The Little Blog Women: Quotable Lucinda, Witty Liz, Intelligent HBM and Random Mrs. Fortune
Loosely inspired by Chase's participation in the
nerdy cool Lost Blogs deal where she blogged as Amelia Earhart, I have decided to attempt to blog like some of my favorite blog pals (aka the Little Blog Women - Hello L.M. Alcott fans, anyone?). Granted, people seem to like my style, but it's always nice to have a change and perhaps I can tweak my writing and gain more readers. Knowing my luck however, I'll probably lose some, but I'm not going to think about that.
So, my first thought was to emulate the Dialoggablogga Master, Lucinda. Seriously, the girl can post 14 pages of pure, hilarious dialogue.
"Is that a thong you're wearing?"
"No, I like to call it 'butt-floss'"
"Okay, but wouldn't you throw the floss away when you're done - especially if it was touching your ass?"
"Well, no, not really, because it's a thong. Who throws away a thong?"
"Right, um, not you, I gather."
-- Problem is, I really have no interesting dialogue with anyone but myself - see above - (and that's just a little to scary to post - and wouldn't it all have to be ONE long paragraph?) or my 21 month old (and you all know how that would go - think painful, bleeding ears, rhythmic rocking, and humming of Stars and Stripes Forever...). If I did have a funny conversation, I could probably only remember about 4 lines and then I'd need to pull out a notepad and pen OR my voice recorder, which would probably kill the entire thing. So, I'll leave that funny shit to Lucinda. --
Then, I thought that I need more sounds and self-talking. While I do feel as though my readers really get what I'm saying, there's nothing like a "urgh" or "feh" to make them really get it. Or, the [turning corner, running quickly with head up ass] thoughts that add that little "something." Well, there's no one like Mom-101 when it comes to blog "sounds" and "self-banter." Seriously, aside from her mastery of the "beh-feh-meh" triple combo, she might have the best "ack/double ack" placement on the internet.
I'm not quite sure if that comment was supposed to be insulting. Ack. Or if I was supposed to take it as a back-handed compliment. Double ack. [Pretty for a New Yorker... - isn't that a name of a Woody Allen movie?]. Either way, the woman had a hump on her back that was no match for even an Arabian Camel and I'm pretty sure I saw her spit halfway across Manhattan. Feh.
-- Sadly, even my impression doesn't make sense. I have a total lack of "sound placement and self-talk intuition." And, I have no idea how exactly to spell the damn sounds. Like I've used "pfffftttt," but isn't that what a fart sounds like? and, are they italicized or quoted? How does she know all this? However, I can strategically place a damn good muthafucking expletive. So, I'll just stick with that. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?--
Or perhaps I need to use a lot of huge words and insert various cute pictures of my daughter. It's funny, interesting, and educational. Like Her Bad Mother, I'm a professor. I can use the DAMN BIG WORDS DAMNITALLTOHELL.
Hitherto my readers, I offer you tidings from the land of whence forsaken bulbous-headed Lilliputians came forth and dragged me tossing and traversing into a place so darkened by pain and sorrow that I can only creep through to a higher plateau of warmth, depth, and majesty.
Is my magnanimous moment distracted by such utter sweetness?
--But alas, while I may know big words, I have no idea how to use them to form actual sentences like my dear HBM does, so I'll just stick to various expletives and witty 12-point scrabble words. Plus, her daughter looks way cuter with a big pile of bubbles on her head. I promise.--
And finally, I considered just posting about totally random shit that absolutely no one in the entire universe would ever think of, but yet, I do and I make it so damn funny that on occasion people might actually pee themselves laughing. You know, like Mrs. Fortune.
I've often pondered whether street signs could possibly be code words for the Witness Protection Programs. I mean, they have to keep track of them somehow, so maybe it's through street names.
Do you ever wonder if mad cow disease can be caught by women? Crazed pregnant women who could, in theory, eat an entire box of McDonald's fish sandwiches and not feel bad.
I'm seriously considering getting my belly button pierced. I've got to find something to distract away from the stretch marks and oh, the large belly still housing a baby.
-- But, let's face it. I just can't sell the random and totally hilarious posts as well as she can.--
So, while I admire these great bloggers, and many others whom I have yet to humor with my piss-poor impressions (Izzy, you're on my list, and ps I love your new site, and pss we love our CMP logo, and psss I'm so glad you're going blogher. hehe.), I like to think that my little formula of "sarcasm, cynicism, and a no more mrs. nice mom approach to the mom blog" works. Maybe not for everyone, but just enough to make me feel like people like me. And damnit. That's all that matters. Bah.
Okay, so did you like my impressions? Well, even if you didn't, go here and sign up for the email newsletter. Tell them I sent you. Why? Because if I refer 25 people, and I'm one of the first five, then I get a free ipod shuffle. And I like free stuff. Particularly that. I don't have one. I'm not cool. I want to be cool on the plane ride to Arizona next weekend, for my 30th birthday in 3 weeks, and my trip to Blogher. You get the picture. Oh, and you can do all this too (refer people, that is). Today I got children's book recommendations from them - not bad.