Motherhood Uncensored

One Thing's For Certain, Matt Lauer is Definitely Not Here

If you missed the segment, you can watch it here! And read our interviewer, Janet Shamlian's, blog entry. She rocks! Off to enjoy birthday fun with the kids.

Updated for like the 3rd time: Okay. The word is that we're on at the top of, the 10am EST with Heather on at 10:30am talking to Kathie Lee of all people. If that's not worth watching, I don't know what is.

Set your tivos, people. The Today Show segment I shot last month is set to run tomorrow morning -- May 7 -- (unless Miley Cyrus decides to show her naked back or something MAJOR BIG TIME like that). I have no idea when it's on during the show nor am I sure why I'm telling everyone (except because I'm an ambivalent media whore), but I'll update on Twitter and here tomorrow.

It just so happens to be airing on my 32nd birthday. Let's hope that's a good omen!

I Left My Fart in San Francisco

*The archives are live if you want to watch!*

I'm pregnant. So sue me.

After struggling through the day with a son who just decided to have separation anxiety (read: total and utter hate for my sweet and lovely mother), a neighbor I didn't even know drove me to the airport and I was off to San Francisco.

In first class.

Now know this. Even though the huz works for the airlines, we have never been placed in first class. EVER. Of course, anyone we give a buddy pass to does. But us, never.

Until now. When I'm pregnant. And can only sniff the vodka tonic of my seat mate.

But hey. I got to cry my way through Juno, while eating a turkey focacia sandwich. And I got to stretch my long pregnant legs out and snooze.

So, we're here, and apparently we're going to be on View From the Bay this afternoon which you can watch live on your television in you live in the Bay area, but you can also watch us live via web stream (or via the archives if you're busy) from 3-4pm PST. I have no idea when in that hour we'll be on, but for a solid seven minutes, we will be showing off our favorite Mother's Day gifts from Cool Mom Picks (many of which are made by moms!).

I'll be the tall pregnant one in black. Hopefully not farting.

[ps. If you're looking for the genius water and sand table, it's the cool Target outdoor toy brand (don't know the name). $39.95]

Russian Roulette of Parenting: Where the Odds are Never In Your Favor

Place your bets! Share your own! Spin the wheel of "Yeah, You're Probably Fucked!"

How long can my son run diaperless before he pees on my favorite shoe?

How long can I stay out before my son falls asleep on the way home and turns his usual 2 hour nap into a 20-minute "haha sucker" nap?

How long can I have an adult phone conversation before being interrupted by a crying little person?

Can I go into the store without an extra diaper and wipes?

if i-obsess lildb took over my blog. except her hair is way cuter. and she does nails.

so i have this complex that i discovered around 11pm last night when i was feeling totally super! like normal! which these days makes me feel like i have super powers. i bet i could pee standing up after 5pm (the hour from whence on i feel like a non-disgusting terrible horrible very bad baby vessel) and i wanted to write a post, like this, sort of like an email i sent to my bff, that had no caps, and made really no sense at all, but most certainly was not "A HUMOROUS ESSAY ON MOTHERHOOD" because now i feel like if people come here and they see a post with no caps and weird random thoughts, they'll think she's trying to be jennster "oh why do people read her all the time? i can write better than that!" which at this point in time is probably true.

but then i figured it's my blog. so fuck it.

i am currently suffering from the worst fucking migraines ever in this universe. yesterday i lasted from about 11am until 2pm, where i ended up screaming back at my daughter after she rightfully told her bawling, weepish, pathetic mother to go away. this following a comment i had just made on mir's blogher post about how terribly bad spanking is.

because screaming "YOU GO AWAY" at your three-year-old who i just told to go to her room so she can't go anywhere is um, any better.

and the best part is that then i was screaming at her to stop crying because "I'M NOT MAD AT YOU I'M JUST IN PAIN SO STOP CRYING." makes total sense. 

and then i want to vomit from guilt.

so after two tylenol, my headache is gone. but the nausea is back. and i force feed myself because "HEADACHES CAN BE CAUSED BY LOW BLOOD SUGAR AND DEHYDRATION."

try "TINY HATHOR-FETUS THAT HAS DECIDED TO TORTURE ME"

(apparently that doesn't lead me to anything good on Google though, except, well now my blog)

and then 5pm rolls around and i'm free. i'm like an anti-sundowner. i can dance. i can stand on my head. i can eat disgusting papa john's pepperoni pizza and watch michael clayton like i never just spent the entire day bowled over in pain, screaming at my children, and drinking coca cola like a 15 year old.

so if this isn't motherhood, people. then damnit. i just don't know what is.

hopefully i will be back this afternoon with a picture of hathor-fetus alive and giving me the finger. and this blog will return to its rightful owner.

---

Oh and DUH. Daddy vacuums. Daddy gets a blow job. I was saying that ages ago.

--

If not Hillary, Then WHO? (Apparently Hathor-fetus has made me politically punchy)

See I couldn't even go a whole post without caps. Sigh.

Since I Have No Use For My Aching Head, I Decided to Throw it to the Obama Wolves

Come enjoy the carnage, or better, where I go out on a limb and share my honest trepidation about Barack Obama.

