Motherhood Uncensored

Weirder Than Weird

Apparently I am embroiled in a competition to find out who is the weirdest of them all. I'm not sure this is something I want to win, but hell. I have no shame.

Just promise you won't run away screaming. (And for 16 other weird things about me, click here and here).

So, I give you Six Weird Things About Me: SEX EDITION

1. I once stuck a plastic red chopstick in the ass of my preschool friend. We were playing doctor. Enough said.

2. I once was chewing gum while providing oral pleasure and it got stuck in his pubic hair and he had to shave it off.

3. I dated a guy in college who I had believe that I could orgasm just by thinking about it. It was pretty funny. And it was the best orgasm I had while dating him.

4. I have only ever owned two pornos, both of which were really awful old Asian ones where the women weren't Asian, but rather scary white ladies with really bad black eyeliner and even worse fake accents. "Oh Baby. You Make-y Me Soooooooooo Hohn-eeeeeeee!"

5. I like nipples. Always have. Always will. Except when I'm nursing. Then you must stay away. Even during sex. Stay. Away.

6. I am writing a sex column that drops today.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

I tag: Mrs. Chicken, Her Sister, and Jason (Sex Edition is optional, of course)

*PSA: The Blog Exchange call for participants is up.

What's Worse than a Bowl of Deep Fried Pickles on a Bed of Brown Lettuce?

I thought I was going to get off scot free on this one. You know, sneak under radar and not get caught. But alas, I have been had. And so I give you the list of things I can't stand.

1. People who leave their cell phones on during events such as weddings, conference sessions, funerals, and orchestra concerts, even when reminded several times.

2. When you send a nice personal email to someone and you only ever hear from them through crappy spam emails.

3. People who use incredibly bizarre spellings of common names. Way to make life just a little harder for your kid.

4. No writing in greeting cards. What? You can't say "Hey, how are you?"

5. No eye contact when you're talking to me. You don't have to stare, but can you at least pretend like you're listening.

6. Hanging up and not leaving a message and then wondering why I didn't call you back.

7. Sending a nice gift package to someone and NEVER hearing whether they got it or not.

8. Pantyhose with open-toed shoes. And really, pantyhose in general.

9. Gum, bones, etc. that people take out of their mouth indiscreetly and lay on their plate while they're eating. Or even better, when they put the gum on the can of soda they are drinking. Dude. I'll give you another piece of gum. THROW IT AWAY.

10. People who say "oh you're from JOISEY."  No one from Jersey talks like that. NOT ONE.

11. People who leave comments like "Cool" or "Nice" on epicly awesome posts.

12. People who say "yes" to "are you ready to order?" but then sit there, proceed to read the menu, ask 14 questions about the entrees, and then decide they need more time.

13. Crappy salad veggies at a restaurant. That tomato is a white/green and that lettuce is BROWN. Would you eat that?

14. People who use the wrong words for obvious things. Like certain not-blood related family members who call "tights" ... "leotards."

15. People who make silly assumptions about music therapy like "Oh, you sing songs for sick people" or "How nice to sing for the old folks."

16. People who don't live in Mississippi and have never been to Mississippi and then try to tell me that Mississippi isn't that bad.

17. People that don't get it when I tell them I taught at a university or they ask why I would come here for a job like "that" -- an assistant professor of music position.

18. People who continue to think my daughter is a boy even when she is dressed in pink and then suggest I get her ears pierced and put a bow in her hair so people can tell.

19. When people insult Asians (or any folks of color) right in front of me (including those same not-blood related folks). I wrote a book on multiculturalism people. HELLO.

20. When people come to my blog and complain about the "racy" content and bad words. Note the title of the blog people.

Hi There, I'm Here for a Vulva Piercing

And other things you'll NEVER hear me say...

(Now with PICTURES!)

2) You know. These size 4 jeans are actually a little big on me. Do you have a 2 I could try?

3) Sure honey, go play another round. And take your time. Please.

4) Whoever invented the deep fried pickle is a genius.

5) Hey doc. Do you have a spare speculum I could take home to play around with?

6) I'll really miss Mississippi.

7) No no. The large red anal beads on the top left rack. Yes. I'll take those.

8) How will they ever find anyone better than George Bush to run this country?

9) To save time, just go ahead and give me that epistiotomy.

10) Hey Dad [in-law]. You should really check out my blog.

Thanks to Chris for the idea. Care to share any of yours (in my comments)?.

And yes, they do exist:

Deep Fried Pickles. On a bed of wilted Iceberg.

I AM tomkitten...

