Motherhood Uncensored

16 and pregnant

I sort of wish I had completely forgotten that the premiere of MTV's new show 16 and Pregnant was on this past Thursday. Seriously, what is with MTV and 16 year olds?

Oh. Because that's who's watching that shit.

Right.

Honestly, whatever happened to the fun lighthearted music videos, or hell, even the crazed spring breakers running around half naked?

I fondly remember when they'd cram two drunk college students in a telephone booth and make them change clothes.

I suppose you could say they've gone from one method of exploitation to another.

Now I really should have just watched the 4000 other shows that were on television, but I was feeling sort of weepy (must have been the fact that my husband was having a terrible time in Venice without me or something like that).

And I have this soft spot in my heart for pregnant teens, hence why I cried my way through practically all of Juno, so I figured why not just stand there and let MTV punch me in the face a few times.

Now if you have no idea what the hell this show is because you're one of those goody goodies who doesn't have cable or worse, doesn't own a television, then you should enjoy riding your very high horse for this one.

I mean, I'd give you a recap but the title basically implies exactly what the whole thing is going to be about.

Sixteen year old girl in an urban location or the South (surprise!) gets knocked up by her doofy, immature teenage boyfriend who proposes to her so she can call him her "fiance'" when really he's still just her doofy immature boyfriend who just wants to hang out with his doofy, immature friends while she does almost every single thing for the baby along with working and going to college while her mom watches the baby but she doesn't want to say anything because he's happy and that's all she wants at which point point he tells her that he doesn't think it's going to work out and that everything changed when she got pregnant and then they decide to "work it out" which means she'll still do everything and just put up with his shit hoping that he'll change.

Just when you thought we'd come a long way the good old South reminds us how it likes its women to kick it "old school" oppressive style, yo.

Now I will say it was as predictably depressing without the calories or hangover of a bad bottle of wine as it sounds.

But if that's not a reason to talk to your kids about sex and temporarily sterilize them until they're at least 25, I don't know what is.

Tough Crowd

I was in NYC this week for a conference and a cool work gig with the inimitable Mom-101.

And the good New Yorker that she is, she showed me an amazing time - which included but was not limited to real live music in the subway;

They only cost me one dollar (Who said NYC was expensive?) 

a real live pair of boobs and their hooker in an elevator; (I don't even want to know how much a night with her would have cost).

And a fancy pants hotel penthouse, complete with Paris Hilton. Well, she wasn't in the penthouse, but she tried to leave the hotel and held up our attendees.

So yes, we can officially blame Paris Hilton for delaying the start of our presentation.

Gratuitous fancy pants hotel penthouse view picture

And present we did, about some cool new home office products to a group of eager, engaging, and enthusiastic magazine writers and bloggers.

Well, I imagine that at some time in their life they might be eager, engaging, and enthusiastic, because aside from the Daily News reporter who told later told Liz that no one had any questions because we were so engaging in his sleep (seriously, the dude was snoozing on the blue velvet couch while Liz talked about surge protectors - the nerve!), they might have been a bunch of mannequins.

And my jokes? Not one laugh. None. Nadda .

Apparently my funny anecdotes about needing a hands free phone so I can breastfeed my baby are only funny to people who have kids.

Who knew?

Reunited, and it feels so gooood

Guess who the huz flew in for a fantastic girls only, sans kids dinner and drinks 33rd birthday celebration and surprised the living shit out of me?

 

Guess which one isn't mine. It's hard to tell, huh?

I'm sorry you're awake and reading this. On the bright side, you might catch me on tv.

Edited to add: You can click on the CBS Atlanta website, then click "Better Mornings" and you'll see "Cool Mother's Day Gifts" (except, please note, these are NOT mother's day gifts. Hear that dads?).

Of course, you must live in the Atlanta Metro area, and chances are, if you have to be at work at a reasonable hour then you're probably already in the car.

BUT, if by some freak of nature you live in Atlanta AND happen to be home and awake (WHY ARE YOU AWAKE?), then flip on CBS Atlanta and you might catch me live on their Better Mornings show talking about cool eco friendly products for under $50 sometime between 5am and 7am EST.

And since the camera tends to add 10 lbs, it's a good thing I've lost 20 since March (yes, 20 lbs). I owe my ass to Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred (well, and Bob Harper too, I suppose).

It really does work.

If you don't live in Atlanta, I'll post the link to the show (if I can find it) later on today. Once I catch up on zzzzzzzzzzzs.

Mother's Day Gifts - They Ain't What They Used to Be

With mother's day only a few weeks away, the PR pitches have turned my email inbox into a veritable smorgasbord of bizarre gift ideas.

