It’s official.
I am now a card carrying member of the That Mom club.
You know, the club that all single people and sans-kids folks roll their eyes at and secretly bitch about at their fun no-parents-allowed parties.
I realized it the other day when I was on the phone with a former student. As I was trying to help her with her new private practice, my daughter decided to have a caniption.
“Here’s what I sugwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaagest. Find a goodbbbbbbbbabbyyyyy accountant and wwwwwwwwwwwahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Q, one second mommy’s on the phone *said while poorly holding hand over the mouthpiece*”
“Is everything okay?” [read: Um, that’s really loud. Is she dying?]
“I’m so sorry. She’s just really wants to watch her baby. So anyway, where was I? Oh, accountant, right. Talk to someonewhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… Q, please, just give me one minute here… *said with no hand over the mouthpiece*”
“It’s okay if you have to go” [read: Please, let me go….]
And then it hit me. I am the that mom. The one I hate talking to on the phone because it’s clear that I don’t have her full attention for any part of our conversation. I even admitted it.
“Oh my god. I’m so the mom I hate talking to on the phone. I’m so sorry. I have to go now.”
Even worse was when I had to call her back about 15 minutes later and cancel our lunch meeting because my babysitter didn’t show up. All the times I rolled my eyes when my friends-with-kids were late or had to cancel because of their babysitter just came back to haunt me.
“Um, hi Kara. I’m really sorry about this, but it seems I forgot my sitter is still in Texas and won’t be here. I hate to have to cancel, but is there anyway we can reschedule?”
Shit. I could feel her eye roll through the phone. Hell – even my eyes were rolling. How did triple-A personality, perfectionist college professor turn into a total flake?
Then just the other day I was organizing my closet shelves and instead of having a the various shirt piles like bed shirts, gym shirts, daylight shirts, and good-boob shirts, all I had was ONE BIG PILE. I’m so embarrassed to admit that I have worn the same shirts to the gym, to the store, and to bed. And on really bad days, I’ve done the bed-store, bed-gym, or the store-gym combos.
WTF? That is just not right.
But my membership deal sealer was hearing my voice on the home video tape that my daughter watches at least 3 times a day. Let’s just say I will never be a phone sex operator – unless you want a really loud, exquisitely enunciating cross between Julie Andrews, Ethel Merman, and Elle Woods from Legally Blonde.
Look. I know I’m loud. Of course, my husband is the only one who likes to remind me of this and he thinks that the tv on mute is loud. So really, I never listen to him. Obviously, it’s because I must have huge amounts of wax in my ears that block the resonance of my hugely annoying mom-voice.
And there it was. Loud, clear, and very enunciated.
“Whatttt does the trainah sayee? Whatttt does the trainah sayee? WOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOO. Is thatttt whatah the trainah sayzzzz?WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
Oh. my. god. turn. it. off.
Granted I’m not Fran ala The Nanny or Janice ala Friends, but seriously, I’m on my way there, just in a more valley-girl-gone-bad sort of way.
And with that, I fulfill all the that mom membership requirements. I'm just wondering what’s next. The applique sweater and high-waisted jean uniform? A skirted bathing suit? An accordion coupon book?
Somebody save me.
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Posted by: donaupark wig 64 | September 21, 2013 at 08:21 PM
My eyes were not rolling through the phone at all! I totally understood! I understand even more now, since I'm a mother to a almost 11 month old drama KING...geez I wonder where he gets it from??
Posted by: Kara Holman Walls | September 25, 2009 at 11:15 PM
email and IM'ing was invented for mom's.
I don't think I have HAD a telephone conversation in 2 years now ....as soon as the phone rings the two of them ramp up the volume and start fighting.
I think my levi's ARE mom jeans and I hate to admit they are my fave's.
Sigh.
Posted by: crunchy | June 10, 2007 at 01:02 PM
I have been so gone for so long that I cannot even rise to be "that mom". Oh crap, I'm "used to be that mom".
But I do have good-boob shirts. Emily, got any beer left?
Posted by: melody | June 10, 2007 at 03:42 AM
Ah but I have to add one...
I realized the other day that I'm ready for my Mom Card when I dug in my purse and found a french fry, a pacifier, and a diaper.
Posted by: Meg | April 03, 2006 at 04:09 PM
No accordion coupon book.
Skirted bathing suit - yes, but it's stylish. I swear.
