Closing a Chapter

I feel as though my mother-child relationships are rapidly changing. My hopes for a recurring role as new-again-mother are temporarily dashed. And my 20-month nursing relationship with my here-and-now daughter has just now ended. I feel as though I'm challenged to let go or set aside (however you want to look at it) that which I held onto for so long - the idea of more children in rapid succession (or even at all as my recent experiences taunt my tired will), and the comfort and soothing calm of a nursing relationship that has sustained and nurtured both me and my daughter.

This roller coaster ride I call Motherhood is changing tracks, but sadly, is not picking up any new passengers today. The prospect of it being a little emptier than I had hoped does pain me (though I try to pretend it doesn't bother me) and enters my mind in the brief moments in which I stop, listen, and breathe. Perpetual motion masks my sorrow.

In honor of the recent closing of the relationship that started early one July morning, almost 2 years ago, AND to perhaps remind myself of what I went through to get there (maybe secretly so I might see that it's okay NOT to have to do it again), I'm sharing my humble birth story.

--

Q's Arrival: Part One

(Alternate title: Why The Hell Would Any Sane Woman Ever Do This? Part One)

The memory of a woman’s birth experience is powerful. I’ve seen grown women who suffered 40 long weeks of morning sickness, heartburn, and constipation, joyfully exclaim that they want another one almost instantly after popping out the little munchkin. And then I’ve seen practically perfect preggos sware off any form of purposeful reproduction based solely on their labor and delivery.

I distinctly recall the first two thoughts after birthing my daughter - I will never do that again, and epidurals and elective c-sections are highly underrated. The joy of meeting my new daughter was overshadowed by the deep sense of wonder and disbelief I felt when imagining any human choosing to give birth AGAIN. Call me cynical, but pain and exhaustion do amazing things to the brain.

First time mothers are admittedly clueless – ripe with visions of sweet baby bottoms and designer diaper bags. Their questions are smattered across internet baby message boards, but most are limited to baby room décor choice and stroller brand. A few brave mommies-to-be mention the “labor” word, interrogating experienced mommies about contractions and other unmentionables.  “Are they like period cramps, just worse?” they ask. “Do you have to get an enema and shave?” They cringe at the word epistiotomy, proclaiming to each other and their gynies that they will NOT have one, or a vacuum or forceps birth- ONLY if it’s entirely necessary. Their real worries about labor are limited to angst about having to wear the hospital gown and pooping on the table.

Then you have a baby. You get the contractions, the pain, and then a baby, and you realize that NONE of the stuff you were thinking about before you popped that little thing out really mattered. Fancy baby sheets, couture infant carriers, and convertible car seats are far from your mind. Enemas, shaves, and poops, who cares? The janitor could have been assisting in your birthing experience and you would never have known. Cutting and stitching are of little concern because you just pushed a small human out of a seemingly tiny hole, and that should have been what you were worried about.

As a classic overachiever in every other aspect in my life, I kept true form by preparing months in advance for my labor experience. I delved full force, dragging my reluctant but supportive husband to hypno-birthing and Bradley classes. We suffered through 12 2-hour classes almost every weekend, watching century old videos chock full of natural childbirth propaganda. We slaved over our birth plan and watched it get carefully placed in a random office junk drawer by our trusty nurse. We recruited two doulas-in-training to provide us with labor support and assistance as we strived to achieve the PERFECT BIRTH. We laughed, in private, at our pregnant friends who didn’t even know the risks of an epidural or complications associated with pitocin. We were birth elitists – training like Oprah for our marathon of a lifetime.

When my due-date rolled around, and then got left in the dust with no baby in sight, we didn’t worry. Even one week later, we proudly fended off our intervention-happy doctors who offered a variety of induction options. Topping 200 lbs with only one outfit that didn’t cause me constant annoyance, I politely refused, asking instead for an ultrasound non-stress test. I secretly begged my baby to make his/her entrance (or exit, really), and began a regimen of self-inflicted enemas, blue cohosh, and nipple stimulation. If one more person asked me if I had done the funky dance with my husband, I would have probably lost it; no self-loving 10-month pregnant woman has any desire to have any type of sexual relations, no matter how much people say it works.