I pray that no poor unsuspecting husband happens to fall upon my email box because all of you beautiful lovely moms would beat them silly if they actually decided to give you what these PR pros are trying to peddle as the greatest Mother's Day Gift (shameless link, tyvm).

But since it's mother's day, and we moms are desperate for something wrapped up in a bow, we don't actually care what it is. It's the thought that counts, apparently.

So exactly what thought does Soft Soap send, other than "I think I will never have sex with you again"? 

Probably the same thought that a monster-shaped jump drive might inspire.

Don't get me wrong. I do not need a diamond heart shaped necklace from Kay Jewelers or even a day at the spa (although, those two things pitched to me in an email would make sense). I'd personally just love a complete day or even half a day or fuck, even TWO WHOLE HOURS to spend doing nothing but cuddling up in bed with a good book or let's be honest, the entire season of Rock of Love Bus and a bottle of champagne, and basking in the silence (interspersed with the sounds of drunken hos in thongs slamming shots in the back of a pink bus of course).

But Spanx. SPANX? (Which I totally love, pee hole and all).

What not just get a card that says "I honor you and your lumpy ass today"?

What do six month olds and defunct rap stars have in common?

While I nurse Margot to sleep every night, I get my fill of craptastic television. And my guilty pleasure, after I can no longer take the bright white smile and robotic voice of Mary Hart, is The Daily 10 on E! Aside from feeling sympathy hunger pains for Catt and Deb, I actually like getting a daily dose of entertainment news.

It's like a shot of Botox. It makes me feel young again.

Except for when they do their style segments, like last night's "Hot Summer Styles." Nothing makes you feel like a big giant old fart than watching some style "guru" attempt to convince the average American woman that they could get away with wearing a jumpsuit.

And she wasn't even April Foolin'.

Now look.

I admit to have worn a jumpsuit (also known as a "romper" in some cases) at one point in my life. I think I was about 7 months old and it looked adorable.

(Excuse the bad eyeliner. I was only a baby).

But yes, apparently they are back, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand the appeal.

Maybe it's because I do not want to be wearing the same thing as my 6 month old or that you have to completely undress in order to go to the bathroom, which might be fine for a 16 year old, but when you're carraling three kids in a public bathroom stall, you don't exactly have the time or the energy to strip down just to pee. Plus, then you've got to hold it up off the floor or worse, out of the toilet, both of which require arms that I am generally using to stop my kids from putting their hands in the pretty silver boxes. 

[Side note: Why can't they make those fucking boxes ugly and gross, or like in the shape of a big green vegetable so kids would never ever go near them ever?]

I suppose they could add leg snaps, but I can barely do those on my kid let alone on me. I'd be walking around with uneven snaps and half my ass hanging out. Sort of like my 6 month old on most days.

But along with the not so simple logistics of the jumpsuit, I kind of think they tend to look like pajamas, which is great when you're going for that extremely sexy "I just rolled out of bed look" but c'mon. I can do that without even trying. I'm not sure why I would spend extra money on something that I can do for free.

 

(I always wear platforms to bed yo)

But by far, my favorite look for summer that "every woman will find flattering" (seriously, she said that) is the jumpsuit with harem pants.

HAREM PANTS.

Yes, because a huge baggy mid-section with the crotch of your pants hanging down at your ankles with a tapered leg will really scream "sexy."

Try "Can't Touch This."

 

Jump Suit Harem Pants 2009: 2 Legit 2 Quit

[Photos via]

I smell something fishy

A few weeks ago, I got this:

Hi Kristin,

I came across your website, Motherhood Uncensored and wanted to contact you because I think you’d be an excellent candidate for an initiative that Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers created called [silly name]. The program is designed to give parents like you the chance to connect while providing your kids the tools to lead happier, healthier lives.

We are recruiting 10 insightful moms to become key influencers in this nationwide campaign. As a member of this network, you’ll have the chance to learn from child psychologist and [silly name] creator, Dr Karen Reivich, on how to spread the [silly name] message of optimism and positive thinking to other moms in your area.

The program will last 4 months in total and offers a monthly compensation of $500 along with an in-person training session in New York on March 6-8. Overall it is a great chance to educate other parents on helping kids move past obstacles and welcome life’s challenges with a smile.

We would love to set up a time to chat with you this week about this unique opportunity and also to learn more about yourself and your experiences as a mother.

If you are interested please send [email] your phone number along with 3 time slots that you are available to speak this week. We look forward to hearing from you and in the meantime I encourage you to check out [fishy site] and Mr. Youth to learn more about the initiative and our marketing agency, Mr. Youth, who is partnering with Pepperidge Farm on the campaign.

