You Don't Have to Have a Kid to be a Mother

I've never pined for a child. Mine came unannounced - totally out of the blue. But now after a couple of miscarriages, I sort of know what it's like to pine - I guess I'm an infertile lite. Diet infertile?

Thing is, I have a kid. So, even if I never have any others, I still have her. For some people, it doesn't come as easy. They try for years - shots, hormones, more shots, and surgery. And many are successful, through one avenue or another, in building their family.

But others, for whatever reason, are not. And who's to say they are any less of a mother? Lord knows they probably wanted it way more than I did. Chances are they read hundreds more baby books than I did. And they probably would have loved every minute of their existence with a child a just as much if not more than I do. But one difference - no child.

It looks like *this woman won't get the chance. Her battle with cancer is nearly over and she will never be a mother. I don't know her - and I have no idea what kind of mother she would have been. But I don't really care about that now. All I know is that she really wanted to be one and now she won't get the chance. And it makes me sick.

Maybe you do have to have a kid to be called a mother, but you don't have to have one to feel like a mother, or be motherly, or motherlike. And since I can't make this woman better, save her, or give her a child, I'm doing what I can.

So, in honor of Mother's Day and HBM's lovely contest, she's my Mother of the Week. Chances are she'll never know it. But I do. And now you do.

Happy Mother's Day - to the mother in everyone, kid or not.

*Update: Cancerbaby died yesterday. I wrote this post before her passing. Peace to her family.

Comments

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[Beth]

thanks for the post, K. you always seem to write what i need to read.

happy mother's day.

[jozet]

I have been beyond words over this.

I'd been reading Cancer, Baby for over a year, and only know her through her words. I can't believe her passing has affected me in the way it has.

Yes...she has taught me more about mothering, has put into words the want, the need, the love I feel for my own children...

It is so unfair...so unfair...I've been shaking my fist at the universe over this. This woman was a true mother in heart and soul.

My heart breaks for her own mother on this day.

[SBW]

I was completely unaware as to just how many women suffer from secondary infertility ( trouble having a baby after no problems with a first pregnancy) and how many women initially have trouble getting pregnant (15%) until my nurse-midwife mentioned it to me.

And you're right, you don't have to be a biological mother to be a mother. My Grandma raised my father and his aunts after their mother passed away. She single handledly kept the family together and was a mother to more children than most biological mothers can be to a family of 10.

[mamacita tina]

Wow, very touching. It reminds me of what is truly important, and how lucky I am to have what is in my life.

[Jenn]

Lovely post - I know some amazing women who deserve to be celebrated on Mother's Day far more than some "real" moms. I think I'll go send an email or two...

Happy Mother's Day!

[Mary]

Beautiful post, K. I was saddened to read of her death and I didn't even know her. She was so young... what a tragedy.

Hope you are having a beautiful day with your sweet little girl. Happy Mother's day to you!

[Lia]

MU, you continualy challenge my thoughts and emotions. Most times I sit at my kitchen table and laugh with joy at your words, some times you move me and today you made me cry.

[Mom101]

This is just so touching. I just clicked over to the blog and sat here reading and sobbing. A tragic ending to a once hopeful story. Sometimes there's no justice in the world.

[mama_tulip]

I didn't read Cancerbaby's blog and didn't know of her story until just days before she passed. My heart aches for her husband and family. I love that you posted about her today.

Happy Mother's Day to you.

[Mommy off the Record]

This was a very nice post. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to have a child. I guess that Mother's Day is as much about people appreciating mothers as it is about mothers appreciating motherhood.

Happy mother's day to you.

[J.]

There are all types of people who can wear the badge of Mother.

Happy Mother's Day K.

So sorry to hear about cancerbaby. I lost my Mom to that same dreadful disease.

[Blog Antagonist]

It was really kind of you to remember all those who have struggled to have children. I didn't, but my sister did, and I witnessed all the pain, disappointment, and worry over the cost. I cried with her when she wondered if she would ever get pregnant. Then I got the great privilege of being there when her son, and her twins came into the world, and experiencing the transcendant joy with her and her husband.

I don't know cancerbaby, but I'm saddened that such a young and vibrant woman who had so much to offer this life has been taken. My thoughts are with her family.

[Pattie]

I understand the pain of infertility. I am blessed with three children, and each one was a result of alot of fertility treatments. I was lucky that it was successful.I agree that you don't have to BE a mom to FEEL like a Mom. My heart goes out to Cancerbaby's family. What a heartbreaking story.

[Nancy]

What a nice idea. I'm thinking of Cancerbaby and her family and friends today.

[nonlineargirl]

As someone who tried for years before having a child, I was just thinking about this issue yesterday. I'm glad you wrote about it. Not sure I can be eloquent on the topic just yet.

[Sunshine Scribe]

I love that you chose her to be your mother of the week for HBM's contest. And I love everything you said about mother's.

I know exactly how you feel. I have a child who is almost five and would love nothing more than to be a mom again but, despite my best efforts, so far this doesn't seem to be in the cards. Sending my own brand of diet infertile good vibes your way.

Wishing one of the coolest mom's I read a very happy mother's day!

[Kvetch]

Great post ~ Happy Mother's Day. Just yesterday I told my kids we were picking up a gift for someone who is very motherly toward them. Mother's Day can serve as a reminder to be grateful for all who nurture us.