amanda]

This is us too as we hit what I call the "2 year mark." Seem the first 2 years of each baby's life were rough on our marriage, and especially the first year of #2. Glad we're not doing this again and can work on us more now. We take the time where we can, but there's still rough patches. Sitters are expensive, kids aren't always cooperative with bedtimes, depolyments, TDY, etc. I think one of the toughest times for a marriage are those first 2 years of a new baby, even without all our extra added Army crap.

[Catherine]

So true in my life, Thank you for putting it into words.

[Sadiqua]

i understand completely...i think i started loving him a little less when the second child was born. i just hope he never noticed.

[Jill in Atlanta]

timely

[Octamom]

Beautiful post. We have 8 children and it has been critical to our marriage to have our hearts grow, not to just rearrange the furniture.

Blessings!

[mothergoosemouse]

Even when we've still got plenty of space for each other, we need to remember to make the time for each other. Those little gestures that say "I was thinking about you" can be huge.

[Wyliekat]

Gawd, it is hard. And really? My experience wasn't so great. My ex left at the tail end of my daughter's second year of life. He told me at the time that his reason for departure was that he loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me, and felt that we were running the family business - no more, no less.

That I'd given him full acess to your analogy's "master bedroom" didn't help. He simply checked out. As a sidenote to that story, I certainly hope he's in a better place to deal with the reality of children and their impact on marriage if/when he decides to give it a second go-round.

I believe, very firmly, that children need to see a model for positive relationships. As I had no frame of reference for one (both of my parents being divorced twice), I think I accepted less than I was due, and put up with worse treatment than I should have, because I really din't know better. I don't regret being willing to give everythign I had to make him happy, but I do regret giving it all to someone who didn't appreciate it, and couldn't stick around for the tough times.

[Jasi]

Really awesome (and timely for us) post.

We're trying really hard to remember that even though we've got a family, we've got a marriage too.

Also, while he's able to remember himself, have his space, his interests and free time... I need to have the same for myself. I don't think our society allows for this thinking too much. What do you think?

[Krystal]

This is something that I have gone through many times. Sometimes its easy to move things from the guest house to the Master Bedroom, other times it is harder. It seems that while I am pregnant with Little Dancer now, we have actually grown closer that before. We love our children more than words can say but we have made it a point to do certain things so that we do not forget eachother. The kids's bedtime got bumped up (good for all of us) so we can have some more alone time and just talk. We even talk alot during the day since he is at home and I am at work where it is slow and quiet.

It's the little things that will amount to larger successes. I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

Heck, if we've made it through all of the crap that we have gone through and 5 special needs kids (# 6 is on the way) you can make it.

[abbyjess]

This is a beautifully honest post. And it was something I really needed right now after a bitter kitchen cleaning confrontation. I do need to know my hubby loves me as much as our son and, you're right, that he needs to feel that love coming his way as well. If we don't model a healthy relationship, how will our son ever find his own?

[Heather]

I have to say that attitudes and outlooks play a large role in happiness for me. If my hubs is coming home grumpy and yelling at the kids 2 minutes after he's walked in the door it's hard to want to get all cuddly with the man.

[Audrey]

This post reminds me that I need to have as much patience with my husband as I do our daughter. That the little annoyances she has don't bother me (much) and neither should his. That he doesn't always know that I've had a rough day with the wee one and that he doesn't (always) deserve my wrath when he comes home.

Thank you.

[Jim]

It is hard. I always have to sit back and remember that my wife is just that as well as a mother. Speaking of that, I should plan a date...

[SuZ]

Great post... it's perfect, literally.

[LopsidedMom]

I love this post. My husband has been gone for a little over a year and will be coming home in about 3 weeks...we will be doing it differently this time around and trying not to lose each other in the parenting gig.
I love the Free Willy post as well - my husband and I were swimming about a week before I gave birth to baby #1. I was wearing a black maternity suit with white piping and he said "oh, you look like an orca!!" I pushed the beloved f**ker into the pool.

[Pencils]

Wow. Thanks for the reminder. I'm having my first (and very likely only) baby in the next week, and I'm going to remember to keep my love for my husband at the forefront. I don't know if I would have let my daughter take over my entire heart, my husband and I have a rather special relationship, but it's not worth risking. We met and fell in love older than most people (38), he after a bad thirteen year marriage, me after years and years of being alone. Although I'm a romantic and always thought that "the" guy was out there, somewhere, I think I had really given up. I still can't believe my luck in finding such an amazing guy--he's a long-haired computer geek weightlifter on the outside, but the best of men on the inside. So, we'll see. I will daily remember that my husband is the best of men, and remember my luck in meeting and marrying him. After all, I wouldn't be having this child without him.

[April]

This post inspired me to make a little something for you: http://aprilslittlefamily.blogspot.com/2008/09/and-award-goes-to.html

Feel free to pass it on to another deserving mommy rant if you so wish.