Blogger is being an asshat today. So if you can't comment at PunditMom's place, feel free to hop back over here and leave your thoughts!

Okay. So this is really why I went to back into the fire.

Forget the yummy babies (helloooo Deb makes cute shirts). Look at that ass!

What you missed:

A bunch of posts about my in-laws.

Vaccines -- Political Issue?

Shocker of the Week: Breastfeeding mom asked to leave NY State Museum (Seriously, when did NY start to hate on boobies?).

Pick of the Week: Can you believe that these are back?

Blog Blast Today: Violin or Microscope. Which will it be? (and a great resource for parents)

Did you enter my Julian & Co. Giveaway yet? Hellloooooo.

And in a totally unrelated note, what is with this new movie 10,000 BC? I mean, were there actually people back then? And if so, I'm betting they didn't have much to say, at least that I would understand. I suppose that's the perfect movie to make during a writer's strike (heh).  

The House of Puke and Snot

I'm emerging from under my children's snots, coughs, and pukes and meals of gatorade and toast to tell you that the Blog Exchange is today. If you don't participate, then you should. It's fun.

Is there anything you can give a 12 month old [edited] with a cough, other than your guilt and sincerest apologies?

Here's to the Good Old Twig and Berries

Here are my totally gender stereotypical and extensively researched conclusions about rearing boys:

- They like to play with balls. And bouncy rubber ones.

- They are easily entertained.

- The bigger the better.

- Aim it down. And take cover.

- They'll make you one of those moms, if you're not one already.

We're showering Julie today. Impart your boy-rearing wisdom upon her (on your own blog) today, slap a button up, and send us the link and we'll enter you in a little shower prize drawing. Plus we've got one hell of a downloadable boy-centric music list going.   

You Know What I Miss? Those Things Called TV Shows.

One very tedious flip through my limited television channels confirmed what I already knew.

Arkansas is very religious. And there is nothing on television.

I can actually flip through my 50 some odd channels at any given hour of the day and find absolutely not one thing worth stopping to look at.

Of course, there's the woman crawling on the floor commanding the audience to think "low" before she chooses an already predetermined suitcase with a figure that cannot be changed.

And then you can watch a bunch of poor souls attempt to yelp howl gag sing and dance at the same time so they can be put on teams where they will, each week, attempt to do the same thing, except in a group.

And best of all, you can enjoy a bunch of reject Mr. Olympias decked out in silver spandex leotards throwing large swinging boulders at a bunch of reject athletes. Hello. Whose brilliant idea was it to bring American Gladiators back?

A pox on them.

Seriously people. I cannot spend another night purposely watching "I Love New York 2 Reunion" and feel good about myself as a person.  

The Obligatory Pre-Christmas Here's Some Links and Free Stuff Post

Congrats Becsbunch and Brenna J. You are the winners according to random.org. Please email me your addresses!

Okay, so I have a couple of cool things to mention and give away and there's just no other way for me to post about them.

How's that for full disclosure?

But rest assured that there's none of this "wow what a really cool iron" kind of crap. Santa does not bring good blogging moms irons.

First off, have you tried the Starbucks Mud Pies? Don't blame me if they send you to Coffee Ice Cream Bar rehab because holy shit.

Yum.

May they please read my blog and send me a year's supply.

Moving on.

So for dad (or both of you, really), snatch up this cool deal: Get a FREE 80-hour TiVo® Series2™ Dual Tuner DVR (a $249 value) when you sign up for a TiVo service plan for only $12.95 per month, or choose one to three years and save even more!  TiVo will donate $25 to support the National Council of Women's Organizations (YWCA, Planned Parenthood, etc.) for each individual who takes advantage of the offer.

So, you're getting a TiVo plus service AND you're helping a really great organization that could use the cash. Click here for more info.

I've never actually used a TiVo, but I'm betting it will save me from staying up really late to watch my favorite shows. And then I can watch my Bravo shows on replay whenever I want. Oh wait, they already play them 14 times a week anyway.

If you're cheap, screw the TiVo and buy a Mominatrix shirt. There. How's that? 

And for your princess loving daughter, check out FLOR. Now, I had never heard of FLOR, but I apparently am the only one on this universe who has not heard of them. But they create brilliant and simple to "assemble" carpet tiles so you can change up your house without having to do the whole wall to wall thing.

So new this year are their Disney carpets which I had to snatch up and give away to you readers since we have definitely commiserated a few times this year about our ambivalence about the whole Disney princess thing. So, if you want to win a Princess Disney carpet (I've got two to giveaway to two random readers at a $100 value each!), you need to drop me an email with the following information:

a) The names of both of my kids

b) The Disney princess you are most like and why. (heh)

*Make sure you put FLOR in the subject header please*

If you don't know the names of my kids then you should be able to find them by easily perusing my archives (or The Mom Trap) and if you've been reading my blog, then you should know them without doing that. All this does is ensure (at one level or another) that my actual readers will have a good chance at winning. Prize hungry passers by are always welcome, but you know, you gotta work.

Nuff said.

You've got until Midnight PST to win! Only USA and Canada -- see my About page for my "rules." Oh, and check out DesignMom on my radio show tonight. WOO!