I was all like, cool! I like fish! I like money! I like NYC! This could rock!

So, feeling all special, I emailed back my time slots. I even checked my husband's schedule to see if he was off that weekend.

And then never heard.

Then I bought some Annie's Cheddar Bunnies (eat that GOLDFISH), and forgot all about it until I got to Mom 2.0. The conversations went something like this:

Blogger: Hey, did you guys get that Fish thing?

Another blogger: Yeah! I emailed back and they emailed me twice and then I never heard.

Another blogger: So did I. I gave them times and everything. And then nothing.

Another blogger: Me too.

Me: Anyone want to get a $15 martini?

So, we gathered that we weren't, in fact, excellent candidates and went on our merry way. Sort of disgruntled, sort of not.

Then Julie found a bunch of posts announcing some "symposium" in New York on the same weekend as their "training." These bloggers posted their button and copy (hello, FREE AD!) on their blogs and then I got to thinking.

Did they change the program? Did they just decide "eh, screw it" and drop it altogether?

So because I was driving home from Florida with screaming angry bitter children in the car and needed a distraction so I wouldn't completely lose my mind, I decided to tweet it.

And lo and behold, the truth comes out.

Blogger: They emailed and I talked to them on the phone. I even was getting childcare lined up. Then nothing.

Another blogger: They emailed me back and forth and then nothing.

Another blogger: I emailed back three times. No response.

Another blogger: I emailed and set up a time and then didn't have the call.

Me: I'll just twitter everything. YIPPEEEE!

To be fair, the PR Firm must have been sitting on Twitter refreshing the name of the initiative on a per minute basis, because then we got emails and direct messages - hell even phone calls - because some of us shared our phone number with them.

Sheesh.

Here's how it sounded:

CEO Person: We'd love for you to come out and see the powerful things we're doing - depending on where you live of course.

PR Contact: We'd love for you to be one of 1000 influencers and get FREE STUFF TO GIVEAWAY.

Here's what I got: We're sorry you didn't understand the interview process. [Huh? Did you see interview anywhere?] We'd love to chat with you tomorrow.

Needless to say, I won't be blogging about goldfish anytime soon. Of course, we're all flattered to be one of 200 random bloggers, oops I mean excellent candidates considered for this. But when you get an email like that, it sort of makes you think you're a little more than one out of 200.

So fine. Whatever. I'm over it. But here's my advice:

• Send an email to guage interest - "Hey cool blogger Kristen spelled correctly, Just wanted to tell you about what we're doing. We've got some paid opportunities, here's what it would involve, are you interested?"
• Be clear about the outreach - "We're emailing a large number of bloggers. You're not really that special." [Okay, not that, but still. Give an idea of who you are reaching out to]
• Tell bloggers when you will reply - "We're conducting initial interviews and we'll get back to schedule those in two weeks. If you don't hear from us, please email us again as you might have fallen into the cracks." 
• Email everyone that you initially emailed to tell them about what's going on - "Hey! We're actually just randomly picking bloggers and had no interest in you really. So sorry for that email, but we've got this symposium going on so maybe you want to put a button up and tell your readers for free???" [Alright, so maybe not, but at least keep them in the loop. It's obvious you've got a list of bloggers, how hard is it to send a follow-up email en masse?]

Honestly, I'm not hugely offended. But the offers to see "the powerful things we're doing" or to be "One of 1000 influencers" is a lame response to what basically was a very misleading email. I feel bad for folks who set aside time for a call and it never happened. Or worse, those who had started looking for childcare and then didn't get a response back.

It just makes me think that they believe our time isn't valuable. And these sorts of things just leave a really bad taste in my mouth.

[And also, I'm doing the 30 Day Shred this month and I've posted pictures in my bra. That alone should make you click, but if you want to get in shape, then hop over and check it out. You can join in the madness. I need to fit into a bridesmaid's gown people].

Multiple personalities

While I might be pretty damn foul-mouthed and controversial, I don't curse in front of my kids. And I don't talk about vibrators in daily conversation. Usually, at least.

But based on my "introduction" for my panel at the Mom 2.0 Summit, you just might think otherwise.

I'm struggling with identities these days, particularly as they tend to collide in real life circumstances. On one hand, I'm a mom who writes about motherhood without a filter. But on the other, I'm a business owner, professional speaker, and author.

And when the twain shall meet, it can actually be pretty awkward.

When I heard that our moderator had a surprise for us, which turned out to be an actor to dramatically interpret my V is for Vasectomy post at the beginning of my panel, I was really scared.

