Tears for My Mother

I spent most of my life trying to get away from home. Maybe it was the abuse, the pain, or the hope for something better. Whatever the case, home never nurtured my heart.

I never understood why my mom stayed. Maybe it was for the same reasons I wanted to leave, except she had lost hope for something better. Even still, she never doubted by choices.

“That’s why I homeschooled you” she used to say as I begged her to let me go to school. “You’re my bird and I know someday you’ll fly far away, so I’m keeping you here with me for as long as I can.” I hated that answer, but part of me knew it would be true.

***

My mom and I have had our moments together. There was the time my dad chased her around the house in a drunken rage. I called the police and they took him away, until he broke in through our basement window early that morning and made us all sit on the couch for three hours so he could explain how it was my mom’s fault that my sister died*. She didn’t get her to the doctor soon enough, he tried to tell us. I told him to go to hell. 

And then there was there the time my mom had to kick my dying father out of the house because he had just slapped me across the face. I had been defending her. Again. But this time, I told her I wasn’t coming home anymore.

Shortly thereafter, my dad died. I moved home to help her pay for the mortgage and because I wanted to heal my heart and make my house a home. But her own guilt and grief turned into aggression, and she decided that I needed to fly far away from her. And I did.

Since then, I’ve seen four universities, two marriages, and five states. And it was never really okay with us until my daughter arrived. Maybe it was because she had lost a daughter, or because she had always wanted another child. But all the years of pain and hurt ended the instant she knew I was having a baby.

***

I have finally landed, for now. And just like she said, it’s far away from her. And now I have a little bird of my own who sees her “mimi” only twice a year. But during those glorious visits, that “mimi” helps her collect rocks from our driveway that my daughter treats like fine gemstones. Together they pick handfuls of clover, proudly displaying them in a plastic cup on our mantle. And they dance together, my daughter’s head on her shoulder, nestled tightly in her arms. And when “mimi” leaves, my daughter cries. And for the first time ever, so do I.

I want my daughter to grow up near her beloved grandmother. But what I’ve come to realize is that I want to be near my mom just as much. Maybe it’s because I know she tried to do the same with me and I wish we could try again- this time without the alcohol and abuse driving us into our own dysfunction. Or maybe it’s because I regret wasting all those years running away from someone who needed me as much as I needed her.

And as many tears as I have cried trying to get away from her, I now spend the same wishing she was right here with me. Tears cried not just for my daughter, but for me too.

--

*My sister died on May 8, 1980 (yes, the day after my birthday) from spinal meningitis. She was on life support and to save me a life of crappy birthdays, they stopped it on May 8. The birthdays are still crappy.

She was 9 months old. I remember her, although the circumstances surrounding it are a bit tougher to recall. She was well, then she was sick, and then she was gone forever. I used to have nightmares about it and it's still hard for me to swallow. It hit me incredibly hard when my own daughter was 9 months old and I realized how awful it was for my mom.

And it wasn't her fault. Granted the specialist sucked, but word is she had an immune deficiency. However, chances are the new HIB vaccine would probably have saved her.

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[Anne54304]

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[Vivacious_G]

:crying: I love you, my friend.

[Jasi]

Mother-Daughter relationships can be really hard. I have a love/hate with my mom. It's really great that you can mend and move on together.

[TB]

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with so much as a child. Adult relationships with abusive parents are never easy, that's why for my own sanity I'm estranged from my dad. I admire your willingness to try.

[Mommy off the Record]

That brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for how difficult your childhood was, but glad that your relationship with your mom is healing now.

[meredith]

Thanks for sharing that. I had to fly far away from my mom to survive some craziness. I understand why we fly, and now that I have children, I sometimes feel the need to fly back, but not stay.

[NattyChick]

Wowm what a post in which to stumble acros your blog. Although our circumstances were a little different, I think that part of our healing (and learning to accept our mothers and their decisions) comes from the realisation that we won't ever understand their reasoning. And that's OK. We don't have to understand, we have to move past that. My Mum chose to stay with a man (My stepfather) that was physically abusing me (at age 5). My grandparents took me to live with them. That was the end of our relationship really. I will never understand why my mother chose a warm bed over her daughter but I have moved past it. My children see her quite often. She is certainly a better Grandmother than Mother.