Appliqued crap? Not me.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with one shirt doing double, triple, or even quadruple duty.
But do not call me on the phone. Unless you want to listen to me talk to my kids.
Posted by: Julie | March 27, 2006 at 10:22 AM
Oh wow. YOu have "good boob" shirts too? Yeay! So do I!
I wore a shirt out recently that had the words, "Moms Rock" on it. I saw three teen age girls look at me, look at each other, eye roll and laugh.
So yeah.... I know what you mean about being "that mom." Apparently I'm "that mom" who thinks I'm cool but is too hopelessly lame to realize the truth.
Posted by: Lisa B | March 26, 2006 at 02:05 PM
"good-boob shirts"
lololololol...I thought I was the only one.
And I can't even begin to imagine that you sound like that. I'm not sure what I had in mind but not that...too funny!
Posted by: Izzy | March 24, 2006 at 10:33 PM
My local Ross has those charming Christmas applique sweaters on clearence - you can stock up for next season AND be Uber mom thrifty BWHAHAHAHAHAHA (runs and hides)
its totally OK i'm that mom too. My kids ignore me until the phone migrates towards my ear and then suddenly the moon has shattered and I am the only one who can fix it
Posted by: fidget | March 24, 2006 at 10:30 PM
Oh Heather - that makes me laugh out loud. Seriously...!!!! :)
Posted by: Kristen | March 24, 2006 at 09:53 PM
A while back we went out to eat at a tamale place. I had a leftover tamale, and rather than ask for a to-go container, I wrapped it in napkins and stuck in my purse. In my purse! My former self died at that moment.
Posted by: Heather | March 24, 2006 at 09:52 PM
but she'll understand once she has kids. that's the irony of it all
Posted by: jennster | March 24, 2006 at 07:54 PM
It was when I bought the complete Mother/Daughter matching outfit from Hannah Andersson - with the tights.
That was my Waterloo.
Oh, and having bras that I shove the wire back into cause it pokes me, and still forgetting nearly every week to buy new ones, so I keep shoving the wire back into the bra....
And all the cool Moms wear the Lands End skirt bathing suits.
Posted by: Dawn | March 24, 2006 at 06:28 PM
Lia ~ You are excused - that's not a bad one at all. Although I'm curious - is the function of the skirt to cover belly and ass?
Posted by: Kristen | March 24, 2006 at 05:52 PM
you keep me roaaring with laughter K, i keep coming back for more. sad thing is I already did the research and look at what I have in my wish list :
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008TR11/ref=pd_sbs_a_1/103-8147698-6161410?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=1036592
Posted by: Lia | March 24, 2006 at 05:43 PM
Crap. I'm only four months in and I suspect that I'm fast-tracking to the gold card. No high waisted jeans yet (and if I EVER wander into camel toe territory... please, somebody, shoot me and give my daughter a good, fashion-friendly home with appropriate role-modelling) but THERE IS A SKIRTED BATHING SUIT (could that be said without full caps? No.) And there are coupons. And there are hosts of imaginary friends and anthropomorphized toys throughout our household, each of which has its own distinct - and loud - voice, courtesy of me, Turbo Mommy.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | March 24, 2006 at 04:04 PM
How about a nice pair of Lee Camel Toe jeans. THOSE are frigging hot.
Posted by: GIRLS GONE CHILD | March 24, 2006 at 03:40 PM
OMG that was too funny! I'm not a mom but I have lots of friends who are "that" Mom and I may roll my eyes at times only because I miss my friends and want their undivided attention and want to hear about THEM. . . but I totally understand and wait patiently for the kiddies to get a little older so I can have my friends back. Sigh.
Posted by: Jayne | March 24, 2006 at 01:20 PM
I've got the coupon accordion and I LOVE IT! LOL. I think we all become "that mom" at some time. There's nothing we can do. Don't fight it LOL. Sometimes kids have minds of thier own, and they turn you into the mom you hate to talk to on the phone...it's not your fault! LOL.
Posted by: Kristen | March 24, 2006 at 01:13 PM
OMG - these are hilarious. Mrs. Davis - matching?? We did the uber family white tshirt and jeans thing. Isn't that like so 2001 or something?
And the running shoes - yes - they do go with everything.
I wore some with a nice pair of BR trouser jeans - my huz was like ??? and I'm like DON'T ASK...
Please keep them coming. I love it!