[To be fair, I didn't voice my fear, but I felt like I was not in a decision making position.]

And during the actual reading, I saw the faces of people laughing in the crowds. But I saw the people who looked extremely uncomfortable.

Now, I can't lie. I did laugh.

But I couldn't help it. I'm funny. (And obviously not humble or modest. Haha!).

And, I did my best to take what was a pretty odd start to a professional panel and turn it into a talking point - that mom bloggers are not these crazed women spouting off about cock rings and their son's humping at any chance they get. And that the moms marketers are trying to reach are not our mothers.

I understand that I straddle a fine line. My personal has become my professional in a way, and it's certainly afforded me great opportunities.

And I get it. I write about sex and condom lollipops and orgasms.

But I also write about other stuff too.

So when I'm introduced by my discussion about snipping my husband's testicles, I'm not sure if it gives me much street cred in a marketing conference. Or at least, the kind of cred that I think is appropriate for that particular situation.

This blog is my outlet. However, it is one note in a composition that is my fairly diverse life.

I'm fairly sure that Lindsay's life isn't all about turmoil, and I know for a fact that Mom-101 knows what she is doing.

And I know that there's a time and place for everything.

It doesn't mean I'm embarrassed by my own words. It just means that it sort of freaked me out to be introduced as the mom who talks about vasectomies, especially since I wasn't speaking at a vasectomy support meeting, or at a writing seminar on how to write about your husband's balls.

I'm glad to see that folks enjoyed it. And I've yet to hear from those people who might have wanted to run away screaming.

I'm a woman, who happens to be a mom, who happens to do a lot of other things. Some of which involve large vibrating instruments. And others which have absolutely nothing to do with my vagina.

And while I'm more than proud to be "just a mom," when you're sitting in the front of the room to share your expertise as a mom, writer AND a consultant, I think there's a big difference.

I guess this goes to the point that we're moms but there's just so much more to us than that. I think it's something that marketers need to hear and understand. I'm just not sure if that intro was the way to do it.

Tales from Mom 2.0 Summit Part 1 - Because I am too tired and lame to think of a better title

One of the many nice things about staying in a super swanky hotel in a ridiculously gihugic penthouse suite, other than all your friends running into celebrities (even ones with their hookers at least that's what Devra and Sarah said and Devra's a good Jew and would never lie) are the bathroom samples. I'm talking top notch high quality lotions, shampoos, and body washes that you'd otherwise pay more for than should be humanly allowed. Well at least when it comes to stuff you wash your hair with anyway.

And keeping this in mind, I didn't pack any products. It's the Four Seasons, right? I'm not going to be left with a bottle of Head and Shoulders and a teeeeeeeny bar of soap that could easily get stuck in my asscrack if I wasn't careful.

Low and behold, I was correct.

"There's BVLGARI hand lotion in the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!" Julie screamed on the phone from the room.

There was also a walk-in closet the size of Quinlan's room, a dining room table, a chandelier, and a television monitor peephole.

Thank you, Kirtsy Girls, for treating the speakers with babies like celebrities.

The first two nights I showered with my personal favorite, L'Occitane, and tried not to drink it. But on the last night, I decided since I couldn't bring all the bottles back, I'd try the BVLGARI before Julie crammed them into the last few spaces in her suitcase.

And wouldn't you know I walk to the car after catching a 5:45am flight out of Houston to a wrinkle-nosed husband.

"Why do you smell like a men's cologne?" he asked. Yes, apparently he could smell me coming.

I rolled my eyes.

We had just made it through the front door when he asked me to take a shower.

"I think I'd rather smell my asscrack" he told me. "Why don't you just jump in a vat of Patchouli because that would be about 3000 times better?" he continued.

Like a mature adult, I shoved my head under his nose, waved my arm pits around rapidly, and told him to fuck off.

"Well, it was a Mom's conference, you know. It's not like we were having wild orgies every night," I reassured him.

Good thing he doesn't know the moms I'm dealing with.

[To be continued...]

A Redneck Mommy Makeover

1. Free cosmetics, found on the ground of your *grocery store parking lot.

2. Apply generously. And show your boobies.

[I can't compete with Tanis, my favorite redneck mommy, who just added a gorgeous little boy to her family. We're celebrating her awesomeness this weekend. Share your redneck mommy moments and be entered to win some amazing redneck prizes. And if you'd like to contribute to her gift, then you can do that too!]

*The Cover Girl lip stain was fully sealed, of course. I'm not a complete redneck. And if you saw it up close and personal, then you'd know why someone left it on the ground.