Motherhood Uncensored

The Huz's Guide on How NOT to Get Laid

1. After slowly and reluctantly removing your wife's clothing, exclaim loudly with utter disgust, "Phew. I smell ass." There's nothing like the discovery of a stinky butthole (most likely YOUR OWN) to make your wife roll far away to the other side of the bed.

2. Amidst your wife's rant about her newly droopy, veiny, and tiny boobs, say something like "It's okay, honey. I didn't marry you for your boobs anyway." [Read: Your boobs were always kind of lacking. And I don't ever want sex. Ever.].

3. On a regular, predictable basis, make sure to point out the large "ass crater" (as you call it) that your wife's newly expanded post-baby hips make in the bed. I guess if you never want to have sex in the bed, it might as well at least be comfortable to sleep in.

4. When purchasing your "I'm-sorry-I-didn't-get-you-a-gift-so-I-ran-out-and-picked-you-up-this-piece-of-crap" present, make sure you purchase a size LARGE lace number with big, hard booby cups. Nothing says "I never want to have sex ever again" like a sorry excuse for lingerie masquerading as an armored chest piece in one size bigger than what I really am.

5. To insure the total turnoff factor, grope and grab your wife as she's bent over your naked toddler, while wiping her poopy butt with 4000 wet wipes, and staring at her crotch. Other than a large smoking fart, that might be the best "No sex please" message you can send.

And my new all-time favorite "no-sex-ever-with-me-in-this-lifetime" tip:

6. Remind your wife that she has big arms, a large gut, and bad eating habits - all of which make you worry that she doesn't care about her body. Additionally, add that YOU in fact care about how you look. Disregard the fact that she recently had two miscarriages and is expecting her period.

Don't consider that she goes to the gym three times a week, stating "I don't know WHAT you do at the gym..." and offer to monitor her food intake like a fucked up Jenny Craig wannabe. Clearly state your fears that she will inevitably end up at Overeater's Anonymous or on a TLC show ala the 700lb man (now woman). Okay, I added that.

And above all, make sure you make your wife feel like a total loser, even though she just recently lost 10lbs due to psuedo-IBS and weaning, and was kind of thinking that she was looking good.

That, my friends, will absolutely and positively insure that you will NEVER GET SEX.

Holiday Gift Giving 101

I'm really not a fan of V-day. It annoys the piss out of me that we are all sucked into the vacuum of "pseudo-love" when really it's just another day that they have decided would be good to sell shit, particularly RED. I'm not anti-romance, by any means, but I grow tired of the constant bombardment of teddy bears, chocolates, and roses that represent very little about how I feel towards my huz after 2 or so years of marriage and one toddler. Look, when you get that point (and cripes, I'm only at the beginning) you wish for a bit more than a stuffed red rabbit can really express - time together, deep conversations, and well SEX. Let's face it. I'd prefer some good lovin' and a nice card over anything else you could buy me. None of this bang you for 2 minutes and then fall asleep naked half on top of you crap. But, perhaps a nice bath, candles, lingerie, and LOVE MAKING?

When you get to my ripe old age of 30 (heh), there comes a time when you have enough crappy stuff. You don't want anymore things you are not going to use that you are just going to have to 1) give away, 2) throw away, or 3) pack away and MOVE. The sentiment is lost amidst the "why did you buy that? I don't need or want that. Where the hell did you get that?" discussions post holiday. I'm not trying to be a bitch here, I'm just trying to say that if you want to get us something, get us some HOT SEX. Why bother spending the money on all that shit when really, all a girl wants, is some nice FREEEEEEE romantic sex.

And, really, this works with ALL HOLIDAYS. Perhaps some red-white-n-blue- panties for independence day (set her free, man, set her free). OR, some role-playing at Christmastime ala Santa and his special little elf. At least then WE will know that the GOOD SEX is coming at least 4-5 times a year. Think of all the money both of you could save, plus everyone needs a little shot *ahem* of optimism now and then.

So, this Valentine's Day, buy some candles, bath oils, rose petals, and lingerie - or if you are on a budget, buy nothing and just wear some hotnsexy boxer briefs - put on some romantic music, maybe SADE or STING, and WOO THE LADY. WOO HER HARD. WOO HER BAD. WOO HER GOOD.

