Motherhood Uncensored

I, on the other hand, Cannot Maintain My Silence Any Longer

I really tried. But this sort of sent me over the edge.

Oh now it doesn't have to be silent. Just no "Fuck you Tom"s please. And here - have an epi to help you... NOT CURSE. Forget the pain of childbirth. Just don't curse out Tom. Like having the big T.C. as your pop isn't bad enough.

And really. I don't put much weight in an endorsement from Kelly "I'm-married-to-crazy-Johnny-T" Preston. Because when you have your own 747 Jet (and a son of the same name - oops sorry - with an extra T...), you are so down to earth and knowledgeable.

Seriously people, are we really believing she's pregnant? Have you seen these pictures?
I'm thinking one or all of the following:

1) They're adopting and she was never pregnant. She got a little big there for awhile, but she has looked fake since day one. And I know some preggos don't gain a ton of weight. Fine. But still.

2) She already had the baby. I don't really buy this but it really looks like she has lost weight in her face. And the belly. Seriously? Not real. Look again if you don't believe me. NOT REAL.

However, I wouldn't be walking around looking at gift wrap if I had just had a baby. (Actually, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn't be looking at gift wrap, especially if I wasn't allowed to CURSE).

3) She's really pregnant and she has the weirdest fakest belly I've ever seen. Let alone a really bad bad case of herpes (ala the cold sore that never goes away). Is that the new Marilyn/Cindy mole? "Get your hot and sexy cold sore right here folks..."

All I'm saying is that when you see the baby for the first time in a few months and he's already 14, then don't be surprised if I do a little  "I told you so" dance of the silent interpretive kind (you know L. Ron Hubbard style).  And, while I truly believe Tomkat have lost it, I wouldn't want to fuck up the baby with all my noise.

Show some respect people.

So Much For Masturbation Fantasy #247

Damnit. It wasn't enough that you had to shack up with *gulp* BO fucking-beaded-corn-rows-should-never-be-worn-by-a-white-person DEREK, but now this. JOHN, what are you DOING? Seriously. You're killing me.

MU is Taking Over the World

I knew SOMEONE was reading my blog. heh heh. See, I'm not the only one who thought the MoaG casting was questionable. Read my rant about it if you are confused. Oh, and dear Chinese governmental important people, since I obviously have your attention, if you want to ban something else, how about getting rid of the damn one-child law that leads people to leave their female babies to die on streets or drown in lakes and rivers (yes, they are STILL doing that...)?

Oh, and in other bright, chipper news, it seems the middle Full House daughter (don't even TRY to make me think that you don't know EXACTLY who I'm talking about) traded in her cute curls and sweet punch lines for a meth addiction. NICE. I guess working on a show where NO co-stars have done anything else except those damn twins who are now bizillionaires will do it to you.

And PS... - my HNT will be coming later ALA Socrates and MU out on the town in the deep dirty "whatthehellarewegoingtodoonathursdaynight" South. Good times, people, good times.

We Are Chinese if You Please...

With all the world (and blogs <-- including mine) abuzz with the whole James Frey thing, it seems that NO ONE has picked up on a semi-interesting issue regarding the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha." Let me just say that I LOVED the book - probably one of my favorite all time books. I have NOT seen the movie, however, namely because I can't even tempt my dear huz into going, and well, the casting pisses me off.

Casting, you say? YES! Am I the only one who thinks it's totally ridiculous that they cast Chinese actresses for the main characters? Well, obviously, not since Ken Watanabe spoke out against critics (lots of 'em, apparently) who said the same thing. Apparently it doesn't matter your ethnicity, as long as you have talent... (HUH??)If you don't know anything about the book, or about Japanese culture, then well, a Geisha and the book, is JAPANESE. Michelle Yoeh and Xhang Xhi are CHINESE.

So, what's the big deal, you say? I mean, the movie is in English - it's not like they are speaking Japanese. YES, but it's the whole "well, they are Asian looking and they act well and people know them, so we'll cast them in this movie." Okay, fine, if it's a Love Story or some "airy" flake-o movie, but this movie is TOTALLY ABOUT Japanese CULTURE... Are there no actresses in Japan? Did they really think that Michelle and Xhang were that big of box office draws - like Brad Pitt and Angelina? - Honestly, they should have just cast her - don't Geishas wear all that white makeup anyway *insert sarcasm here."

AND, as a Chinese American, I have to say that we, as a culture in itself (separate from Foreign born Chinese, like my ancestors) have worked hard (especially in this country) to explain to others that all Asians are not the same thing... There are many ASIAN countries and we are all different. We speak different languages, eat different foods... you get the picture.

