When Parents Hurt: A Review & Follow-Up

I was honestly surprised and touched by the response to my post regarding Dr. Joshua Coleman's book "When Parents Hurt." In my own personal experience, I had always felt that I was this incredible oddball for not speaking to my father (now deceased). And after my father died, there was a period of time when I didn't speak with my mother.

I've heard the "blood is thicker than water" argument, and clearly, folks who say that had never met my father, or heard the things he said or did. Quite frankly, statements like that offend me.

So when I had the opportunity to speak to Dr. Coleman and check out his book, I jumped at the chance.

It's important to note that the book comes from the perspective of the parent as opposed to the child -- the child being an adult or teenager or tiny toddler. Dr. Coleman states that he often finds himself in difficult situations as he works with parents wanting to reconcile with their kids and he also works with kids who do not want to reconcile with their parents.

And so, I imagine that many of the folks who really need to read this book won't even think to pick it up. Because like my dad, the thought of making things right with their kids never crossed their minds.

But since I bet I'm not going to be talking to those parents, I'll aim this at folks like me, or parents who are concerned about how their relationship with their kids will change when their kids become teens.

Dr. Coleman uses a thoughtful approach to help parents figure out exactly how their actions might have caused whatever difficulties in their relationships with their kids that they are facing and how their kids might react. The chapters focus on various issues -- guilt, divorce, and "mismatched" parent-child personalities. I found the latter particularly fascinating since I'm always noticing how I'm alike and different from my daughter (now three) and I can see how our personality clashes will certainly come into play as she gets older. I work hard to make sure she's permitted to be herself without me forcing her to be me.

That's one of the biggest challenges of parenting.

Dr. Coleman makes it very clear that parents wanting reconciliation need to come to grips with the fact that it might not happen. And while there is certainly something that they might have done, it is quite possible that there was nothing; that scares me just a little.

But persistence and understanding are key. Being able to listen and accept the mistakes that you've made. And hoepfully, as a parent of a young one, instilling in our kids early that we're not perfect and we might not live up to what they think we should be, but we still love them and are only doing our best.

It might not be a consolation. But I know already that my best is way better than anything I ever got.

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If you commented on my original post, make sure to check it as Dr. Coleman offered some feedback and comments.