The Topside[r] of Disaster

When exactly did we start taking our fashion cues from boat enthusiasts? I suppose if we all lived in Water World it would make sense. But then I would just live in a pair of flippers, because quite frankly I think they are actually more attractive than the new popular shoe of choice.

Sperry Topsiders.

Have you seen this madness?

I noticed them on a few errant teenage girls, but just chalked it up to the South (like every other questionable fashion blunder choice I encounter around here) and went on my way. But when I recently visited every 14-year-old's favorite shop "Journeys" (thanks to my three-year-old who couldn't take her eyes off the pink Vans) and saw the shelves stacked with them, my worst fear was confirmed.

They are "in." Or wait, is it "back in?"

Either way, it's pretty fucking scary.

Far be it from me to judge what has got to be extremely comfortable footwear. I mean, if almost every single 65 year old man in my family owns a pair and my heinously unfashionable dad lived in them, they've got to be light on the tootsies -- especially for quickly maneuvering from the bow to the stern of your yacht.

Exactly what young 16-somethings are looking for in a shoe.

But clearly if we're all looking to AARP instead of Bazaar for style hints, then why not go for shiny cordovan loafers with tassels? I mean those are at least barely attractive and somewhat flattering on old greasy men. But topsiders, docksiders or "boat shoes," as my dad called them, have absolutely no aesthetic appeal whatsoever.

None. Nada. 

But wait you say, what about pink? or better purple? Oh right, because a purple shapeless leather boat shoe with annoying leather laces that never stay tied is soooo much better. I might as well just go buy a pair of purple crocs. At least those were not popularized by the senior citizens of America.

An no offense to the great-grandparents of this world, but what's next? Reading glasses? Applique sweaters? Depends?

The next thing we know, these damn shoes will be back in style and our kids will be begging us to drag them out of the deep recesses of our closets.

Not that anyone I know *cough* owned a pair.   

I'm Sure I'll Be Paying For This One When She's 16

My worst beauty blunder (ala curling iron and aquanet) relived most graciously by Quinlan. What's yours?

There is Absolutely No Photographic Evidence That I Was Dressed Up Like Cinderella for Halloween

Terror-plotting glue makes good fake dwarf belts.

Look! It's Sneezy and Grumpy. (Adorable hat by Eco Knits!)

Seriously people. I've done better at a Ruby Tuesday on a Thursday night. This is NOT Halloween candy.

--

The Blog Exchange is today -- what a great way to kick off NaBloPoMo (or what my feed reader is calling "NaYouCanAllGoBloMe").

Sorry. I'm Busy Trying to Figure Out How to Sew a Dwarf Costume Without Actually Knowing How to Sew

Perhaps you should go get a few costumes *ahem* of your own.

Did you take my survey yet? So far I've learned that my readers like my writing and are old (ha, just kidding).

I'm spouting out advice on baby shoes (and giving away some free ones, well sort of).

If you've got something to say about sneaking veggies into your kids food (or have a better alternative -- you know, like broccoli topped ice cream sundaes), then check this out. There are prizes to be had.

The Toxin Avengers need your help spreading the word about the toy recalls. Did you know that they've recalled bibs and Baby Einstein blocks (not just poor Dora is poisonous!)?

WTF is up with all these spam emails about e-cards? Oy.

Now back to sewing (if that's what you want to call it).

Okay. I'm Pissed.

Damn damn damn damn damn.

I Interrupt These Old Posts And Prize Winning for Something of Massive Importance

If Casey doesn't win Top Chef tonight I will be very pissed off.

That is all.

Okay. Back to commenting for HP photo books.

Reader Appreciation Week: Win Good Shit

If there's anyone that I should thank for getting me through these long years months. You're mostly kind words and generally thoughtful comments have really helped.

Except for a few wayward Googlers who like to tell me where to shove it.

Yeah yeah. Mississippi is SOOOOO great. Whatever.

And so, I'm not leaving people (it was the duck -- I know, I'm VERY sneaky!), I'm just putting my friendly PR pitch people to work this week and offering some kick ass prizes all week long. Read some vintage Motherhood Uncensored and win prizes that relate to the posts. And no, I'm not talking an ass smack from my father-in-law.

I'm talking good stuff.

I promise.

Come back starting tomorrow, leave a comment by Midnight PST (one per person per day please), and I'll pick winner(s) at random every day through Friday where the Mominatrix will return with sex-related prizes, a new column, and a radio show -- with the Queen of Orgasms, Lou Paget. (I'm not kidding. If you have questions, she is the woman who knows. Email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. We will keep your identity private).

Enjoy readers. YOU ROCK!

Even the Trashmen Won't Take Them

   

I Interrupt This Mommy Blog For a Post on an Issue of Massive Importance to All People

What the fuck is going on with Paula Abdul?

Mother-in-Crocs or Crocs-in-Law?

If this wasn't indication enough that Crocs should be banned from this universe, look what I found when I came home the other day:

No they're not mine, silly. How shall I refer to them? Mother-in-Frocs? Frocs-in-law? Either way, they are so ugly I wouldn't even kill a bug with them. 