I WANT them to change my name to something fun like "Tayka Cruise" or "Juana" Cruise" - I mean "Suri Cruise?" What kind of celebrity name is that?

I WISH people would stop pestering my dad... Chris Klein isn't a bad guy, really.

I MISS the test tube where I was conceived.

I HEAR my mom on the phone with Brooke Shields every day.

I WONDER why everyone is so damn quiet around here.

I REGRET that I had to pop out of my mom and see Tom's crazy mug.

I AM NOT an alien. However, I may grow up to be like one if someone doesn't remove me from this house pronto.

I DANCE like a baby. Go figure.

I AM NOT ALWAYS quiet. I figure someone has to make some damn noise around this house.

I WRITE "Psychotropics are Good" with my spit-up when no one's looking. 

I CONFUSE Tom and my mom all the time. They're both "boobs" to me.

I NEED some freaking plain old breastmilk please.

I SHOULD start my own religion.

I START crying everytime my mom retires another pair of heels.

I FINISH my bottle of sugar water, vitamins, and goat's milk every morning. And then I spit it out at Tom - when he's home, that is.

I TAG Kingston Stefani-Rossdale and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Damn lucky bastards.

Sorry the tag took so long, Melissa. Thanks to Mom-101 for the inspiration.

PSAs:

*Have you read new issue of The Whole Mom yet? I'm honored to have my essay "Having it All" featured. Check it out.

*Have you signed up for Mom Ready? Free cool columns that you'll actually read (note today's lovely ditty) and tell them I sent you.

*Have you signed up for the Cool Mom Picks newsletter? Um, hello. Free stuff to be won if you do (or you can at least try to win). Once a month people. No spam.

This Meme is Gonna Get You...

Sheesh. Even Amalah did this one. It's moving like rapid fire throughout the blogosphere and alas, I've been tagged by Five lovely ladies. So, here are 6 REALLY good ones (or at least I like to think so):

1. Those were NOT a picture of my feet in the last post. I actually have really nice feet people - I've even gotten several "nice feet" as pick up lines in bars. It never worked , mainly because I'm not into women, except Angelina - maybe.

2. I used to dance with a ballet company. I could stand in a doorway on one leg with the other one on the top of the doorway. (For those of you trying to picture this, it's a big split...). I am, however, one of the clumsiest people I know.

3. I dated a Rhodes Scholar in college. He was a mennonite so he was not allowed to dance, but he could hump my leg. I always thought that at some point he would "move over." He never did. It took me way too long to figure that out.

4. Until I was about 17, I thought oral sex was when you talked doing it with your girlfriend/boyfriend. I used to look it up in the dictionary because I had a feeling that just wasn't right.

5. I was a veggie and then vegan for about 8 years. KFC broke me the first time and the 2nd time was hot dogs. I have a love/hate relationship with processed meat.

6. I have a 35 inch inseam. It's hard to find pants. And I look horrific in elastic waist ANYTHING. I really tried the whold umbros thing back in 1991. Very very bad.

Consider yourself tagged (I'm going big - plus everyone I know has already done this one):

Dooce, Alice, & BusyMom

Saturday Meme & Audience Questions

My newly Brisith friend Hills has tagged me. And because she's the one that got me started on this blogging endeavor, I must oblige.

Accent - Try drama student with a slight NJ accent who then lived overseas then moved to the midwest and then the South.

Booze of choice - Is wine or beer considered booze?

Chore I hate - Ironing.  Please, who invented clothes that wrinkle?

Dog or Cat - Dogs. Now Kitchen Only Dogs.

Essential electronics - Computer. Cell phone. My record player (kidding).

Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) - I'm allergic to 'real' perfume, but I can sport a body spray with the best of them.  I'm wearing the ginger crap from Origins now.

Gold or Silver? - White gold or silver.

Hometown - Medford, NJ

Insomnia? - Not unless I have a fabulous blog idea or I'm thinking about Cool Mom Picks. Otherwise, I sleep like a rock.

Job Title - Co-founder, editor, author, and expert butt wiper (not in any particular order).

Kids? - Two if you count the huz.

Living Arrangement - Large old crappy house that has no central heat or air (we live in Mississippi folks - box a/c can only do so much).

Most admired trait - Reasonably outgoing and funny (although I haven't been able to test this theory will real adult humans in a long time).

Number of Sexual Partners - Are. you. kidding?

Overnight Hospital Stays - Uno. Freshman year finals week. Bizarre stomach flu.

Phobia - Not so keen on heights - I mean, I'll go up a tall building (on the inside) but you won't see me jumping out.