Thing is China and Japan didn't always get along. And because most people think an Asian is an Asian - they don't know that. Korea and Japan didn't always get along either. It wasn't all 'hunky-dory' over there in the big country of slanty-eyed folks (I say this proudly with my slightly slanty eyes open as wide as possible). So, I wonder, how many Japanese folks are pissed off about this? Hell, I'm Chinese and I think it's a travesty.

Now that I got that off my chest, I'm going to go finish up my calculus puzzles, play my violin (heh, I actually do play that), cook up my dog for dinner, and well, just perpetuate as many Asian stereotypes as I can.

In Case You Live on Another Planet...

Oprah finally tells off Frey... Okay, fine, he lied. I haven't read the book. I really am not interested in reading about the drugs and the drugs and the rehab and the drugs and the root canals. I have read a lot of the banter (if that's what you would call it) on whether he was a fake and what parts of the book are fake blablabla.

But seriously big O, if you knew it was an embellished memoir, would you still have read it? Probably. I guess everyone was SO taken that it was REAL and that that they thought he was some kind of hero or something? I think she is pissed because she recommended it and now her book club is going to lose money - god forbid. Like she doesn't have ENOUGH already.

Here's what I wonder? Do people really think that all memoirs are not embellished? Like WHO REALLY can write an entire book on their LIFE without adding a little bit here or there? Can they not call it a memoir then, if it's pretty much based on their life? I've had one hell of a ride already and I have only gotten about 12 pages! AND, if you write made-up stories or even embellish ones that happened, sometimes it's like they REALLY DID happen to you. I think there's a psych disorder for that ... Bullshitteritis, perhaps?

Oh, and in other, more titillating news (for us non-readers LOL) ... I'm sad to report that Josie Bissett (AKA Jane) and Rob Estes (AKA Dr. Michael Mancini <-- they said this in the article but that's not right -- that was Jane's first crazy husband... Estes didn't come in until later - someone help me out here with his character name otherwise it will drive me CRAZY) are calling it quits - after 13 years... They probably only lasted that long because 1) They lived OUTSIDE of Hollywood AND 2) Between the two of them, they have only done ONE Lifetime movie and ONE failed pilot. Either way, I'm sad to see them split. They were still keeping my "MelrosePlaceisRealandJakeisTakingmeoutfordrinkstonight" dream alive *sniff.* Bastards.

You Wanna a Piece of Me?

Well, maybe not of me, but it seems that someone was willing buy a piece of William Shatner. Don't worry. Cap'n Kirk will still be blessing us with his highly overrated acting presence on BL and those Priceline commercials. It was a kidney stone. Yep. Someone paid $25,000 for one of his kidney stones. In fact, someone offered him $15,000, but WS told them that his ST outfits got him over $100,000 so his kidney stone was worth WAY more than that. I don't think anyone really believed him. I mean, dude, you can't WEAR your kidney stone (I hope), or fulfill your wife's ST fantasies in a kidney stone. HELLOOOO...

Then, he tried to rationalize it off because, well, the money went to charity. And now, some poor idiot is living in a house that was built from money paid for a kidney stone. Yep. The House that the Kidney Stone Built. There's a proud moment in charity history for you. I'm not sure which part is more messed up. That he sold it or that someone bought it. Either way, ick. Maybe I should start saving my waxed off eyebrows. You never know what I could get money for when I become famous. All for charity, of course.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Say it Ain't So...

Well kids, it seems that Angelina is going to be a mom again. This time to her own child with Brad Pitt. Now, look, I've never really been this huge fan of Angie, Brad, or Jen for that matter, but I do believe that Jen got the SHIT end of the stick. Seems to me he liked Jen when she was a quiet sitcom star (still making tons o' cash) and he was the BIG MOVIE STAR. But then, she started to do movies (not the greatest in the world, but hey, they are better than mine...), and well, he dumped her quick. And I know everyone thinks he's SO HOT. Well, fine, but maybe she just didn't want to have his baby. Maybe, she figured out that he had a wandering eye now that he's almost middle aged (it's true, kids) and didn't want to get in too deep. Poor Jen - I'm sure her eyes are rolled back far in her head - with disgust that is...

And as for crazy Ihave27tattoosinswahiliiliketodrinkbloodandsmoochmybro Angelina...Cripes, her huge tattoos are going to be even huger with a big preggo belly (my rationale for never getting ink anywhere near my stomach area)... Yes, even as a young fledgling rebel, I planned ahead.