Thanks to your votes, my feet shall remain crocless. And really, yours should too. Because any shoe that meets the following criteria should never see the sole of your foot:

1) Has a kid's version and is only cute on them

2) Is ugly but soooooooooooooo comfortable

3) Won't ever see the light of day because you're embarrassed to wear them outside of your *finger quotes* garden *finger quotes.*

4) Is owned by my mother-in-law

And so to offer assistance to those of you who just can't say no, I'm starting a Croc Exchange. No one will ever say I never give back, damnit.

Send me your crocs or frocs or better, your frocs-in-law and I'll send you or your child a limited edition Fadiddle Keep the Duck shirt (or another cool fantastic adult-oriented one that I promise you will love that you can email me about and I will tell you and you'll ship your croc-o-shits faster than you could accidentally steal a duck).

And I will put them to good use, take pictures, and link your blog.

Good pictures. With cute small children, dogs, and barbies (don't ask. just send me your crocs and you'll see). And then Gunfighter will blast them to pieces with a shotgun. How HOT is that?

Who's going to be first? Seriously. C'mon.

Crocs of Shit

I think the downfall of this country is arguably not violence on television, or what exactly high fructose corn syrup is doing to our brains, but really, what the hell people see in these shoes:

You think foreigners believe we're snobby or mannerless and that's why they turn their nose down at us? Um, no. It's because they can't believe we're walking around with those clodhoppers on our feet.

Sorry. Even the Ballet Flats scare me.

I imagine at one point in time, someone, somewhere said the same thing about flip flops. "You put WHAT between your toes? And you're calling them WHAT? Because they make that sound?"

Well, let me be the one to say the same thing about Crocs.

I know. They're incredibly comfortable! They don't slide off! They're "garden chic!"

And if you get stranded on a desert island, a passing airplane will be able to see those ridiculously large, floppy orange shoes on your feet!

I'll take two pairs. You can never be too prepared.

"But you won't fall off your boat" they tout on the website.

Thanks. I was really worried about that. I think I'll just risk slipping on my totally non-existent BOAT. Oh, that's why all of America is wearing them. They all have boats and I don't. Bastards!

And not only will you not slip on your boat, they'll keep you married! (Seriously, go read the website. Their marketing tactics are fascinating). Yes. Because no one else will want to have sex with you if you walk around with those large clunkers on your feet.

And while I find the fact that they resist bacteria somewhat interesting, when did that become a criteria for a good pair of shoes? And is it really that the material resists germs or that you just scare the shit out of bugs when you clop around in their direction?

I've tried to figure out the appeal. Maybe it's because I have gigantic (and as you remember from all lovely commenters -- very sexy) feet and calling attention to them -- sort of like wearing a big sign on my ass that says "Hi. I'm HUGE. In case you didn't notice" would not be my smartest fashion move.

Don't go getting all pissed at me. I'm wearing a breastmilk stained nursing bra and I haven't shaved my pits in two days. It's not like I'm the epitome of fashion here at Casa de Inlaws. Perhaps a pair of crocs might just be the pick me up my sorry post-partum wardrobe needs.

But I'm not the only one who hates Crocs, or thinks they are incredibly dangerous. Okay, I didn't really think they were dangerous but apparently they are. Who knew?. In fact, there are whole organizations that exist to rid the world of the evil that is Crocs.

Here's my new moral compass: What would I do with them if they accidentally fell in the back of my stroller?

I'd return them immediately.

And you thought me devoid of a conscience.

--

So, how do you feel about crocs? If you love them, tell me why. If more people LOVE them vs. HATE them, then I will go and steal myself a pair and wear them at Blogher. Okay. I'll actually buy them. But I will do it. So, vote carefully people.

And congrats Vicky. You won a shirt for your wee one. Email me for the details!

My Life of Crime: A Photographic Expose'

There's nothing like an accidentally stolen duck to make you realize a few things -- namely that there are a lot of goody goodies incredibly honest and moral people in this world, and apparently I am not one of them.

I suppose I had gotten away with my thievery for way too long. But before you judge me, just note that I'm an extremely devoted babywearer. At least I don't neglect my kids while I'm pillaging the malls and countrysides.

I steal food out of the pantry. Don't worry, I covered his eyes.

And yes. If I see a penny. I just can't help myself. I have to pick it up. And I don't try to find the owner. 

And sadly. I have been known to even steal candy from a baby.

But then I had a thought. What if Mr. Ducky flung himself into the basket of my stroller to save himself -- to give himself a better life? What if he didn't want to be bought into slavery at the hands of a tiny drooly baby?

And so, being the humanist former vegetarian animal lover that I am, I offered Mr. Duck (who prefers to remain anonymous due to what could be seen as his defection from the masses of shelved plush toys) a life that he would have never had if he had actually been purchased.

Usually the geese are in charge of the remote. Well, not in this house.

I don't do this for anyone. Only refugee ducks.

 

Even ducks like to party hard.

And so, you see that Mr. Duck is enjoying his new life in our home, away from the flourescent lights and weird perfumes named after things dogs pee on.

So was it wrong to allow him to stay so long? Should I send him back to the busy shelves where he must sell his soul to survive? Put your money where your mouth is or at least, put a little old button up. Are you a suburbran stroller bandit? An ethical moralist? A hungry omnivore with a taste for small poultry who could give two shits about this whole debacle?

Or should we send Mr. Duck back into the world. Free bird, if you will?