My labor finally started just shy of two weeks past my due date. My mother was the only person who was excited that I had gone so long because she was able to make the birth. The polite phone calls and emails asking of any news turned into belligerent demands for information. But, after a long walk on a hot July morning, and several drops of blue cohosh, I finally felt belly-tightenings that came at a consistent rate. My excitement quickly turned to confusion as my labor seemed to progress fairly rapidly. I went from splashing like a seal in my warm tub, to groaning in pain like, well a laboring woman. I lost my sense of humor, I demanded a heat pad on my back at all times, and I felt the need to push.

Unfortunately, the need to push indicated nothing but more labor for me. Later we realized that my daughter was off-center on my cervix, and therefore allowed me to progress at a medically-acceptable pace, but afforded me visits to “transition” every hour for the last four hours of my labor. The medical staff heeded my every wish, our birth plan emblazoned on their chests, unconcerned with my confusing labor pattern. It wasn’t until my doulas realized that perhaps something might be slowing me down and called their midwife for assistance. A few contractions in a contortionist-like position did the trick and I was ready to push within minutes. I had made it without asking for pain medication or an epidural. I had proved all the naysayers wrong.

Stay tuned for Part 2 (also titled: THE GOOD STUFF)

Comments

[super real]

That's the kind of image that i really thing is super image like. If more images very real like this were out there we'd be super full of graet images in the world.

[buy xanax]

Thanks for sharing. I had 2 c-sections, one due to an emergency, the other by choice.

[buy viagra]

Thanks for sharing. I had 2 c-sections, one due to an emergency, the other by choice.

[C.M.Chase]

HEY!

I just now read the bitchslap you got from italk2much. I feel proud because they made fun of me while making fun of you (see my first comment up there)!

They said:
Even her commenters “got contractions” just reading the first half of the post. Are you fucking kidding me?

HAHAHAH!! That kinda rocks.

[stella]

i agree with all the above comments...you look beautiful in that pic.

but I LOVE...the one of you in the tub. that. is. awesome!

[TB]

PS That photo is the most beautiful thing ever. You are stunning.

[TB]

I love reading birth stories. I imagine I will be a lot like you when I get pregnant. Confident due to all of my research and preparation, when really it is probably not in my control at all.
Can't wait for part two!

And by the way, you have inspired me with your 80's meme. I've been gathering pictures for a photo retrospective.

[kyra]

i love birth stories!!! and i'm sad for you that you're not going to have a new little one as soon as you thought or hoped or longed for or wished. as queer as this can sometimes seem, i am sending you cyber hugs ((((((((((***))))))))

[Dawn]

Childbirth Elitists!!!

That had me laughing. Cause we were too. And oh, our baby would never cry either. Cause clearly those other goofballs just didn't plan well enough...

I can't wait for the next installment

[knq]

Thanks so much Izzy. It's starting to hit me about the nursing. I rocked her to sleep tonight and I cried a little.

As for the birth story, I watch that show too and especially after having her, I cry ALL THE TIME. I even watched my own video one day (my mom taped it) - and then I decided that was a bit too much and I didn't need to see that again... You are very kind and I'm glad to *know* you!

[Izzy]

Regarding nursing, I cried like I was the baby when I weaned my first but I was on medication that necessitated it. I can appreciate your sadness at this turning point. Please know, from one mom to another, that this is just the beginning of many, many more to come. While they are bittersweet, watching your angel grow and change will amaze and awe you in ways I cannot describe. You have many good things ahead of you!

[Izzy]

Oh my...this was as good as watching "A Baby Story" but without all the commercials. You should know that I watch it almost every morning after I take my daughter to school and settle down to nurse the baby to sleep (so I can get my morning nap as soon as possible!). And I cry during almost every episode. I love birth stories! I wrote the story of my first one, which kind of sucked, and haven't yet written the second one, which was, for lack of a better and less abused adjective, amazing. You've inspired me. I will share my first story, which I've always kept to myself because it's not that happy, and write my second one, which will inspire even people who don't want children to procreate! And I love your picture. Again, you inspire me :-)

[Nancy]

Ooh, I love the birth stories. I've been meaning to write up mine -- I'll get to it one of these days.

I love the way you tell the story, so poetic and descriptive. Looking forward to part 2! And by the way, you were one hot pregnant mama!

[Kristina]

I am so SCARED of labor. as my due date approaches, I am secretly hoping that I have to have a c-section (although I know the recovery is worse) because i have had such a horrible pregnancy experience. And no, I am NEVER doing this again! LOL.

[knq]

Now we're talking - this ain't motherhood UNCENSORED for nothing, ducky.

:) right back atcha.

[Mom101]

Fine. Fuck you.

