Mr. Clean

I've decided that my husband's intimate relationship with our vacuum cleaner cancels out most of his goofy "foot-in-mouth-disease" comments. I mean, it's pretty hard to hate a man who makes it a point to clean the kitchen floor on his hands and knees at least once a week, no sexual favors required.

For all that I lack in the knowledge and understanding of cleaning products, my husband ensures that we spend what should be a tax deductible amount of money on everything from magic erasers to swiffers to inhumanly large quantities of Pledge All-Purpose spray.

Granted, his penchant for cleaning can get a little annoying, like when he asks me to walk up the stairs like I just had anal sex with a prize zucchini so to even out the wear on the carpet. Or when he's scrubbing the bathtub with the children IN it. Um, call me crazy but I'm thinking tile cleaner is not the greatest thing for the kids' skin.

But in those cases, I just offer him a bit of friendly redirection, generally in the form of a discreetly placed middle finger or a "mmm, I love when the kids smell like toxic chemicals" and that usually sends the message home.

However, just yesterday I was laying on the couch, and I heard a weird scratchy noise on the carpet behind me. I peeked over the back to see him on his hands and knees, scraping the carpet with the backside of my son's plastic toy hammer in an obvious effort to fluff it up. And you could just tell from the enthusiastic rhythm of the scraping that he was quite pleased with himself and the newly rejuvenated one square foot of carpet.

So I did what any self-loving wife with a crazy hammer scraping carpet cleaning freak would do.

I offered him a blow job to get him to stop.   

Comments

[Carpet Cleaning Crownsville]

If something is spilled on the carpet, it's best to clean it right away to avoid stains and bacteria to pile up on its surface. Since the carpet can hide all sorts of dirt, you shouldn't make it habit to clean it until it gets really dirty because, by then, the damage is already done.

[Dana]

ha ha ha...didn't expect that last part AT ALL. can't stop laughing.

[Midlife Mama]

**snort** Sitter's guilt. That's hilarious! LOVE that. And yes, that happens at our house, too. LOL

[sipalittletea]

Seriously, although the joking OCD comments are understandable, the first thing I did when I read this post was turn to my husband and say, "her husband has OCD tendencies." As my husband ALSO has OCD, you may actually want to get him checked out. (This could also explain the stupid questions he compulsively asks as described in today's post.)

I literally have to scream into the house every time I open the flour in the kitchen "DO NOT COME INTO THE KITCHEN" as the sight of flour makes the man nearly pee his pants in anxiety. It manifests in different ways for different people . Of course, I could be wrong. But I believe fluffing the carpet falls into the category of abnormal.

[katelin]

i don't think i've ever heard a wife stop a husband from cleaning. granted he does seem pretty extreme about it, haha.

[Kimberly]

Ohnoyoudidnit!

You're making the rest of us look bad. ;-)

[Kristi]

Tell your hubby to forget the plastic hammer, there is a better way.

Home Depot and Lowes both sell carpet rakes. Shit you not.

I have one because we have dogs that like to tear up 'fuzzy' toys and leave the fluff all over the carpet. I just rake it all into one pile and viola! Done.

My kids are grown and gone, but I'd imagine it would be perfect for toys on the floor, too. Just rake them into a pile and go from there.

Especially good for the demon Legos.

And, since he'll be all excited about raking the carpet, next thing ya know, he's out raking the yard. We can hope.

You're welcome.

[Carrie]

I think my husband would faint if I offered that up to get him to stop cleaning.

[Amy P in FL]

Vaccuming used to be my husband's job, when I worked outside of the home. I even bought him the afforementioned purple Dyson, as he is an engineer & I thought the right gear might help. Well, now I am the sahm & I get to use the thing for.... (those of you in the south will understand!) vaccuming palmetto bugs!!

& by palmetto bugs, I mean GIANT FLYING COCKROACHES!

You use the wand & there is a whole technique. Seerusly, I may have to write a post on this. I feel the the fricken croc hunter.

[Liz/Mom101]

How about offer him a blow job and then a plane ticket to NY to come and clean up my place. I could use more OCD in a husband these days.

[BOSSY]

The price of OCD.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Good Luck Bill. Generally speaking, you'll need to have a had a long history of near OCD cleaning to get the hammer thing to work for you.

Best start now and maybe you'll get a BJ in 2014...

[LiteralDan]

Man, I am doing something wrong. I have to strike the fine balance between cleaning so much as to be annoying, and cleaning so little as to make my wife desperate.

I'm stuck in the middle way too much.

But I tell you, men invented the vacuum cleaner so that there would be an easy way to clean something with noticeable results that involved a motor big enough to use a belt.

[Renée aka Mekhismom]

Oh my! I am cracking up over here. I didn't see that last sentence coming. Can I borrow your husband? I will leave the sexual favors to you but I have some housework that REALLY needs to get done. He sounds like he would love to do it. I on the other hand hate housework. Kindly send him over. Please. Pretty please?