Have a great Mother's Day!

[Mary]

It's such a powerful thing to heal a broken relationship with a mother. And a great legacy to pass on to your daughter, too.

Thanks for opening up about this part of your history; I know it couldn't have been easy.

Happy Mother's Day to you! Hope you have something special planned.

[Jen R]

I'm so sorry that you had the issues you did growing up...

I was just thinking today about how our parent's relationship affects who we are in the future.

We all have to deal with the aftermath, so to speak. I'm so glad that your daughter helped heal that relationship. I know that having my son helped my relationship with my father. Funny how that works.

[nonlineargirl]

Beautifully written. I'm glad you can cry about missing your mother, rather than about being estranged from her.

[Mama C-ta]

Wow, so open and raw. Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have been through so much in your life and although I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been/be it seems you have become one strong woman, a great Mom and wonderful daughter.

[Nicole]

Well said. Do you ever wonder if Q will feel the same way about you as you did about your mom when you were growing up? I think that is the scary part. What if she wants to get away from you? How do you reconcile that hurt and understand? Do you understand because you have been there or will it hurt just as much? I'm just saying...

[Kristen]

If you're not making me laugh, you're moving me to tears. That was beautiful.

I too had a "different" relationship with my mom through my teens, and I have to agree that having a baby really brought us back to each other.

[bridgermama]

This post literally took my breath away. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Nancy]

Beautiful and sad. And powerfully written. Families and relationships can be so complex. It's amazing that you are able to get a second chance at a new relationship with your mother through her bond with Q. It speaks to your own strength that you are willing and open enough to try and let that happen.

[reluctant housewife]

Thank you for sharing this part of your life. That took guts.

I'm sorry, and I hope that your relationship with your mother continues to grow.

[something blue]

How incredibly touching and well written. Thanks for sharing this part of your soul. You have had to endure so much that you seriously deserve some kick ass karma.

My mother lives far away and I too ache to have my daughters closer to her.

[Binky]

The sentiment about how becoming a mother yourself makes you reevaluate your own role as a daughter is one I can relate to so well. I am so thankful that my mother is here to share in my daughter's life and to nurture me, as well. It was a long time coming, that's for sure. I'm getting teary just thinking about it. Even though I am so grateful and think about this new relationship often, it never hurts to be reminded and to hear about others experiencing the same thing.

[Jess R]

Kristen, I too can relate to alot of what you've written here. I'm so sorry to learn of what you've gone through, but like many other commenters here, I am grateful you've shared this with us.

[Lia]

Now girl this converstation needs a cup of tea and cigarette. Come on over. The sun is shining and we can share /compare notes.

recognising that all families disfucntion along doesn't make our own hurt less real.

[Dawn]

All I know is that I never understood my own mother as well as when I became one. That doesn't mean that the slate is wiped clean, but it does give you a different lens - doesn't it?

[Mom101]

We're so similar Kristen; I think that for women like us, it's easy to make jokes and be lighthearted and gloss over the pain. But when you allow yourself to open up enough and let the heavy stuff pour fourth, it's beautiful and healing and poetic. It also lets us get to know you in a deeper, more meaningful way. Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

[Lisa B]

I am so so sorry to hear about your sister!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and dad. That had to be tough.

[mothergoosemouse]

Kristen, how terribly sad. All of it. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and your mother a very happy Mother's Day.

[BohemeMama]

Wow, I love this, very open and real. Thank you.

[Anne Glamore]

That was a beautiful post.

[grayelephant]

Hi kristen. I've come by your blog quite often, but this post really made me want to de-lurk and comment. I thought this post was so moving, especially how your mother said that she homeschooled you bc she wanted to keep you with her as long as she could. That literally brought tears to my eyes. You obviously were her life... and after having a kid of my own, I understand that so well. (I love the analogy that you were her little bird... how beautiful!) I hope grandma birdie, you, and little baby birdie will all be able to play together more often!

[Daily Piglet]

Hot damn, that was an excellent post. Thanks for opening yourself up and inviting us in.