Happy blogging.

[Domestic Extraordinarie]

After the girls were born I shoved my hubby out of my heart as well. I just focused on the kids and thought that the marriage would still be good when we got back to it. Things got hard and long story short our marriage almost ended. What we found helps us is that no matter what we take time out for each other everyday. Even if it is just chatting in the bedroom when he is taking off his workboots.

[Marcea]

great post. I understand what you mean totally but never was able to put in words like you did.

[Undomestic Diva]

How does that saying go? The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother?

Something like that.

I love this post.

[amy]

Wow this brought tears to my eyes. It's one of the things I keep reminding myself, especially when I get annoyed with my husband. I love him dearly, and sometimes I forget to let him know that. I'm going to be reading the book The Five Love Languages, and I am very excited about doing this for Us as a couple.

[jen]

amen.

[the new girl]

Oh, this is such a good post.

I think things change as kids get older. I see so many of my friends with older kids and the stresses are there, but they are different stresses.

I've long said that all (and I mean ALL) my nice is used up by the baby, but as she gets a little (LITTLE) easier and I get a little more sleep, there's a tiny surplus of nice.

But then, if we go and do this shit all over again? You know. All bets are probably off for another two years.

*sigh*

[jp]

Married 30 yrs, 2 grown daughters, 3 grandchildren. Always had room for my Husband, wanted room for him, needed room WITH him. Kids take up alot of time, effort and love, but you need to want to spend the time with your Spouse.

One amazing thing I have noticed.........My Husband w/ his Grandchildren! Unbelievable! He worships them in a way I never saw with either of our daughters!!

[Tatiana]

This brought tears to my eyes, because it's my one serious fear about being a parent. I am so afraid that I won't love my husband as much as my baby, or the other way around. I am so afraid that he already feels left out, and I'm desperate for the day when the baby has grown enough that he can feel baby's movements too. Right now it's kind of hard when he rests his hand over my womb and just... waits... answering with a disappointed, "No" when I ask "Did you feel that?"

Really great post, thank you for sharing.

[iMommy]

Thank you for putting that all out here. It's hard, learning to re-work your marriage with each child. A lot of couples don't get to where you seem to be. I know my parents didn't. I hope to avoid the same fate - and best wishes to you and yours, too.

[Jill]

I know exactly what you mean! And that letter you linked to... I could cut and paste it and send it to my Hubbz almost word for word. It just feels like I do much and I can only do it so well for so long. My capacity is limited and Hubbz definitely gets the short end of the stick, but I don't really see him stepping up all that often, so I think subconsciously I'm "punishing" him or giving him a little of what I feel like I get most days if I pull back. "Here, you see how it feels to put your entire being into something and not be appreciated for it." It's tough, this whole marriage thing. Tougher with kids. I just wish there was some magic solution to make it easier because sometimes it feels too hard.

Thanks for sharing this. Posts like this, that make me realize I'm not the only one who feels this way, are why I love blogging.

[Barbara]

Perfect.

[Karen Sugarpants]

Date. Weekly. Honestly, it's the best thing we did after Thomas was born.

[Ren]

Thanks for the great post!

[The Stiletto Mom]

Wow. I'm going to step away from the computer and go hug my husband. Great post, well said and thought provoking. Good luck with the move back to once what was. You can do it!

[Christina]

Oh, I hear ya. And I'll leave it at that.

[I'm Not Skippy]

A former coworker of mine who was married over 40 years said it best. "Loving your child unconditionally is easy. . . you have no choice, it is ingrained into your relationship by it's very nature. You will always love your child. Loving your spouse unconditionally is hard. . . you chose to love them, they weren't born into it. If you don't work at it you will lose them."

[Sandi]

Great post. and very true.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

"... then instead of just moving things around in your heart to make room for your new child, you allowed your heart to grow."

You hit the nail right on the ol' noggin with that line. *sigh*

[April]

So insightful. And true.

[Multi-Tasking Mommy]

As my heart is about to grow bigger in 15 days, I totally get what you are talking about here.

I do believe that my heart simply grew bigger when I had my daughter.

It is hard because the saying, "I love you with all of my heart" doesn't seem applicable anymore, even though I love my husband even more than the day I fell in love with him.

[SciFi Dad]

So true. So very true.

Thank you for reminding us.

[Michelle]

So true.

And when we love our spouse visibly and give them time, it teaches our kids to respect that relationship too. It shows them how to be a loving husband/wife and is another lesson in becoming the adults we are training them to be.

But it is true that our husbands/wives do come second after children, because we make less noise?...

[Backpacking Dad]

This was uncensored in a way that I don't know that I could ever be.

But yeah. Sometimes I'm pre-Cindy-Lou-Who Grinch.