Make V-day truly her V-day (you know the "other" V...), and all will be well for EVERYONE.

It's Not Just for the Ladies...

Crotch Hair Styling... that is (I can barely even say PUBS, let alone type it)... I was kindly informed by DUTCH that I may be scaring off the men by all my whoo-ha hair discussions so I had felt as though I, as an all-encompassing, non-sexist, equal rights for all kind of gal, decided to make things even.

You don't just have to be a metrosexual to do a little trimming down below. It never hurt anyone, and I can pretty much guarantee you'll get way more action if things are a little more in control... the hair, that is. No one wants to have to go searching... I know, I know, you all have HUGE WANGS and so women never have to scavenge through the dark curlies (blech....), BUT, dare I say a little trimming makes the fella look a little bigger and I never heard a girl complain about that.

An yes, balls too... Don't leave them out of the fun. I can't say that's going to motivate anyone to juggle those things for you, BUT HELL, it's worth a try.

Oh, and please, not bald, just trimmed. Reasonably contained, no designs or anything fancy. It can get scary enough down there without the shape of some weird tribal symbol shaved onto your pubic bone...

I hope that evened things up a bit. Now I'm going to go puke.

For The Men: Part Deux (that's two in French, boys)

In light of the recent posts on romance and the like (see my post entitled "for the men"), I found this lovely Tenacious D song quite appropo. Now, I'm one of those moderate Jack Black fans - he's sometimes funny and entertaining, other times annoying - and well, makes me want to eat my own arm off. Regardless, I enjoyed this song. And I laughed. Hard.

Enjoy. Important points in RED. My comments in ITALICS (That's slanty writing, boys).

Fuck Her Gently

This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin give her some smooches too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze (Gently please, and don't discriminate)
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey

I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly (Generally, leave the balls out (or in I guess when seeking ROMANCE)

And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite position? (Ask questions, knowledge leads to power and many orgasms)
That's cool with me (Agreeability, always a romantic quality in my book)
Its not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
Im not gonna cook it
But I'll order it from Zanzibar (Please, don't cook, ordering is FINE)

And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard
Hard (See, you get your chance, IF you offer the SWEET lovin')

Classes For Men

I'm not so sexist in that I know not all men need these classes - but I did find it pretty funny. I only wish I had come up with them on my own. Enjoy.

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY, Jan.30,2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and rol! e-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.    


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.   

For The Men...

No sorry, no naked pics of me (like that would be exciting these days). Just a few words for you. Seeing as my friend got neglected on her birthday, and well, I'm feeling neglected myself (see earlier posts), here is a rule of thumb for you. I'm not saying any of this ACTUALLY happened. I'm just trying to create analogies that will click in the minds of MEN.

1) Romance is NOT lighting a candle and then asking for a blow job. Romance includes, but is not limited to the following: A nice card and flowers, making plans for a dinner out (without her knowing is way better), taking a bath TOGETHER, foreplay, more foreplay, and oh, more foreplay.

2) Gifts are NOT you scrubbing the kitchen floor or not playing X-box one night. Gifts are things your gf/spouse/etc. actually want that she can hold in (or better ON) her hand. Flowers, dinners, etc. are great - but they should NEVER be the SOLE GIFT. It's especially nice to receive a gift (like lingerie or clothing) that you think would look good on her - and if unsure of the size, aim SMALL - unless it's a BRA.

3) Make a big deal on special days. You can never go BIG enough. Buy a balloon, card, signage, etc. I equate it to boobs and penises: BIGGER is ALWAYS BETTER. Make sense?

4) Don't make her day into YOUR day. She doesn't want to hang out with your friends, she doesn't want to watch you play X-box, she doesn't want to just "stopover" Joeblow's house for a quick drink, and she certainly DOES NOT want to have to remind you that it's a special day (especially after you already know it's a special day). We do enough shit for you that you should remember. THE WHOLE DAY.

and 5) Offering and providing oral sex will save you if you have broken the 4 said rules. It works every time. Guaranteed.