Such a good ending is a blessing indeed :)

[Amy]

I am sorry you've had such a long road. I'm happy for you that you may be near a fork that lets you choose how to spend the rest of the time you have with your mom. Sounds like you've traveled rough to get where you are now, and I commend you.

My life is the reverse. I remember an idyllic childhood and as an adult my widowed mother abuses the love and trust we invested in each other over so many years.

This post made me look inside my own heart.

Thank you. And happy Mother's Day.

[Hollie]

I have just stumbled across your blog, and I'm intrigued. You remind me so much of myself. Its amazing how we don’t realize that we need our mothers as much, until we are mothers ourselves. I'm glad you had the chance to make amends. You will always be glad that you did. I wish I would have.
Anyhow, you seem like a really cool, and down to earth person. Reading your blog has made my workday tolerable. Thank you!
I hope you have a happy mothers day, weekend. Make em kiss your ass! We’re worth it.

[Lucinda]

So sad, Kristen. Thanks for sharing.

My mom and I have had our ups and downs but now she's turned her focus on my baby and everything's well between us. I understand what you're saying. :)

[Carolyn]

This is a beautiful mother's day post. I hope that you continue to nurture your relationship with your mom and your daughter with her mimi. She sounds like a remarkeable woman whose strength is balanced with tenderness.

Congratulations for all you have accomplished in life. Your past is sad but I have a hunch it helped shape you into the person you are today.

[J's Mommy]

I can't say that I relate, my mother and I have always had a pretty good relationship. What I can relate to is the bond strengthening when I had a daughter of my own. It's an amazing experience to see my mother and my daughter playing together. It makes my heart melt. And J loves her grandma. I only hope that my daughter and I can share the same bond and my mother and I do. Thanks for sharing your story!

[Lindsay]

I wish I could hug you.. Your story is wonderful and you strength in writing it is every more so! thank you for sharing!

[stefanierj]

Epic post. That's all I can say. Hugs to you and your mom and your hairy-legged offspring. BTW, tell Q I am offering to only shave one leg for a month to show some solidarity.

[Kristen]

I hope that you can make the relationship be exactly what you want it to be.

As a child I was the adult in the family. My alcoholic father left when I was 13 b/c Mom decided that there was to be no more booze in the house. 1 week later he was begging to come home. My little sister and I told her that we would move in with our grandparents if he returned. That's the only reason that she put her foot down. He died last year, but the scars stay with us.

I love her, but I don't think I'll ever understand her reasoning.

[Jaime]

Kristen---I wish I had some monumentous advice to give but, much like the birthday cards you wrote about the other day, all I can say is "I'm so sorry that happened in your life and I hope you are okay now". My mother and I had and still have a tough relationship for different reasons but isnt it amazing how one small being can make things better? Children are life's miracle and I know that you are savoring evry moment with your daughter, moments you didnt get as a child and moments that you know your mother wanted so badly.

[Melissa]

Amazing post. Don't know what to say, except thanks for sharing.

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry about your sister and for the hard times you had to endure. I suppose if there is an elusive silver lining to be found, it would be that Q has brought you and your mother back together again.

May you and your mom have a special Mother's Day this year.

{{hugs}}

[Kristina]

"...I felt you found my letters and read each one out loud."

I always knew that others had similar life experiences. I just never knew that I would find them in the blogsphere. Thank you for always letting me know I'm not alone.

[jen]

Huge things to write about. I commend you for sharing what must have been quite difficult to write. Hugs to you...seriously...

[urban child bride]

So moving. So much like my own mother's story. I don't really know how to comment on this, other than to say yes, I read it and wow, it touched me.

[fidget]

Ihave had to learn tolove my mom inspite of her loving my dad. I love my dad but I understadn that he has a total lack of control when it comes to human interaction - he is a broken ma. As he has aged, he has mellowed. I hope my private wounds do too.

Your post had me in tears, i could not imagine losing a sibling, nor could i imagne the enduring the pain of losing a child. I'm glad that you and your mother have grown closer and hope that your relationship continues to florish

[Hill]

I love your strength and your openness. I think the one requires a great deal of the other...