While we certainly can't be bought (or stolen), I'm willing to negotiate deals for special appearances with Mr. Duck.

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/keeptheduck.jpg"></a>

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/returntheduck.jpg"></a>

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/eattheduck.jpg"></a>

Thanks Julie!

 

The littlest new girl has finally arrived!

And if you actually purchase a shirt or bib, I'll include an autographed breast pad. And I'll put your picture on my blog and link you.

I Was Just Starting to Think My Son Was Acting Like a Real Asshole

And then I figured it out it's just teething.

Phew. I was getting worried there for a minute.

***

In other news, the Blog Exchange is today. Go forth and read.

***

If you sign up for the Cool Mom Picks Newsletter, you could win a BED. For real. A bed and bedding. Go now. We send out one newsletter a month. Oh, and we give stuff away EVERY DAY. Why aren't you reading? (Maybe it's because we don't talk about stealing ducks... more on that tomorrow).

***

Parent Bloggers is giving away a free ticket to Blogher on Friday. You can check out the deets here. And if you don't win. Try Mommy Blogs Toronto (those Canucks make you work hard for your ticket -- but it's all good), and Ask Patty.

***

Have you been to Sk*rt yet? It's a great social bookmarking doodley-doo site for da ladies that rocks the house. You can win prizes by just putting their button on your site. And it's a great way to learn what's hot (because Lord knows I have no idea about that shit) and it's a good way to get traffic to your site. So go register. Seriously. Go.

***

I need a few bloggers for a Parent Bloggers Blog Blast tomorrow -- want some traffic and a little "something else?" Email me.

***

And finally, the New Girl is having her baby today. Well, she's getting induced so we're all pushing (heh) for it to be today. So go over there and send her your well wishes and tell her it's going to be okay. You know something like "Don't worry, your crotch will be just fine. Mine was. Go ask my father-in-law."

Ba-dum-dum. I'll be back tomorrow with more loving.

Please Take a Moment Today to Remember

Amidst the beer and barbeques today, there are thousands of service men and women who have not seen their families in a very long time. And there are some families that will never see their loved ones again. Regardless of what you think about this war, just remember that folks are giving their lives and their time away from their kids and spouses for us.

Check out some really great links, a couple of cool ass military wives, and a way you can make a military kid or our soldiers smile.

And if you're not reading these blogs, you should. My new favorites.

Pet Peeve #17,891

If it's a bad time for you to talk, don't answer your fucking phone.

So Maybe You Have an Ipod...

Pardon my whinings about presentless birthday celebrations. I mean, what's that about? Sorry. Flowers and a carvel ice cream cake (for someone who for the second year in the row has to pretend to like ice cream cake) just doesn't cut it when you're busting your butt daily with a baby and an increasingly demanding toddler.

I write a shopping blog with an entire category called Baubles and Bags. I like every single thing in that category. And considering you're all about reading my blog and googling me, dear, why not google yourself over there AND GO SHOPPING?

Plus, you've been out every day shopping for work clothes. Do they not have anything that you could give your wife that might say "Happy Birthday I did actually think about you and not myself today."?

And ps -- what does this card mean?

[A bunch of lit candles singing "We've been waiting for youuuuu"]

open

[Annoying little buggers, aren't they? Happy Birthday]

Um -- am I missing something? Is there something touchingly romantic or funny about that card?

So, as I continue to whine about my pathetic birthday which, I fear, is only an appetizer to my piss poor mother's day celebration as the only gift my husband will be giving me is his long drive south for the next 6 weeks (ouch), I offer you a few interesting tidbits that have absolutely nothing to do with me wallowing in self pity.

- A cool *Blog Blast (read: Blog carnival sans blog clowns) to be held this Friday, May 11 all day (just post it at some point on Friday). Basically, write a post on this topic "What Makes You a Mother" (is it your lumpy ass, your saggy belly, your big heart, your cute kids, your ability to empathize with a mom?), make sure to link up Parent Bloggers and Light Iris (a new cool website for moms that includes some really cool features that I won't tell you about but they rock) and send the link here. We'll link them all up on Mother's Day, give you a button and LOADS of traffic, and a random poster will win a $100 to Spafinder.

- A fabulous Real Mom Truths contest that YOU must enter. No more complaining about your writing not being read. Rewrite your original entry (takes a minute) or write a new one and enter it. I'm giving away a 4G iPod and some chocolates to the winner (picked by Rebecca and Romi) -- plus a link to your post on True Mom Confessions (hello -- 1 kajillion hits and counting). Click here for info.

- And a few other wonderful contests that deserve your attention. Seriously. Win something. Do it for the presentless wallowers.

So go now.

*For all your blogherads people, these are not pay-per-posts or solicited anything and I'm not getting any $40 + worth of free meat to get people to write posts and link to Parent Bloggers or Light Iris*

What's So Bad About Being Single?

I've often wondered how parenting alone would be.

If I'm Weird, Then What Are You?

From a friendly google passer-by:

"I just got here googling 'my mom's tits.' You're weird, dude."

Um. If I'm weird, than what are you for googling "My Mom's Tits?" I'm pretty sure you don't need google to figure out that they are probably on her body.

