The Little Blog Women: Quotable Lucinda, Witty Liz, Intelligent HBM and Random Mrs. Fortune

Loosely inspired by Chase's participation in the nerdy cool Lost Blogs deal where she blogged as Amelia Earhart, I have decided to attempt to blog like some of my favorite blog pals (aka the Little Blog Women - Hello L.M. Alcott fans, anyone?). Granted, people seem to like my style, but it's always nice to have a change and perhaps I can tweak my writing and gain more readers. Knowing my luck however, I'll probably lose some, but I'm not going to think about that.

So, my first thought was to emulate the Dialoggablogga Master, Lucinda. Seriously, the girl can post 14 pages of pure, hilarious dialogue.

"Is that a thong you're wearing?"

"No, I like to call it 'butt-floss'"

"Okay, but wouldn't you throw the floss away when you're done - especially if it was touching your ass?"

"Well, no, not really, because it's a thong. Who throws away a thong?"

"Right, um, not you, I gather."

-- Problem is, I really have no interesting dialogue with anyone but myself - see above - (and that's just a little to scary to post - and wouldn't it all have to be ONE long paragraph?) or my 21 month old (and you all know how that would go - think painful, bleeding ears, rhythmic rocking, and humming of Stars and Stripes Forever...).  If I did have a funny conversation, I could probably only remember about 4 lines and then I'd need to pull out a notepad and pen OR my voice recorder, which would probably kill the entire thing. So, I'll leave that funny shit to Lucinda. --

Then, I thought that I need more sounds and self-talking. While I do feel as though my readers really get what I'm saying, there's nothing like a "urgh" or "feh" to make them really get it. Or, the [turning corner, running quickly with head up ass] thoughts that add that little "something." Well, there's no one like Mom-101 when it comes to blog "sounds" and "self-banter." Seriously, aside from her mastery of the "beh-feh-meh" triple combo,  she might have the best "ack/double ack" placement on the internet.

I'm not quite sure if that comment was supposed to be insulting. Ack. Or if I was supposed to take it as a back-handed compliment. Double ack. [Pretty for a New Yorker... - isn't that a name of a Woody Allen movie?]. Either way, the woman had a hump on her back that was no match for even an Arabian Camel and I'm pretty sure I saw her spit halfway across Manhattan. Feh.

-- Sadly, even my impression doesn't make sense. I have a total lack of "sound placement and self-talk intuition." And, I have no idea how exactly to spell the damn sounds. Like I've used "pfffftttt," but isn't that what a fart sounds like? and, are they italicized or quoted? How does she know all this? However, I can strategically place a damn good muthafucking expletive. So, I'll just stick with that. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?--

Or perhaps I need to use a lot of huge words and insert various cute pictures of my daughter. It's funny, interesting, and educational. Like Her Bad Mother, I'm a professor. I can use the DAMN BIG WORDS DAMNITALLTOHELL.

Hitherto my readers, I offer you tidings from the land of whence forsaken bulbous-headed Lilliputians came forth and dragged me tossing and traversing into a place so darkened by pain and sorrow that I can only creep through to a higher plateau of warmth, depth, and majesty.

Is my magnanimous moment distracted by such utter sweetness?

--But alas, while I may know big words, I have no idea how to use them to form actual sentences like my dear HBM does, so I'll just stick to various expletives and witty 12-point scrabble words. Plus, her daughter looks way cuter with a big pile of bubbles on her head. I promise.--

And finally, I considered just posting about totally random shit that absolutely no one in the entire universe would ever think of, but yet, I do and I make it so damn funny that on occasion people might actually pee themselves laughing. You know, like Mrs. Fortune.

I've often pondered whether street signs could possibly be code words for the Witness Protection Programs. I mean, they have to keep track of them somehow, so maybe it's through street names.

Do you ever wonder if mad cow disease can be caught by women? Crazed pregnant women who could, in theory, eat an entire box of McDonald's fish sandwiches and not feel bad.

I'm seriously considering getting my belly button pierced. I've got to find something to distract away from the stretch marks and oh, the large belly still housing a baby.

-- But, let's face it. I just can't sell the random and totally hilarious posts as well as she can.--

So, while I admire these great bloggers, and many others whom I have yet to humor with my piss-poor impressions (Izzy, you're on my list, and ps I love your new site, and pss we love our CMP logo, and psss I'm so glad you're going blogher. hehe.), I like to think that my little formula of "sarcasm, cynicism, and a no more mrs. nice mom approach to the mom blog" works. Maybe not for everyone, but just enough to make me feel like people like me. And damnit. That's all that matters. Bah.

Okay, so did you like my impressions? Well, even if you didn't, go here and sign up for the email newsletter. Tell them I sent you. Why? Because if I refer 25 people, and I'm one of the first five, then I get a free ipod shuffle. And I like free stuff. Particularly that. I don't have one. I'm not cool. I want to be cool on the plane ride to Arizona next weekend, for my 30th birthday in 3 weeks, and my trip to Blogher. You get the picture. Oh,  and you can do all this too (refer people, that is). Today I got children's book recommendations from them - not bad.

Comments

[sweatpantsmom]

Those were great. But I think Kristen is pretty freakin funny as she is.