Quote - Can you quote yourself? No. I actually like Mom-101's line - I don't know what I'm doing either.

Religion - Converted Catholic for marriage purposes only.

Siblings - One brother - 5 years younger.

Time I wake up - WAY TOO EARLY thanks to my alarm clock disguised as a cute 20-month old.

Unusual talent/skill - I can say all the books of the bible in order very quickly. Goes over great at the Muslim bar I frequent.

Vegetable I refuse to eat - None. I'm not picky. I wipe a kid's ass - weird veggies are nothing.

Worst habit - Nail biting - started with the breastfeeding to keep me awake.

X-rays - Teeth.

Yummy foods I make - Please. They are all from foodnetwork.com. I take NO credit for any food I make. I can follow directions reasonably well, therefore I can cook a few things.

Zodiac sign - Taurus <-- didn't you know that already?

I am tagging some new folks:

Her Bad Mother, Redneck Mommy, and Chelle

And now for audience questions ~ (Yes, I'm asking YOU)

1) Does playdoh really think that we don't know they are packaging black tar and trying to sell it as fun stuff for kids?

2) Do you have to be a genius to neatly separate the 8 triangles in the Pillsbury crescent roll package and make them into something that looks edible?

3) Is 7:30am with a toddler laying next to you pulling individual hairs out of your head considered sleeping late?

4) Have you heard of a DINK (Double Income No Kids)? I had never heard the term until last night when the huz told me his work friend was having a party that we were not invited to. And then I'm like, are we that annoying? I mean, I honestly only talk about the kid when I'm asked. And let's face it, how much would they bitch if we had a party for us OILKs (One income likes kids) and didn't invite them?

Dude, I don't care if you don't want to procreate - and quite frankly, based on your really annoying personality and really bad 1982 jean jacket, it's probably a good thing.

Discuss.

Before I was the Fairy Blogmother, I Wanted to Be Alanis

I have been sucked in, for good reason, by Mrs. Fortune, who is trying to get us all to embarrass ourselves with our poetic masterpieces of days gone by. In layperson's terms, she wants us to share our crappy teenage-angst poetry.

Now, while I did write good ode-to-my-shitty-life poems every now and then, most of mine were in the form of song. Yes, up until very recently, I actually used to write songs, play guitar, and sing at bars. But, the late nights and smoky bars became a bit much. Plus, it's really hard to write songs when you aren't getting screwed over by a stupid asshole boyfriend.

And, while my rousing renditions of "Mama Said Poop It Out" ala LLCoolJ and "2foot2, full of poo..." are quite a hit with the little one, I'm not quite sure they'd go over so well in even the best of Mississippi Bars.

So, while I did write a few songs worthy of an audience, I pulled out my this-shall-never-see-the-dim-light-of-a-dingy-bar song  just for you.

Faker*

(Think loud thrashing guitar, angst-ridden 20-something)

V1: You can read a book, not my body

Tune up baby, and open up your eyes

Screaming ain't the key to happiness I was told

This shit you are giving me is getting fucking old

lalalalalala yeah...

Ch: So, what's mister big man gonna do?

Shot down with a rifle that's loaded with the truth

Take your mirror, get back on your horse

Cuz baby your love is like a curse

lalalalalalala yeah yeah

V2: Don't touch me, just go touch yourself

The pleasure I'm needing is something that you've never felt

You don't know what you're missing, you're in your own world

Let me wake you up cuz you ain't doing it for this girl.

*Alternate titles:

I need a rabbit.

You suck in bed, you dig?

I Love the 80s

I can't take credit for this idea. I was inspired by new pal Mom-101, who, if you have not stopped over at her place, is hilarious. Dare I say even more sarcastic and cynical than mother? Anyway, I'm still giggling about her post of the same title and decided to make a meme out of it. Let me just say in advance that I have the "I-really-think-I-invented-it-but-then-I-really-didn't" disease, so my apologies to anyone who actually created this one. If not, I ROCK.

So, go read her post (I Love the 80s Part II) and then feel free to do one of your own - tagged or not.

Here is my likeness ala 80s Hottie:

I'm the tall brunette in the back.

Now, go forth and share pictures (of your likeness, not the REAL you, silly). If you are reading this and laughing and/or you are on my blogroll, then consider yourself tagged. If you want a personal invitation, let me know, but otherwise, YOU are IT. And TB, Kristina, Jaime, and Cori, YOU TOO!

Let the craziness begin.

PS: Who needs code? Get your MotherDuds buttons, kids. They are all the rage.