Anyhoo... what is this world coming to? Well, I hope Mr. and Mrs. Smith think LONG and HARD before calling it quits - now that they'll have three kids and all (how about a COLD SHOWER welcome to fatherhood for Brad, eh?). When it rains, it pours, doesn't it ole Brad...

Oh and Brad, PS: Don't think just because she has your name tattooed on her ASS she'll never leave you... What do you think all those other tattoos say, my friend?

Another One Bites the Dust: Marriage That Is...

I am shocked and chagrin that Hillary and Chad have decided to call it quits. I mean, it makes absolutely no sense. She, a former Karate Kid protege/90210 Single Mom (pretty good memory eh) turned 2 time oscar winner and He, brother of Rob Lowe (aka I like young girls and I think no one remembers boy) and a consummate guest star on Law and Order: SVU and some crappy Lifetime movie. That's a fucking match made in heaven.

I Hate To Disappoint...

But I'm actually headed back to work today, so I believe there will be significantly less posts. I haven't left the house alone for anything other than running to the grocery store since we've been back from the North.  Yes, I know many of you are surprised. While I do run a business from my home (which includes mothering of all sorts), I do still work a little outside the home. A girl needs to have her own money too these days.  And I got the babysitter extra long today so I can run errands with ease and hit the gym.

A quick thanks to Q for waking me up at 5:30am this morning. Phew... I hadn't set my alarm and I was afraid I might have slept in *note sarcasm*

And finally, I have decided that Mondays need yet another hollywood hottie. Particularly another nerd turned hottie. Sorry, Hils, but JG was TOTALLY a NERD. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of Grey's Anatomy last night. Not bad. But Patrick Dempsey is YUMMO. I know he's old, but shit, he's looking good. And finally, a show where the GUYS (what's that black guy's name, anyway, he's pretty damn cute too) are HOTTTTEERR than the girls. So, welcome, officially to: PATRICK DEMPSEY MONDAYS. It might possibly be the best day of the week.

I've Had Enough...

Okay. I am officially putting my huge, stinky, water-ski like foot DOWN (hey, I'm tall). After reading (I can't find the damn link now) about how Lindsay Lohan had has an eating disorder and tried drugs a drug problem, I decided it's time for me to SPEAK OUT.

Did ya think we were all IDIOTS? Did ya think we couldn't figure out that when you weight 70lbs and your arms look like two hairy chopsticks that you MIGHT have a problem? I don't care how much you RUN around and WORK out - blablabla - you don't drop that much weight. Generally speaking, you need to eliminate FOOD from your diet (and perhaps munch on some METH) to achieve that amount of weight loss.

I'm so sick and annoyed with these hollywood babies (cuz that's what they are) running around in almost nothing, wearing a size -1, and having the nerve to tell all of America that they are just "BUSY." I don't care HOW many designers, reporters, gossipers, etc. LOVE your new body, YOU (or your mom, publicist, SOMEONE) has the responsibility to tell you that IT DOESN'T LOOK HEALTHY. BUT, no. Since we are so obsessed with skinny women in this country, we tell her she looks good, great, fabulous... And so, she decides that she doesn't need food and therefore collapses TWICE and needs hospitalization.

Then, all our girls think that's the way to live - and all our men get used to seeing SKINNNNNYYY women and equate that with being hot and sexy - therefore continuing the cycle of MADNESS. The starvation, massive drug use continues, and we are left with shells of women that have lifelong obsessions with their weight and food. That is NOT a way to live; that is not a way for our daughters to live. When are we women going to get a VOICE (other than the Dove commercials and ads) and do something about this SHIT?

I've done my share of crash diets, over-exercise, and daily obsession with weight and I've decided (as I stare at my 18 month old on a daily basis) that I need to STOP. Stop with the "I'm feeling fat" and the "My ass is so big." I need to just eat and exercise to live - oh, and hope these extra 15lbs I'm carrying fall off on their own. TOUCHE'

Preggo Police

Yup - that's me. I'm obsessed with seeing hollywood princesses PREGGO. It's not because I LONG to be pregnant post-miscarriage trauma, but seriously, I just like to see what they look like. I've been doing this for awhile now. I spend long minutes (not hours, really) perusing various webpages (most of which will probably cause my computer some type of viral damage) trying to find pictures of pregnant famous folks. My most recent find was Katie Holmes, who, is probably about 6 months pregnant and sans belly and total "I'maskinnybitchsomybellybuttonisnowanoutie" looks ridiculously skinny. This pic is most recent (January 4, 2006). YUP SHE'S PREGNANT. I'll save my "Tomcruiseisatotalcontrollingfatherfigurebastardwhohastakenoverthelifeofonesemi-innocentseeminglynicegirl" RANT for later.