Posted by: Kristen | March 24, 2006 at 12:53 PM
I'm there with the accordion coupon holder and the skirted swim suit and the phone calls. What put me over the top was the Christmas card picture we took a few years ago in MATCHING shirts. No applique or embroidery, but my husband continues to mock me for it.
Posted by: Mrs. Davis | March 24, 2006 at 12:40 PM
Skirted bathing suit?
Check.
Inadequately calimg a screaming child while trying to talk on the phone to a terrified-sounding pregnant friend?
Check.
Turned on by minivans and Onstar commercials? Aroused by phrases like "remote start" and "stow and go?"
Check.
Assumption that running shoes do, in fact, go with everything?
Check.
In order to upgrade to a platinum membership, do I actually have to wait until my child throws a temper tantrum in the store and I sit idly by because I'm just too lazy to leave while he has a fit, or can I just go ahead and sign up now?
Posted by: stefanierj | March 24, 2006 at 11:53 AM
Wait till you carry GOLD CARD status that comes with multiple children.
Posted by: Kristi | March 24, 2006 at 11:43 AM
oh god.
i have an accordion coupon holder and red socks with Christmas trees on them that i wear during the holidays. and when there are no other clean socks. even if they don't match what i am wearing.
shoot. me. now.
Posted by: Beth | March 24, 2006 at 11:35 AM
LOL! Welcome to our club. We always have room for one more.
Posted by: Redneck mommy | March 24, 2006 at 11:25 AM
It happens to the best of us. I had the one shirt pile before I had kids and now I'm happy to have a clean shirt AT ALL! One of the best compliments my friends ever gave me was that I was the married, mother of 2 who nobody believes is a married mother of 2.
Posted by: Irene | March 24, 2006 at 10:36 AM
Does that card get you discounts somewhere? If so sign me up. :) Next up is taking her to a non-animated, PG-13 or up rated movie and letting her sit there while she throws a tantrum.
Posted by: mrsfortune | March 24, 2006 at 10:21 AM
ahahahaahahaahaha I love the bedazzler heh.
And dammit - Mom-101 I totally forgot about that. I just did that the other day.
I'm awful.
Posted by: Kristen | March 24, 2006 at 09:23 AM
hehe I too am in the club, although not a senior member yet...we need to redefine the rules!
Posted by: chelle | March 24, 2006 at 09:17 AM
I'll make a deal with you: I'll shoot you and put you out of your misery if you ever wear an applique sweater and high-waist jeans if you'll do the same for me if I'm ever caught in a tapestry vest with rhinestones (a la the Bedazzler).
Posted by: Christina | March 24, 2006 at 09:15 AM
yes yes yes yes YES!! I am also the one putting the baby on the phone going, "say hi! Say hi to mommy's friend Thalia." Shoot me now.
Posted by: Mom101 | March 24, 2006 at 09:03 AM
Hey... what's wrong with the coupon accordian? That is certainly Type-A organizing :)
Posted by: Latte Man | March 24, 2006 at 08:45 AM
I drove my daughter to sign up for soccer in my minivan with my sweats on.
I'm there too.
Posted by: mama_tulip | March 24, 2006 at 08:31 AM
that is hilarious. i've been a member since 2003. my daughter loves to watch videos of herself opening christmas morning and when she was a baby. i, on the other hand, think it is excruciating! welcome to the club ~ lol!
Posted by: stacy | March 24, 2006 at 08:24 AM
Oh Kristen, I thought you knew...
next is the Minivan :)
Posted by: Mega Mom | March 24, 2006 at 07:34 AM
I hope that your credit union appreciates the free publicity :)
... must go find a clean good-boob shirt now ...
Posted by: laura | March 24, 2006 at 07:28 AM
Hello, from a mom so guilty of putting on whatever clothes I can find in the morning, wearing them all day, sleeping in them that night, and rewearing them all the next day, before grossing myself out, and changing them when I finally have time to shower.
Posted by: Meredith | March 24, 2006 at 03:50 AM
I love your shirt piles!
If it doesn't have ick on it, I'm good to go.
Posted by: something blue | March 24, 2006 at 01:44 AM
CRAP!! I have a swimming skirt AND an accordian coupon book!!!
TAKE IT BACK! Delete those as examples before anyone reads them! Let me pretend I am cool again...PLEASE?!?
I need a beer.
Posted by: Emily | March 24, 2006 at 12:06 AM