In other disturbing news, people have been emailing me with sort of funny and sort of sad google searches with my name that came up in their sitemeter, including "I feel sorry for Kristen Chase" and "Kristen Chase Penis."

Well, thank you for feeling sorry for me. But instead of googling me, why not give me a call or contribute to my moving fund? And nope. Last time I looked, no penis to be found.

But to brighten my day, I was also informed that I'm the #1 search for "Brad Pitt Pubic Hair."

***

Did you visit the baby shower yet?

***

Speaking of super secret parent operatives, have you ever heard of the A.S.S? And I give you my best ever in-law revenge plan.

***

And finally, the Philly bloggers ROCK, particularly my 'burbs mamas who really know how to bowl. Pictures and stories (excuse the bug-eyes, really, I usually save those until at least our fourth meeting) of my first solo sans-baby evening adventure with breast pump in purse and desperate husband calling 7 times with screaming baby to meet cool-ass bloggers coming once I recover from my son's Christening extravaganza and fever (sick babies = crazy mom).

PS. We bought the WHOLE cake this time. Have no idea what I'm talking about? Read through these.

No Soap Required

I urge bloglines, etc. readers to continue on to the bottom.

Dear Liz, Tammie, & Christina:

Soon you will be holding your little offspring in your arms. Amidst the blurry eyes, sore boobs, and mesh disposable underpants, there will be baby gifts, homemade meals, and diapers. Lots of diapers. Just make sure you have enough to get you through at least the first week. No one wants to be running to the store at 3am for more diapers, especially for the two of you with two kids.

You'll be in that weird baby place where day and night are separate only by the color of the sky. And your sleep will be fleeting and light. So make sure you put the baby down and get him/her on a regular schedule. Eat, play, sleep. Repeat. It's important to put the baby down at least once a day for a nap so that s/he doesn't get spoiled. No one likes a spoiled little baby who wants to be held all the time.

Just think of all the exciting adventures ahead of you with a child that you will have sustained from your bosom. I mean, you are going to breastfeed, right? Because we all know breastmilk is God's milk. It hurts and it's frustrating, but what's motherhood without the sacrifice. You want your baby to grow up smart and well nourished.

As your baby grows older, the milestones just pile on top of each other. You won't even remember the few days before -- partially because you're so fucking tired, but also because they grow so fast. So make sure to take lots of pictures and video. And make sure to send them to your relatives so they can keep up as well. And the baby book. I know it's difficult to keep up with but you know what, motherhood isn't easy and sometimes you just have to do things you don't like for the sake of your kids. They'll thank you later when you can tell them exactly when they rolled over.

And finally, just enjoy the fact that you and your partner have created another special wonderful life -- to populate this already crowded world. More mouths to feed, more damage to the ozone, and more reason to celebrate with a fantastic baby shower in your honor.

Love,

Motherhood Uncensored (Assvice Doesn't Come Cheap These Days)

--

You're all invited to the best virtual baby shower ever, chock full of assvice posts, games (fun ones, with pictures of bellies, weird shit, and babies CUTE babies), prizes (seriously, kickass prizes), and a chance to give a little gift to these ladies that fill our computer screens with lots of laughter each and every day. So, why are you still here? GO, write an ass/advice post of your own, and spread the linky love!

Rejected TLC Show #48: The Crotch Makeover Story

Pubic Hair is so 2006.

Here's My Recipe for a Good Friday

One tablespoon of laughter

A few cups of shopping

And "Bunnies Gone Wild: Easter Slutbags," as interpreted by 27 year old blow up Easter decorations. I swear.

Hi. Cool flower. You too. Wanna do it? Okay.

Nice carrot. Heh.

Funny. We're the same exact bunny, but it still doesn't work.

Much better. But you could at least put that damn flower down.

Happy Easter. And my thanks to the cool ROFL moms.

The Next Generation

I speak of blogging like I've been doing it for 10 years -- but it seems like bloggers work in dog years. Almost two years of blogging is like 14 years in real time. And in that time, I'm always amazed that for the most part, we all don't blog about the same topic. Perhaps the sentiment is there, particularly when we all decide to beat up Meredith Viera (for good reason) and the Alterna movement, but for the most part, we talk about the various facets of motherhood with a decent level of originality.

And for something that involves a staggering amount of repetition, that's pretty damn good.

But then someone writes something that resonates with you and reminds you of how you felt when you wrote about the same topic. And why you started your blog. It's clearly not repetition, but more an echoing of the feelings of many mothers that are writing their worlds on a blog.

Regardless of how we got into motherhood and how we're doing with it now, we all realize at one point or another that it's hard, and it's nothing like what we expected. It's gratifying and scary. And everything in between. And we wonder why no one told us it was going to be like this. I mean seriously, if we knew that we were going to have to push that baby out of us, then chances are we could handle knowing about how hard it was really going to be.

So that's why I started my blog -- to tell my story of motherhood. All of it. And apparently, I wasn't alone.

Congrats Jen, on your perfect post, and for telling your story. It's mine, and yours, and all of ours.

And thanks to Dawn, who kindly awarded me my first ever Perfect Post Award. To read it, and the others, visit Lindsay (the best looking post-partum mother of a 10lb + baby) or MommaK.

