I Am Mother.

No one has ever adequately described the first few weeks of motherhood. Maternity clothes are a little too big, but regular clothes are like sausage casings. You want desperately to leave the house, but are not exactly sure how to do it or where you would go.

And you try to get back into the swing of things, and yet, you have absolutely no idea where to start.

I'm not exactly clear on when we're supposed to be able to get it "together." As of late, I've lacked any sense of motivation to get out of milk stained bras and t-shirts, and back into "life" - whatever that is these days. I'm still floating in that weird space where I'm pretty close to being immediately post-partum, but far enough from it that I should be inching back in the saddle again, not necessarily because I have someone or something telling me to get with it, but because there are deadlines looming over me. Exciting deadlines. But deadlines just the same.

The laundry piles are overwhelming, thanks to the mysterious dinner-time baby puke fest that's been visiting us these past few evenings along with my unintentional boycott of nursing bra pads. The kids want nothing to do with anyone else but me, with bed time turning into fights for space on my lap, making me want to scoop them up and cry or run away and hide, depending on how I'm feeling that day.

And in the chaos, I long for complete solitude and silence. And in the quiet, still of the night, I long for the frenetic energy of the new day.

These early weeks and months transition us from baby vessel to feeding machine, with little time or space for the woman and person we were or will be. It is survival, not living, in these days. I grab what is clean and what fits to clothe myself, regardless of whether it matches. I eat what I can find, sometimes whatever my kids leave on their plates.

And I sleep with one ear to the ground or the hall, listening for children and babies who might call for me in the middle of the night, never truly rested upon waking.

I can picture the day when my sole existence does not revolve around hungry mouths, stinky diapers, and needy babies - when all the pieces of "me" are again connected in a way that makes me real and alive, and less like a walking apparition.

But for now. For however many days and weeks it takes, I am mother.

Comments

[Mulberry Alexa]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

[Jessica New]

My babe is now 14 months, but has the stomach flu & I just realized I have been thrust back into the "newborn" phase all over again. Can't leave the house, baby barf everywhere, no sleep, constant crying, clingyness, etc. All I can say is: MOTHERS RULE! We all feel your pain... And it hurts! LOL!

[Larissa]

good post Kristen. You will make it through! It's SO hard!

[Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck]

My youngest (of 3) is 17 weeks and it was probably only about 2 weeks ago that I felt that fog lift and really began to think I was getting my crap back together. Not that everyday is good now, but at least everyday is not a day where I am hanging onto my sanity by a thread. I'll take what I can get.

[Wifey]

I remember that feeling ... looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. Thank God it goes away ... and "me" comes back, even better than before I left. Hang in there...

[gretta]

I was told that when you become a mother, your heart forever runs around outside your body. And I still feel a bit of discontent every single time she leaves my sight, no full peace of mind until she's back.

[Courtney]

Man, my baby is eleven weeks today and I still feel like that. I still put on whatever is clean (or mostly clean if I'm honest) and hell, half the time I don't even bother with a shirt because I'm just going to be nursing again...

[Jess]

I'm a new mom to a six week old, and I can relate. I have no idea, really, how to "get it together", or where I would go if I could get it together. I'm struggling to find something to wear that actually fits, and I'm breastfeeding so much that I'm constantly hungry and thirsty. I feel by turns elated, desolate, overjoyed, and isolated. It's good to read this, and know I'm not alone! And you're doing it with three!!! Kudos to you!

[muskrat]

isn't that what whiskey and pills are for?

[Issa]

You and Catherine (HBM) are way more eloquent than I could ever hope to be...but I am right there with you. Almost six weeks later and I haven't found my groove, or any groove at all.

All I can say is, I hope it gets better. It will, I know it will.

[sunny]

Oh great, now I'm crying. And I even got it together to wear makeup today -- thanks a lot!

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

My baby turns 5 soon and I think I'm still waiting for something. Or maybe this is it. Who knows? Beautifully posted.

