Motherhood Uncensored

So what are you doing for Valentine's Day next year?

If Eve Ensler was a Muppet on Sesame Street

 

She may not want to hear about your vagina, but she'll do a bang up job (heh) of teaching your young daughters about theirs.

Safety first

Considering sex is hardly a convenient activity these days, adding condoms into the mix shouldn't make it that much more complicated.

And yet, the whining. Oh the whining.

As you know, I've left the birth control situation up to my husband, since I'm afraid of IUDs, and don't act so favorably (try rabid animal on crack) with birth control pills.

And since the V word, especially thanks to the dramatic interpretation, has been banned from our household for awhile, it's condoms.

So tell me, moms and dads, are you one of those whiners? Or do you do your civic, baby preventing duty and use them with ease?

You can chat and listen live as we discuss this on Morning Sex with Mominatrix from 10:30am EST to 10:45am. And if you can't make it, you can always click the archives (left side) or make sure to catch it on your iPod via iTunes.

And I'll actually be talking about all sorts of birth control method at Mominatrix tomorrow, everyone's favorite (okay, or maybe just mine) sex column for parents. I'd love for you to stop by and let me know what you use and if you like it (or not). Plus you might be able to win some free stuff too!

Sex After Childbirth - Hot or Not?

I realize there are a bunch of moms whose husbands have circled that six-week date on the family calendar like it's some sort of holiday. Except it's not one that she wants to celebrate.

But there's also a bunch of women who are really looking forward to hopping back into the sack, thanks to a really long sex-less pregnancy, or even just the desire to feel human again after those grueling first post partum weeks.

And while iit wasn't necessarily "HOT" (or hey, maybe it is), it was way better than you thought it would be.

Today from 10:30am EST to 10:45 (that's 15 lousy minutes people!) on "Morning Sex with Mominatrix," I'll be discussing a Mominatrix dad reader who asked how to prepare for sex after childbirth, and make it a positive experience for his spouse. Apparently, she's a little worried about how it's going to feel.

And unfortunately, until that baby actually comes out, it's a bit hard to say. But perhaps you can offer your expertise in that area as well. Or in the least, cast your vote in our "hot or not" poll later this morning.

You can listen live and chat at Blog Talk Radio, call in, or catch the archived show in my side bar (top left). And if you like listening, please consider subscribing via iTunes. And telling all your friends on Twitter.

Manscaping - It's what all the cool kids are doing these days

I'm headed South and West this morning to meet up with some of my favorite peeps at Mom 2.0, which means crazed debauchery and in depth dildo discussions.

That was the actual title for our session but "It's the end of PR as we know, and we feel fine."

But apparently SOMEONE is a huge fan of REM.

Whatever.

So if you need a little something to start your morning, check out my "Morning Sex with Mominatrix" podcast (10:30am EST). We're talking about manscaping - hot or not? You'd be surprised how many dudes freaked out over the whole "Shave the Date" thing. So chicks gotta go bald but dudes need to sport the Amazon jungle in their underpants?

Listen to the show, and then vote over at Imperfect Parent.

And you'll get the results of last week's burning question. I know you've been dying to know what the public thinks about sex toys on Valentine's Day.

And if you missed it, click that button in my right side bar after 10:45am EST and you can listen to the whole thing. Or subscribe via iTunes and you'll never miss another show.

[If you're headed to Mom 2.0, leave me a comment and come find me. I'll be the one with the sweeeet baby attached to my boob].

Morning Sex - The Breakfast of Champions

If you can spare 15 minutes of your morning (from 10:30am to 10:45am EST), check out my new, revived podcast, now called "Morning Sex with Mominatrix." Each week we'll pose a "Hot or Not" question to listeners that you can then go vote on over at the Imperfect Parent (GO VOTE!), and I'll offer a fun "tip of the week." And I'm not talking "reservoir" or "plain" (ahem).

Or maybe I will.

Hopefully it'll give you a good little giggle.

Oh, and I have an insanely sexy voice.

Or at least, that's what I like to think.

[If you missed the show, or want to listen at home or happen to live in PST and are still sleeping (bastards), then you can download the podcast via iTunes and/or listen to it by clicking "play" on the audio player in my sidebar]

That's all she wrote

I pressed send yesterday evening and submitted 50,961 words to my editor that will soon become a book.

"What's it about?" everyone asks me.

Depending on the crowd (my in-laws, my mother, the doctor who asked what I did for a living), I tell them it's a parenting book. A sort of "self-help" for moms.

That's not too far off, I guess.

For most people, I tell them it's about sex. And motherhood. And how to make the two work when the thought of seeing your naked body in the bright light sort of depresses you and you want to bop your husband in the head with a pee-pee diaper.

So, really it's a book about porn and sex toys!

(Kidding).

(Well, sort of).

It's supposed to be a funny take on sex for parents, without an expert giving you homework that involves talking dirty at dinner, or a sexpot named "Violet Blue" giving you instructions on how to use a strap-on dildo.

And I hope that everyone buys a bunch of copies when it comes out in December 2009.

I think this might just be better than Wii Fit

Girl will have some rock hard thighs after a few of these "exercises." 

[The link is not suitable for work unless you want to shoot soda through your nose and onto your computer. Just ask her.]

Orgasm for Peace - Make Moregasm not Wargasm (Tomorrow 7:04am EST, seriously)

As you may have read earlier today, I could use any excuse for alone time these days, so it wasn't hard for me to get behind orgasming to support world peace with Global Orgasm. Of course, considering all the running around and chasing after we do all day long, we should be able to get off by just drinking a cup of coffee in complete silence.

Okay, a strategically placed vibrating cup, perhaps.

Since it's rarely that simple, there is a two-hour window (6-8am EST), although if you're an overachiever, you should aim for the exact moment of the Winter Solstice -  7:04am EST.

But since we are parents, a little romp in the sack does take a little preparation. Decide tonight whether you're going to draw straws and let someone give the gift of orgasm to the other ('tis the season of giving, people), or if you're going to make a date for morning sex. Since it's still pretty dark out, you won't have to worry about your nakedness blinding your spouse under the bright lights (thank god), but if your kids are early risers, you might want to be ready with a dvd and waffles.

And just make sure you lock your door.

[Thanks to MochaMomma for the heads up. For more tips on how to get off fast, visit the Mominatrix]

Well it's December and you know what that means, right?

It's the patron saint of crazy post partum mother's birthday!

Okay, no, that's not really what it means. It means that it's time for the annual Mominatrix Holiday Gift Guide, chock full of ridiculously expensive and fairly reasonable dildos, vibrators, and stuff that might make your run for your rosary that are sure to make perfect gifts for those crazy sex fiends in your family.

What's better than the gift of an orgasm this holiday season? That's one way to beat the recession.

And if you stick the fancy button up on your blog and send an email to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com with your url, you'll be entered to win one of two gift packs courtesy of Babeland.

Yeehaw!

For a slightly more kosher holiday guide, you should peruse the Cool Mom Picks Holiday Gift Guide. We can't guarantee orgasms, but there's a ring in there that I'm pretty sure would get me damn close.

Now back to wiping THREE (count 'em people THREE) NOSES.