;)

[knq]

7 weeks ago?! Ohmy - you do have a new baby. Believe me, I was wishing for it too -I indulged in a few too many margaritas - hoping that it would help lift my spirits AND get the baby to sleep. :)

Thanks for reading -- Jodes, I emailed you. Jaime - I know, right? and I had prepared myself for teh idea that I would probably go way late.

Mom101 - It will arrive in theaters (okay, just my blog, soon) and LOL - please - feel free to curse it up here. No * needed hahahahaa.

[Irene]

I wish I were as brave as you. I had the baby 7 weeks ago and I am STILL ASKING FOR PAIN MEDICATION (ugh - the crying making it stop.

[Mom101]

WOW what a compelling read! First off, you look simply gorgemous in that b&w. (And to think I looked like Jabba the Hut.) I also admire your commitment to breastfeeding. I had a love/hate realtionship with it myself--loved the bonding, hated the triple-Ds.

You describe the mind of the pregnant mom to a tee and really brought back all of that message board bullsh*t. It's so easy to direct all your hormonal anxiety towards crib bedding and paint colors and whether or not you should get a bikini wax, instead of thinking about things that really matter.

I eagerly await the second installment.

[Jaime]

Cant wait rto read more! I was 2 weeks over due as well---that was the LONGEST 13 days of my life!!! I love sharing borht stories!

[jodes]

great post. Thanks for sharing. I had 2 c-sections, one due to an emergency, the other by choice.

On another note, the link for Mother Duds goes back to yahoo....what did I do wrong?

[knq]

Thanks Cori - and PS that "skirt" is a CURTAIN.

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry when I figured out that it worked.

LOL.

[mrsfortune]

Thanks for the beautiful story. :) I can't wait until Part Deux. That first picture is incredible, BTW. You are brave to let yourself be photographed in anything other than a potato sack while pregnant! At least I think so.

[Lisa]

I love that first pic! And, I can't wait for part 2. You're an excellent writer - had me feeling like I was right there.

My last daughter went breech and that event had me naked, with my butt elevated with 4 pillows and my husband with his head in my crotch shining a flashlight down there begging our daughter to come into the light. All "brilliant" advice I received from emails.

(and, just so you know - I totally blogrolled you! ;-)

[Kristen]

That's tough about the weaning. I didn't end my nursing relationship with my firstborn until he turned three, and by then I was not at all sad to let it go. I know how incredibly uncomfortable it is to nurse while pregnant- I would only let him nurse for about 15 seconds at a time because that was all I could take. I can't remember now how I kept going, but boy was I glad when he was done. 20 months is a long time to nurse a child and your daughter will enjoy great health and a big, beautiful brain because of you! We did the hypnobirthing too...I ended up going the no drugs route and that was one long labor, but not the worst thing in the world. I couldn't sit right for 3 weeks, though. Second baby was breech and they strongly encouraged me to have a c-sec (because no one there could do a breech birth) and that didn't end up being so bad, it was just very different. The spinal made me puke afterward but at least I was able to sit on my butt without crying out in pain. And you know, a lot of people will tell you how "hard" it is to go from one child to two, but NOTHING is harder than the transition from none to one...Can't wait to hear the rest of the story. Don't keep us dangling too long...

[knq]

Hey Ladies --

Thanks, Christina. Altough, I was hoping you would leave me a birth haiku :) It seems a few years apart will be just fine.

And thanks for the wicked nipple description, Carolyn. I can only imagine. I'm still enjoying engorgement (if you want to call it enjoy). I'm sure my delving into the world of AAA bras again will start quite soon.

[Christina]

Wow, that first pic of you is great! You look so beautiful and peaceful!

We did all of the prep as well, and trained as if for a marathon. My hospital suitcase was packed with everything needed to survive an intervention free birth.

However, I never got to experience a single contraction. Cordelia, stubborn from the start, was in a complete breech position, and my doctor determined it was far too risky for me to go into labor. So she was born via scheduled c-section.

I can't wait to hear part 2. Even though I never got to experience it, I love reading birth stories. And I say don't give up hope for #2 yet. They may not be in rapid succession, but even a few years apart isn't bad.

[C.M.Chase]

I think just reading that gave me contractions.

How any woman can give birth is beyond me - and a source of earned respect from me. I, myself, am sticking to my loud, obnoxious, smelly beagles. At least I didn't have to push them out of any hole in my body.

Sounds like you did a bang-up job, K. Can't wait to read more!