[Sarah]

I'm at almost 3 months... Maybe seeing a tiny glimmer of the pieces. Oh wait. No. It's gone.

(Great post.)

[serenity]

Gorgeous post.

[Lady M]

Lovely.

I'm looking forward to reclaiming more parts of me as the months go on.

[Asianmommy]

Absolutely! It's so easy to get lost in mommyhood in those early days...months...years!

[mothergoosemouse]

My wardrobe is still not up to speed, but I promise you that the rest of it gets better. Much better.

[Ruth]

I just had a baby on October 7th, slightly earlier than you and I completely appreciated this posting. It is EXACTLY how I feel.. that feeling of wanting to get back to some sort of normal but lacking the motivation and even necessity to do so. My wardrobe is a ridiculous mixture of sweats and t-shirts and I long to be simply put together someday soon. I am mother too. I get it. It's nice to know there are others like me out there too. Thanks.

[Jennifer]

Oh, golly. I feel ya. I was just trying to explain this to one of my good friends today so she can help her sister in law survive here in a few months when her *twins* are born. I ended up writing a ridiculously long email to her and still felt like my words could never do it justice.

You'll make it. In the mean time, don't be too hard on yourself. Especially about the clothes. :)

[Amanda]

Oh, you. I hear this, know it from the crusty cups to the yearning spirit. How we continue to be mother and suspend that need as our children grow. Here's hoping we can do it with grace and as few rememberer f-bombs as possible.

[Katie]

Right thre with ya...coming up on 4 weeks this Wednesday. I think I'm finally learning to live with less sleep.

[Jen]

Survival mode....you brought me back to when I brought my third home! Trust me...everything will still be there when you get ready to get to it. Take your time!

Jen

[Molly]

Wow. Don't know how you do it with three! Kudos to you, and beautifully written.

[Colleen]

Exactly.

[Kristy]

What a great post and so true. I hear ya!

[ewe_are_here]

ASk for help. Let people help, even if it's only 'small' things; they add up.

Hang in there.

[susieshomemade]

It is interesting to think of being a mother as someone who is pieces of themselves. You aren't quite all there and you aren't quite put together but, you are a mother. That above all else is real and important.

[Trenches of Mommyhood]

I know.

You sludge through it, day by day. And then month by month.

Until 3 years go by and you're on vacay in Myrtle Beach observing all 3 of your boyz playing and you look over at your husband and say, "We did it. We made it through."

The time will come.

[caramama]

Oh the survival days. I don't miss those, and I don't look forward to doing them again.

Even though looking back it seems like such a short time period, I remember that each day (and night) felt like an eternity! And that was with just one!

I hope you get through this stage quickly and as smoothly as possible. Good luck!

[susiej]

Oh Kristen... you poor thing. There is no way around these first few months. A friend wisely told me this: Your job for today is to feed your baby. If you did that; then you're done. That's really, all you need to worry about.

[Melissa P.]

I remember those days and thinking I cannot wait until the boys are a bit older.
Well now my sons are 12 and 14 and I want my babies back!
It goes too quick.

[Domestic Extraordinarie]

so true. You will have a lull when the kiddos are needing you for their baby needs, then they get bigger and you are then driving from here, to there, to everywhere. But at least your clothes match.

HUGS!

[Kate]

Kristen,
If a friend offers to come to your house and help in any way--by cooking a meal, doing some wash, whatever, PLEASE take them up on it. I would so love to do this for you if I didn't live in Chicago.

I have, however, offered to help countless women in my neighborhood when they've had new babies. And their answer is always the same: "No thanks, I'm handling it fine by myself."

They are lying, right? Who handles all that "fine," by themselves? Why are they so ashamed to accept help? What standard do they think they're being held to?