[Red Cup Mom]

This is hands down the funniest post. I love Bill's comment too from Daddy is Tired. Plastic hammer? It fluffs carpet? Does your huz even know you have a blog and that you write?

[Linda]

My ex-husband died with a butt load of "iou a blowjob" notes in his wallet. It was the only thing that ever worked....(we'd been divorced for 15 years--he still had the iou's)

[Kate]

Please tell me he didn't say, "No, thanks, I'm busy."

[susieshomemade]

My husband doesn't even know where I keep the cleaning products!!

[Bill]

My wife is on the couch watching TV right now. I'm headed over there right now with a plastic hammer to fluff the carpet behind the couch.

I sure hope the results are the same as at your house!

[Bethany]

Mine doesn't clean and I still end up having to take a "protein shake" every now and then.

[DC Urban Dad]

Wow, I had no idea there were more of us out there. I should start a club. My Dyson is my friend. If I could only find a way to get another one. Then I could double fist.

[Maternal Mirth]

I wish that would work with my better half ... he's rather fluff the carpet ... ok, not *that* carpet.

BTW ... to fluff up carpet that is smashed down from a large piece of furniture being in on spot forever: just pour water on it. I got that from Martha ...

[Julianne]

I second Amanda's comment.

[Amanda]

I'm so glad we have hardwood floors.

[Jim]

I need to forward this to my wife. What an awesome solution. Tell your husband a fork works much better btw.

[HeatherY]

OMG, what a visual.

[Manic Mommy]

Put out last night because he dug a ditch in front of the shed. I'm not the one who put it on the slope so you couldn't open the doors. But still, I blew.

[the new girl]

Oh, no he DIN'T scrub the tub with the tikes in there.

LMFAO.

Obsessed much?

Still laughing.

[Heather @ Cool Zebras]

My husband is a cleaner too. You'd maybe think it was a good thing, but sometimes it gets to be a bit much. We have the cleanest windows in all of MN, inside AND out.

[ben]

What is this "blow job" you speak of? Is that when I get the Dyson attachments hooked up funny and suddenly find myself holding an indoor leaf blower?

[kimblahg]

Also, we have the gaming reward system around here for the oldest and the husband. Help out & you can go play and I may even pretend to care when you tell me about leveling up or your new virtual armor.

[kimblahg]

lucky, lucky woman. my husband's idea of cleaning is SOMETIMES wiping off the back of the toilet after a misdirected spray.

[Undomestic Diva]

I'm almost certain this is why God created blow jobs. For situations just like these.

[Vicki]

If my hubby scrubbed anything except his ass I would be amazed. He doesn't do cleaning unless it benefits him directly. He'll wash is car because he drives it, he'll wash his laundry so he can have clean clothes (leaving mine in the hamper), and he'll was dishes if it means his big cereal bowl will get clean (and by wash dishes I mean stick the little cube of dishwasher stuff in the already loaded by me dishwasher and start it and never unload it). And offering anything sexual does me no good because he figures he'll get it anyways eventually. I just can't hold out long enough for that to work for me. Damn.

[Asianmommy]

You're hilarious!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

LMAO @Jill. Nice one.

[Jasi]

Try an ice cube and a fork. Once it's wet you can fluff it with the fork and then blow dry if you like.

As for the tub, just get rid of toxic cleaning chemicals and mix a quick batch of baking soda/water paste. You can store it in a travel shampoo bottle from any dollar discount. That way, it's scrubbed nicely without toxicity.

And hahahha @ Jupiter. I give hubby WoW Reward System!! He gets game time for helping out. He's obsessed with that game but since we have very little free time he hasn't been able to play. So when he helps me clean up or lets me take some time out, I give him a few hours kid-free time.

[Jill]

Well, he can come over and fluff my carpet any time wants... Oh wait... that sounded bad, didn't it?

[Angie in Texas]

does this mean we can start referring to him as a "fluffer"?

i'd give (almost) anything to have someone do my floors - and i do mean "floors", like in the kitchen.

[Krystal]

It seems we our husbands have cloned personalities! I swear! My husband is as neat and as much of a clean freak as possible. Thank God I am not the only one suffering in this.

[Courtney]

OMG girl can i please say you are hillarious. I came across your blog from another friends blog and have been addicted ever since.

I would also trade hubbys gladly for a few days lol. WE have the opposite Rewards system also. I blow if you wash type reward lol. Thanks for sharing your life. It truly is great!!!

[Lizzi]

I think I'd gladly trade too. Fairly certain my husband doesn't even know where the vacuum is. Actually, I probably don't either ...

[Jupiter]

Oh,jeezus.... can we trade men? For just a week.Please? Mine will stay out of your way and not do anything in the least. I mean it...he really won't.
We have the Blow Job Reward System, which is pretty much opposite of what you've got going on. I use the blow jobs as a reward for getting him to actually accomplish something besides gaining levels on World of Warcraft.