I mean c'mon girls. I POAS (peeonastick), get a ++, and I gain 10lbs INSTANTLY. I want to see some big ladies - like Kate Hudson (+70lbs), Jenn Garner (not sure, but looked HEALTHY at the end there), and Leah Remini (still trying to lose the weight). Granted, I know it's hollywood and they are ALL doing yoga while still giving birth, and have chefs making PERFECT meals for them WHILE they are preggo, but still.

So, my search continues. Perhaps ONE day we will all realize (both cognitively and emotionally) that hollywood is NOT reality and we'll all stop trying to live our lives based on them. BUT, until then, may god bless me with THOSE looks when I'm pregnant again. AMEN.

Double Standards, Part One

I got the whole notion for this blog after watching the King Kong trailer. You see Kong jumping around and then it cuts to Adrien Brody and Naomi Watts sharing a passionate kiss. I quickly change the channel and roll my eyes in disgust. Why you ask? Well, let's just say I truly believe the ONLY in this Male-Dominated Society would we see images like that.

C'mon, I know Adrien is a great actor - but let's examine him a bit more closely. I mean, he is seriously one of the ugliest dudes (aside from Ric Ocasek)  I've seen in a long time. Granted, he makes WAY more money than I do - but still, it's entirely unbelievable that he would be making out with Naomi Watts - regardless of his penis size.

I know it's a movie - but let's look at real life... You've got Paulina Porizikova and Ric Ocasek, Iman and David Bowie, Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson - if you need more. Watch VH-1. They did a WHOLE show on it.

I'm so sick of hearing how women are attracted to "personality" as opposed to looks - whereas men - the hunter/gatherers *barf* are more attracted to looks - you know the big boobies, thin waist, wide hips for good reproduction crap.

I have NEVER been attracted to an ugly man - I would say that overall, the men I've dated have been reasonably attractive - meaning, I'm not the only one that found them attractive. I'm not trying to brag here, but I'm saying that some, more than others, have been lookers. Granted, I'm not as picky about the pecks and biceps (though they are a plus) - but physical attractiveness is key!

Based on my experience, I cannot explain the phenomenon in Hollywood - I mean, I can see ugly famous guys getting laid by groupies - or women swooning for a guy with a sexy voice - but seriously, I refuse to believe that truly overrides appearance.

And, on the flip side, when do you see an ugly girl with a hot guy - in Hollywood or anywhere for that matter. I thought of ONE movie - "Circle of Friends" with a fat Minnie Driver (which is hilarious when they try to make "hot" girls ugly - they never are really ugly...) - oh, and Hugh Jackman and his wife (hello, what is going on there?) But, in a way, it's nice to see. A reasonably hot guy with a regular gal. Who would have thunk it?

Another One Bites the Dust

The formerly reasonably hot Matt Damon - (I think the Talented Mr. Ripley hurt him in the hot dept - but then he redeemed himself in the Bourne movies), now just moderately attractive (in my book - I'll get to my top ten males one of these days) is now OFF the market. I'll give this one about 3 years - seems to be the going number these days. I would give it 2, but she's NOT an actress.

Okay - back to knitting...

Celebridiculousness

It's getting out of hands, folks. Our regular neighborhood BI-POLAR won't get the time of day, but we read (that includes me), listen, and nod at all the fucking hollywood CRAZINESS that goes on. If you are TOTALLY out of the loop (or really DON'T give a shit), let me fill you in. Let me preface this by saying that I am somewhat of a hollywood junkie. I can name pretty much any movie star and tell you what they have been in. I shamelessly visit Eonline to check on the latest fashion hits and misses. AND, I take a little joy and amusement in the ups and downs of celebrity relationships. Hey, I don't watch soap operas, so give me a break.

First, it's seems that Mr. Cruise is getting reprimanded by the American College of Radiography for foolishly purchasing and using (with absolutely NO training) his "at-home" aka "I'macontrolfreak" sonagram. I figured since he is so busy trying to view his baby, I'd give them some help with baby names. Carnival Cruise, Alaska Cruise, Booze Cruise <--my personal favorite, Sherlock Holmes Cruise... Like she'd get any part of her name on this baby. Yeah right.