[BJC]

With my 5 grandkids all under 10 years I was at times sure my daughter might lose her mind.I think if it wasn't for 'Grandpa' I honestly think she would have.Not that I'm not close to a nervous breakdown at the end of the day but I just knew she needed a break from it all.
Funny thing is when she was a young girl she always said she wanted 9 kids.I can't help but remind her of that every chance I get.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's a shame you don't have someone to help you out when it all gets to be to much and you really need a break.
Hang in there and you'll make it through OK....

BJC !

[Reese]

BRilliant! I am on the other side of that and you will get there too. Kids are 8 and 4 and were both able to contribute in a meaningful way to cleaning the house this past weekend.

Breathe and only do what REALLY matters the rest will wait.

[mrs.chicken]

Yes. Me, too. Beautiful, K, thank you.

[the new girl]

Oh, this is a perfect post. It really is. So true and eloquent and descriptive for real.

Laying back in the cut, with the mild-stained-bra and the puke on your elbow...it'll be over before you know it.

My favorite part is about when all the pieces of you are fit back into a way that makes sense again. I JUST feel like that's happening for me now. 1.5 YEARS LATER.

You'll be faster than me, though. You're always a quick-finisher.
xo

[SuZ]

I love it.

[Lee]

beautifully written...my third is now 16 months and I'm still stuck in some time and place where I'm not sure who I was or if I'll ever emerge sane again....but I love your ending vibe....yes, we are mothers.

[PunditMom]

I wish I could say something more helpful or eloquent other than -- I'm sorry and hang in there. I can't imagine the constant demands on you with 3, but I'm thinking about you.

[anita doberman]

So true! And, I hear about the nursing pads - for some odd reason I refused to use them this last time around -- I have a drawer full of nursing bras with permanent stains...
:)

[Amy]

Beautifully put.

[Kayla]

Hey - I know it is hard, I was once there. I only have the one but at the time I was all alone and it all weighed on me. All my family was in Florida and there was no extra helping hand. The best thing I did for my sanity was to have someone come in once a week to help me clean up and do laundry for me. IT helped me more then words can ever express:)

Hang in there.... K

[Must be Motherhood]

you said it, sister.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

I hate the first 4 to 6 months of new motherhood. I love my babies but I'm always so ready for them to get older. And then they do. Damn them.

[Claire]

That's EXACTLY how it is and you worded it perfectly. It's hard to turn that emotion and all those auto-pilot things into words; thanks. Now I can look forward to doing it again and this time, I'll be more aware.

[Courtney]

OMG i remember those days. It has been almost 3 years for me but i still remember. It is so hard to adjust and then readjust and so it over and over with each kid. But being mommy isnt so bad when you have a cute squirmy baby to cuddle with!

[Jenna]

Oh my. With my first child 2 and 1/2 and my second still a 14 week old lima bean in my belly, I find myself trying to prepare mentally for those early days.

Your writing brought it all back. Thanks. (I think.) :-)

[Christy]

Beautifully put. "It is survival, not living, in these days" that is exactly what it is. I wish I could've known those words when I was in that stage with my own kids, because I held onto so much guilt about "surviving."

[Heather Mark]

Amazing. You just wrote what I've been trying to say for months. Thank you!

[Grace]

I feel the same way and it don't even have a lovely newborn to show for it. We just moved overseas.

Since the temps have dropped and there's no where to go, I've been feeling stuck in the toddler trap.

For your sake and mine, here to hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

[MommyNamedApril]

funny thing is, how we miss it when it's gone...

[Paula]

You hit the nail on the head. Having had two children already, you know that this will all change. I remember relishing the middle-of-the-night moments when I sat outside my daughter's bedroom wondering if I needed to go in or if she would put herself back to sleep. I am not needed for that much any more. Now, I long for an infant in my arms again, but I know I cannot have another. Live in the moment, Mom.

[Seriously, Jess]

You did it. You've perfectly summed it up. When I look back at when my kids were newborns, it's all a distant, hazy blur. Your post brought those memories back into focus. Thank you.