Dear Weird Men with Big Feet Fetishes Who Left Comments About Foot Jobs on a Mommy Blog:

Ew.

Sincerely,

Motherhood Uncensored

PS. They're big, not huge. There's a difference.

I Do Not Like That Spam I Am

I'm what you call the Spam Sleuth. That's right. I can sniff it out and send it to my spam box before you can say "hott sexxx big pennisss."

Okay. So any fool could be a spam sniffer. With emails from "Alysiz Marquez III" and subjects like "hardd buttox fuckking," I'm pretty sure my mother-in-law, the opener of any and all emails, could spy those. But have you noticed their latest tactics?

They're getting pretty damn good.

The first indication was when I was actually laughing at them in a weird "I'm kind of interested in what you have to say" sort of way.

Subject: "Are you tired of not getting any sex?"

YES. Yes, I am, Joenelson Lanquisas.

Click. 

Sucker. Okay. So the name was still a dead giveaway.

But then I started getting the ones that make you think it's a reply to an email you sent to someone that you might possibly know, even though there's no chance in hell, unless you were on Flavor Flav's show, that you might know these ladies.

Subject: RE: Hi

Oh shit. Did I send an email to Ladonna "Chi-Chi" Celabros?

Click.

Damnit. I should have known better.

So the most recent email that I received is pure genius, so much so that I'm telling you about it.

Subject: Check this out (not spam)

Cool! It's not spam. Spammers don't lie. So it must be cool. I should check it out.

Click.

Sunuvabitch. Totally spam. Those bastards.

And so, I'm afraid of what they'll think of next. Where are they finding these spammers? Princeton? Harvard? Is there a Spam 101 class? A Bachelor's of Spam?

I bet they'll start hiring my friends to spam me.

Oh wait. Some of them already do.

In Real Life I'm an Axe Murderer

Okay no, not really, and I'm hoping none of you are. Or at least, none of you Philly bloggers that I'm going to try to gather for a Philly Mom Blogger Meet Up.

Philly in DA HOUSE! (okay. I should so not ever be saying "DA")

So far I've got some crazy rad Philly moms interested in grabbing a tasty beverage at one of our fine local establishments some evening -- away from the kiddos, laundry piles, and spousal units unless they're fuggin' hot like Nutmeg's and The New Girl's.

Free ties for all my friends!

What say you? We can't let those crazy Canucks show us up -- with their hangover headaches. Oh hells no.

We eat Cheesesteaks and Water Ice. HEAR US ROAR!

If you're in Philly, want to gather, and you're not an axe murderer, then email me. I'll try to figure something out that accommodates us all.

And then we can post lots of fun pictures of our merriment.

Or not.

A Little Off Color for the Successful-Reproducer-Set

Look. I don't really expect to win any awards. I like to think I've had a few perfect posts in my day, or even ones that make you laugh hard enough to roll on the floor, but alas, it's not yet been meant to be.

I know. I really don't have my own material. Left without Mississippi, my in-laws, and my crotch, I'd have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

But Karyn, loyal reader and sexiest redhead on this side of the blogosphere has given me the Thinking Blogger Award. Apparently I make her think. Hard. Really hard. About the good wholesome parenting things -- like crotch shaving, douching, and sex (or lack thereof).

I'm glad I make someone think. I mean, while I do write my posts for me and no one but me so help me God (yeah right), it is nice to know you've touched the minds of another crazy mother. We are one in our insanity!

Sweet.

And so, I honor those who make me think. Now go. Spread the love.

1) Daddy in a Strange Land -- whose self-proclaimed race-obsession makes my brain hurt on a weekly basis.

2) Stuntmother -- whose words are enchanting, effortless, and thoughtful.

3) This Mom -- whose blog allows me to ride along on her adventures as a homeschool parent of a son with Asperger's.

4) Binky -- whose blog is busting at the seams with some deep down home think.

5) The New Girl -- I know. She's my friend. But she always makes me think. Blog or not.

A Bang-ography

Hi. Aren't I sexy with the sweeping bangs over my one eye?

Except now I'm a mom of two. And I really need both my eyes.

No one likes the "behind the ear" -- especially with ears like mine. I can hear them talking about me. In China.

Cute. But a little too 30 going on 2.

Do I make you horny with the gigantic poof on top of my head?

Hey y'all. Did you know they still make claw clips?

K-fed made me do it but I bet rehab will be better than the in-laws!

Like. Oh. My. Gawd. Becky. Look at her butt. It is like sooooo big.

Okay. So what you got? Post pictures of your own bang solutions. I'm happy to link. Extra points for anyone who uses a curling iron and aquanet.

PSA: It's finally happening. Tune it tonight! 9-10pm (646) 915-8634

My Sisters in Banghood

Her Bad Hair

Jen (Letters About Eve)

Annie

Tiffany (Snarkymomma)

dcrmom (Musings of a Housewife)

Lena (Cheeky Lotus)

Liz (Mom-101)

MotherofBun (Midwestern Mommy)

Julie

Christina

Dana

Kate

Joy

No Rest for the Engorged Boobs and Bleeding Butthole

Apparently my post-partum brain has gotten the best of me and I forgot to reschedule my radio show for tonight. The show went on without me last night, as evidenced by my archives (0 listeners -- yeah, NO DUH -- 0 host). If the kind authors of BPYM will humor me, I'm hoping to have them on next week. In the meanwhile, go read all my links and come back tomorrow.