[Stacy]

ok signed up for the newsletter. oh and if you want to do an impression of me sometime all you need to do is whine, whine, whine. i'm getting a sneaky feeling being funny is where it's at in this blog business!

[Dawn]

Those were spot on, but I do like the Motherhood Uncensored voice, just as much!

[Chase]

Great eye there with the blog reading, woman! And what a great impression of some of the funniest ladies out there! Haha!

And, of COURSE, thanks for the link lovin', even though you DID call me a dork. (A badge worn proudly, I might add.)

If you were to impersonate me, here's a hint - take pictures of yourself acting like a moron and call it a post. You'll be dead on.

[dutch]

Love it! This should become a meme. I am a firm beleiever that there should be more parody in the blogosphere.

[something blue]

But if you changed to be one of those other ultra cool bloggers, than who would fill your shoes? No one I tell you. And I need my daily dose of Motherhood Uncensored!

I did my part in helping you get an iPod. Hope that it arrives in time for your birthday!

[Undercover Angel]

That's hilarious! You did a terrific job of impersonating them. I love those blogs, and got a kick out of seeing you imitate them so easily. I wouldn't be able to pull it off...

[Redneck mommy]

Love that post. You have now earned my ever lasting devotion due to your writing diversity. Now, I must go, as I have a case of serious writer's envy. You continue to set the bar high, Kristen!

[Lucinda]

Oh my god. You are hilarious! And randomly, my entire post today is DIALOGUE! It's like you're psychic or something.

Really, dialogue is my lazy way of posting. Because it's just sitting there in my brain as a memory and I don't even have to think when I write it. Now you know all my secrets.

Your writing is totally content-driven. Like I read it and it's like gossiping with a good friend and I'm all, "I can't BELIEVE you SAID THAT! Tell me more!" See, you're awesome because you don't have to resort to devices. Lucky you.

This post mitigates my Blogher envy. Grrrrrrrr... ;)

[Nancy]

Those were great impressions. I admire the way the writers above have such entertaining styles -- I'm such a straightforward writer myself.

But you're a talented writer too, madame. You have a way of tackling all sorts of topics ranging from the silly to the serious and starting an incredible discussion. And I love your irreverence. Rock on, Kristen!

[Christina]

That. was. fucking. hilarious!

I applaud your ability to decipher and then mimic the writing styles of others. It's something I have no talent in, and I'm not even sure I have my own style yet.

But even though I enjoyed your take on other bloggers, please don't give up your own style, either, because it's just as good!

[Lisa B]

Don't change a thing chickie! It ain't broke! Love ya! (Hey! Do you think I used too many exclamation points!)

[Kristi]

Kristen, you totally rock! Seriously, who are you and where do you come from? You have a way, a way that hooks us and has us salivating for more. That was just fanfuckingly brilliant and right on the money. Keep it up!

[Sunshine Scribe]

I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. FABULOUS post. You nailed them. I particularly liked Her Bad Mother's response in comments. Your impressions were insightful and pee-your-pants hysterical.

All those women have such distinct "voices" and styles that I respect. You too of course, but you just proved your versatility today.

I am more all over the place depending on my mood. I think there are meds for that.

[Mama C-ta]

LOL that was good stuff! I have no writing talent whatsoever, don't know how to spell and use grammar properly, write about lame, random stuff all the time and post waaaaaay to many pictures. What person in their right mind would read me, I don't know so I definitely don't recommend copying me unless you want your reader count to drop like flies ;) I on the other hand need to be stealing your shit!

[Her Bad Mother]

Ah, sweet Kristen, your understanding of the complex monstrosity that is the enormous Bad Mother brain is breathtaking, breathtaking. My journey to the higher plateau of illuminated wisdom is a Sisyphean struggle - one made more challenging by the sweet burden of my child - but your sympathies lift me!

What's that? You were being funny?

Oh. Fuck me.

(laughing laughing laughing bulbous-headed Lilliputians laughing laughing laughing)

[mama_tulip]

*snort*

Hilarious.

[Mom101]

Oh my God, I'm laughing. Not even laughing, cackling. Cackling woman! You made me cackle! Ack. (ha)

It's so funny to see someone else not just emulate, but articulate your own writing style. I feel like, "ohhh...so THAT'S what I do." You've given meaning to all those random, ADD-brain asides I spew out in the middle of otherwise linear posts and for that I thank you.

Truly, you've nailed each and everyone of these bloggers. Now give me a few minutes while I figure out how to do you.

[fidget]

a masterful weaving of bloggable talents (copious applause)

[Kristen]

I.love.those.people.too.and.I.totally.stole.that.from.everyone.

They'll be in my next installment. heh.

[krista]

You are hilarious. I also enjoy the bloggers who've mastered the excessive. use. of. periods.

[mrsfortune]

Oh, you gave me a huge smile this morning Kristen. How did you know about my witness protection program theory?

And as long as I don't have to be ... um, Beth is the one who dies right? As long as I don't have to be her, I'm good.

[Izzy]

You totally nailed all of them!

I do love how Lucinda takes the most ordinary shit and turns it into a great anecdote.

And gracias for the linky love :)

But what does that teeeeeeeny tiny writing say?