**hugs to you**

I miss our chats.

[mama_tulip]

I can relate to so much of what you've said about your relationship with your mother.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and for what you, as a family, had to go through.

[Sue]

A post like that leaves me wordless but wanting to reach out just the same.

I'm proud of you for having overcome such great obstacles to become the lovely, accomplished person that you are.

Hug.

[Redneck mommy]

Having a hard time commenting on this post Kristen. You bravely have put out into the big ole net the pain you endured while growing up and the ache you still feel. It was poignannt, and it made me misty eyed.

I am sorry about the loss of your sister. Reading your words, I wonder about my own kids and how they are doing.

Thank you for sharing with us, and I sincerely hope that oneday your relationship with your mom turns into everything you hope for.

[Her Bad Mother]

****tears****

I can't think of anything to say that won't sound trite or Hallmark-y. I'm tempted to use words like pain and sadness and tragedy, but you tell your story (I hope that it's okay that I call it that) so beautifully and movingly that the place that my heart lands is, what a strong, beautiful woman, so blessed to have had such a strong, beautiful mother, and so blessed to have daughter who is and will be so loved, and who will inherit so much beauty and strength.

Such an insufficient response to your so moving post, but there it is.

[Michele]

A really different side of the Kristen I usually read. Thanks for sharing this story. Good stuff to think about. Happy you are finding a comon ground with your mom.

[Mayberry]

Wow, Kristen. As Andrea said, what an amazing tribute, not only to your mom and your sister, but to yourself as well, for having come through all this and letting it make you stronger. Thanks for writing.

[J.]

That's beautiful.
Mothers and daughters ... such a complicated relationship.

I look at being a grandparent as a second chance so to speak. Spoiling and such without all of the parental guilt attached!

[Andrea]

What a touching tribute to your mother, and the power of children to put our lives in perspective. You write so well. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you figure out a way to be closer to Mimi so that Q (and you) get the benefit of many more memories to make together.

[Kvetch]

Oh Kristen. How painful. How revealing. How real. We know so much about those we read, yet we know so little. Thank you for the closer look. Really.

[Rhonda]

My eyes are all filled up with tears. That was alot to put out there Kristen. Kudos to you.

[Allie]

I'm sorry, correction. I've been reading your blog (not "post"), sorry. Wish I could be a great writer like you... :)

[Allie]

What a beautiful moving post! I've been reading your post and I absolutely love your honesty. You are REAL and that's what I like about it.

I grew up with an abusive father and I know, the pain and scars that come with that. You seem to see a way home and that is very encouraging to see. I hope that you can be able to be close to your mother.

[Karen]

That's a big post, Kristen. Brave to share the story and it's resolution. Children are a miracle because they change our worlds and paradigms completely.

[Christina]

Wow. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult childhood, but I'm glad you're beginning to make amends with your mom. My dad and I weren't on speaking terms until Cordy was born, and then he was suddenly there wanting a relationship. We're taking it very, very slowly, although unlike your mom, I know my dad wasn't trying when I was younger.

Oh, and we have something else in common. I had a sister who passed away, too. She was born premature and died two weeks after she was born, thanks to poor preemie care in the 70's. I never knew her - she was born before me. But I still feel a connection to the sister I never had. It freaked me out that Cordy's due date was the same due date my mom was given for my sister.

[krista]

Wow. Made me teary too.

I can completely imagine how 9 months must have been hard for you with your daughter.

You leave me somewhat speechles today Kristen, but I wanted you to know I was here. I read your words. My heart is aching for you about the ugly parts and glowing for you about the better parts.

[Pattie]

Wow, that post just made me cry. I am so sorry you had a difficult childhood filled with some painful memories. It seems like the birth of your daughjter is an inlet to healing between you and your mom. As far as the death of your sister, I have seen many parents have to deal with the death of a child (I was a pedi nurse in an ICU for many years) and I can say, they are NEVER the same. How can they be? The death of a child is unnatural.And yes, the HIB vaccine has helped in cases of meningiococcal meningitis, which killed many children. Too bad it came too late for children like your sister. Thanks for sharing this part of your life. You've come a long way from then, haven't you? :)