I actually nursed my son while I was on the toilet the other day. Now if that doesn't make me the poster child of post-partum bliss, then what will?

MILFS? Eat your heart out.

So today, I give you more fabulous links -- sort of like a scavenger hunt of the blogosphere. Please humor me.

1) Tonight two of the authors of Babyproofing Your Marriage will be on my radio show from 9-10pm EST. (646) 915-8634. If you can't join me live, then please leave me a comment here or an email and then listen via iTunes or that media player over in my left sidebar. Ask them some questions and join in the banter, I mean, unless you're that special person that was totally prepared for the havoc having children would wreak on your relationship and are still totally infactuated with your spouse. Heh.

2) If you didn't read the sex column, then you should. I use the words "tickler" and "anal tonight" all in one essay. Now if that's not saying something...

3) Amidst all this baby shit (literally), I've been struggling with this whole "Not easier, just different" thing that people are trying to tell me about my toddler turned 14 year old. I guess we'll always have sleepless nights, huh? I wrote about it over at Dot-Moms.

4) Many wonderful, kind people sent Drew gifts. And I offer them my linky love and shout outs over at my Reviews Blog. Be nice. Go say hello.

5) Who's stepping it up this week, you ask? Why Crankmama, of course, with this incredibly touching post. And, one of my first blog pals ever is back to blogging. Hooray!

6) And finally, I'm just crazy with excitement because my bff -- yes, the one who many of you wanted to blame the pot incident on, wanted me to tell her to throw me a shower, and who filled you in on all my goings on while I was in the hospital and stole all your hearts -- has started her own mommy blog.

The New Girl.

I probably shouldn't tell you about her because she's way funnier and smarter than I am and well, I get all my good stuff from her.

Now go. Click. Read. Return tomorrow for a report on the "Let's Cut the Whole Thing Off" situation.

Motherhood Uncensored... Once a Jew?

I've always thought there was something to this whole concept of reincarnation. Granted I'm not so much for this whole "I'm coming back as a large Jersey cow" thing, but I've always believed that we were all someone else at one point in time. You know -- old souls, relatives that have passed...

Or in our case, old Jewish ladies.

Considering my 100% Chinese mother is a card carrying member of Jews for Jesus and the only Asian non-Jewish woman I know who can make a mean Matzoh-Ball soup, I don't think I'm that far off. In fact, the first guy she dated after my dad died was an 82 year old Jewish man who owned a deli and played for the 1940-something Israeli soccer team. And she owns a menorah.

Enough said.

Now, you won't see me chowing down on Gefilte fish anytime soon, but I do have fairly authentic usage of the word "oy" to which I extend to other sayings like "oya boya." When I lived in Mississippi, someone keyed "dirty jew" onto my car. And I tend to make up exclamations like "holy basmoyka" -- a Russian Jew, perhaps?

But lately, my daughter has been taking the Tezpishti with her unique and very Jewish sounding names of her "friends." There's Biza and Giza (bee-zah and gee-zah, the evil Jewish step-sister Barbies), Ho-ha and Schroda (the Jewish hooker and her aunt/pimp), and Kinsa and Quo-sha (the two missing Jewish Disney Princesses).

C'mon. You have to admit. "Schroda" does have a pretty nice ring to it.

And my favorite part of all of this, aside from inserting my own name in the Adam Sandler song, is that the very idea that we might have been Jews in a past life would totally piss off my in-laws. That in itself is worth celebrating.

Mazeltov!

So who were you or your kids in a past life?

No Rest for the Heinously Sleep-Deprived

Here's what I've been up to in my free time. You know. Between rubbing my nipples with Lansinoh and examining 10-12 poop diapers a day.

1) Yes. I'm digging Kelly's blog, particularly her post on hemmarhoids. Plus, it's sort of like my post on the topic, and she covered The State of the Union Address and her Ass in the some post. That, in itself, is deserved of some kind of recognition.

2) It's our inaugural Parent Bloggers Network campaign. Check out what's taking over the country. Didn't you know that Sunday afternoon is the new Saturday night?

3) It's the Blog Exchange today! This month folks are writing about a hot topic/issue in the voice of a celebrity. So, go, read the posts, and try to figure out "who's talking."

4) Khatina and I had our babies on the same day, except her husband was there via webcam. He's deployed for a year in Iraq. Makes me thankful to be where I am (if you can believe that). Go over and say hello, will you?

5) Some of my favorite but perhaps little known bloggers are "turning it up a notch" and pumping out some really great posts. Check out Mrs. Chicky and Mrs. Chicken. (Hmmm... Why am I suddenly hungry for KFC?).

6) Did you miss my scratchy tired voice? I hope so, because I will re-attempt the MILF radio show with special guests CrankMama and Stuntmother this Tuesday evening (2/6/07) from 10-10:45pm. Don't miss it. You might even get to hear a screaming baby in the background!

And I have an extra special show planned pre-Valentine's Day (2/13/07 9pm EST) with the authors of Babyproofing Your Marriage! The book has been getting some fantastic reviews