Moving on, it seems that Brangelina is moving forward in their relationship. Brad has decided to adopt her kids. I mean seriously? The way relationships last, he's going to adopt the kids? Slightly selfish, I think. Don't get me wrong - if I was a lesbian, I'd pick Angelina over Jenn anyday - for A FLING mind you. I wouldn't be adopting the kiddos. Get a grip, Brad. She wore a vile of Billy Bob's blood around her neck... HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And finally (for now), I am sad to report that (SHOCKER) Nick and Jessica have broken up. I won't even post the link because I'm SO sick of their crazy shit. They make their MILLIONS on their marriage and then they break up. Can I say "never real all along?" I say everyone who was stupid enough to buy their DVD get their money back... Her supposed "pastor" father has now marketed her as a "mycupflowethover" sex symbol who farts, burps and is supposedly STUPID. More like she's a total spoiled lazy ass who has no grip on reality. Stop moving your jaw around when you sing - keep the damn mic in FRONT of your huge toothy mouth when you sing and PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON. God, she fucking RUINED "These boots are made for walking..." Poor Willie Nelson - $100 says she didn't even know who the hell he was before her movie debut.

Bitter, you say? No, my friends - just slightly sick on the daily INUNDATION of STUPIDITY we must endure.

Moms Against Tom Cruise

I admit it. I thought the love scene between Tom and Kelly McGillis (WTH happened to her?) in Top Gun was hot. And honestly, that was the extent of my infatuation with Tom Cruise. Seriously, he's a mediocre actor (picks good movies, I'll give him that).

He didn't start ticking me off until he and Nic Kidman got divorced. She was pregnant at the time and miscarried. I felt that she had given him her all (based on the few movies she had made during their marriage) and had stayed in the background. I always find it interesting when stars (just stars) adopt and don't have their own kids - vanity, perhaps, but I felt in this case, there was other motivations on his part. NB: I'm not against adoption at all. So don't get all fired up about this. Anyhoo, It's obvious Tom needs attention to function (like his vitamins and exercise).

Then came the whole Brooke Shields dileo. She has a lackluster career - she didn't need drugs, just vitamins and exercise for SEVERE post-pardum depression in which she had thoughts of killing her child. Now that makes sense, Tom and btw the vitamins and exercise ain't working so well for your DELUSIONS.

  Thus followed the whole I'm in LOVE in Katie Holmes. The one who "dreamed about marrying Tom as a young girl" (wait she STILL IS A YOUNG GIRL). Kissing and making out EVERYWHERE. Now she's pregnant (hope SHE doesn't have PPD, right?), converting to Scientology, and dropping her whole management team for Tom's crew. Do I smell CULT? Visit here to assist in the cause: http://www.freekatie.net/

Wait, there's more. Do you remember the Oprah fiasco?  C'mon O - where's all the poignant questions and straight talk for crazy Tom? I mean, he's jumping on the couch, dragging his girlfriend out of the green room, and all you can do is laugh? Go here for more pics of the dreaded in interview: http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/gossip/tom-cruise/intensity-photoblogging-tom-cruise-on-oprah-104673.php

By far, my favorite had to be the Matt Lauer interview. I usually loathe Matt Lauer, BUT he finally came through for me. Someone who refused to BOW to the TOM. Read the transcript here: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8343367/#storyContinued.  He knows the history of psychiatry folks. Psychiatry is a pseudo-science... Bla bla bla. Look, I'm the first one to admit the field of psychiatry has its downfalls, including countless cases of overmedicating where therapy and other treatments would be more appropriate. BUT, to discount the whole diagnosis of PPD is LUNACY. Women are throwing themselves in front of cars, off bridges, and killing their children (need I list the countless cases) and it's not because they are BAD people. If you have ever had a baby (or even a PERIOD) you know what HORMONES can do.

So, here we are today: Tom Monitors the Fetus with his OWN sonagram machine http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/va/20051125/113293655000.html

Other than the fact that he is ONCE again showing his CONTROLING personality, he has obviously NOT done the research on sonagrams. What he would find is that there is NO conclusive evidence that shows that repeated sonagrams are safe and unharmful for the baby. They can't say they do damage, but at the same time, they can't say they are 100% safe. Even your own sonagram tech will tell you that. So, I guess Tom only knows the History of Psychiatry and NOTHING about anything else.

I wish NO ill will on Tom and Katie. I don't have a Tom voo-doo doll or anything like that. I do refuse to watch his movies anymore and in some way, I hope his career and appeal cease. Not because I truly hate him, but I hate the idea of a person with such high visibility not using his position for GOOD. Women have suppressed their PPD for YEARS - mainly because we are told it should be a happy, joyous time. We don't need more women jumping off bridges or drowning their babies. So, Tom, take your vitamins and exercise and SHOVE them UP your ass, and while you are at it - you might want to take something for your disease - CMF (aka crazymuthafucka).