10 Weirder and Randomer Things About Me

I am currently avoiding the television because the huz (who never watches tv) has decided HE is watching the FLIGHT 93 movie on AnE tonight and well, like Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan, it's a movie in which I know hundreds of people get killed, and I just don't feel like having the image in my head before bed. I'd much prefer watching the Biggest Loser Family Finale - making me, well, the biggest loser.

Anyway, I was tagged by my pal over at (This) Girls Gone Child. And since I already did a post like this way back in the day, I figure, this list will include weirder and more randomer things about me - oh, and my daughter. Hence the meme and sheshe. And, I can't take credit for the idea - GGC is way ahead of the times - living it up in the L to the A...

MEME

1. I fast forward uncomfortable parts in movies. It doesn't matter if I have never seen the movie before or if I have seen it a thousand times. And, it's not just like murders or scary scenes, it's like people getting yelled at by their mother, or children getting caught by the childcatcher (sorry, just watched CHITTYCHITTYBANGBANG)...

2. I have a grey streak on the right side of my head and I hate it. It used to be bright red and I had hairdressers ask me all the time if I dyed it that way. NOPE - and about 4 years ago it turned WHITE. I dye it every now and then... or pluck it.

3. I was married before and I won that wedding on a tv show (nothing national). So, when I got divorced, it wasn't so bad, since we didn't really spend anything on the wedding itself. And, I figured, it couldn't have been real since the pastor was named REVEREND BUDDY.

4. I chew my nails but only when I'm breastfeeding. I started doing it to keep myself awake - and now I can't stop - except now, I chew my daughters as well. She doesn't seem to mind and it keeps me from having to try to clip hers.

5. I'm obsessed with plucking eyebrows, pulling out in-grown hairs, that sort of thing. It's very fun for me. I could do it all day. The huz had an ingrown hair in his face (he has to shave everyday - damn military) and it was about 1/2 inch long. I almost had an orgasm when he let me pull it out.

6. In reference to #3, said ex gave me a strap on dildo (large and black) as well as a regular notsogreatfloppywhatthehellwillIdowiththis dildo and offered to allow me to fuck him in the ass if I wanted to shortly before we divorced. Not sure how that came into his mind. Desperation causes people to do crazy shit. I declined the offer. I'm way more into metaphorically fucking people in the ass. TYVM.

7. I have a very messed up GI system (thanks DAD) and I have bad gas. I don't fart in front of strangers or anything, but I have, on occasion, blasted my husband out of the bed. I have also thought that death was coming to me on the toilet. The pink stuff is my friend.

8. I hate anxiety provoking games - such as "Red Rover" and "Fool Ball." I get so uncomfortable that I cry and laugh at the same time. I'm not crying because I'm laughing so hard - it's more like a thisisreallyfunnynoitsnotitsreallyawful kind of cry. It can also happen when I'm in the middle of very uncomfortable conversation - or when I found a playboy bunny earring my husband used to wear (he does not wear an earring EVER).

9. My engagement ring diamond is from the ring my husband gave to his ex-fiance. She took everything when they broke up (and none of it was really hers) including the ring, but he stole it back. Not sure how I feel about it - but it's damn purty and big.

10. My daughter's birthday is the same day as this guy I dated between husbands. It still kind of freaks me out. But, it's still the best day of my life.

SHESHE

1. She shares her name (different spelling) with Ben Stiller's new kid. WE chose it first - and I think it sounds better on a girl.

2. She is a classic cancer (her sign). I'm not a huge astrology person, but I like to read it.

3. She is obsessed with babies. Live or play.

4. She just learned how to say "bad babies" - a song by Sandra Boynton. Her first 2 word phrase. Great.

5. When she doesn't want anymore food or she is mad at me, she just lets her food fall out of her mouth on the floor. It really pisses me off.

6. She is obsessed with Pooh - although she has never seen a tv show or movie with him. She wears a pooh shirt every day. Therefore, we shop at K-mart for all her clothes.

7. She is a master at wooden puzzles - recently conquering an alphabet puzzle, without assistance, in less than 5 minutes.

8. She asks for the playground by saying HORSE and her muppet movie by saying PIG.

9. If she sees a baby on tv, she will kiss the tv.

10. Her nicknames are as follows: Goosie, Miss Goose, Lady Goose, Goosaluna, and Goosamarooney. I also sing her a song "The goose is loose - the goose is on the loose." Then I started calling her Loosey Goosey - and then I stopped. HEH.

So, I'm sticking with the MOMMY TAG TREND, here goes:

Izzy, Fidget, and Kyra (all of which are coolass blogs on my roll list). YOU ARE IT.

AND PS, I didn't forget:

Happy Monday.