On many days, I feel unworthy. This is not new. I've spent much of my life feeling unworthy. It's by no fault of my own, really. Years of emotional abuse and fundamentalist beliefs will do that to a person.
"We are all sinners and guilty of being human, bad bad humans" I was told. And I digested every bit of that for years.
And so for most of my life, I've believed that any fortunes that had come my way were based on my own merits. I worked hard and I earned it. Because if people knew who I really was, who Kristen is, then they would know the truth.
That I deserved none of it.
I always wanted a happy life, but I just never thought it was mine to have. So, I signed a contract with myself at 15 that I would never get married, and I truly believed that I would never be able to have kids. Because I didn't deserve them.
And I stuck my head in my work. Because someone made me believe I was worthless and that I was only the sum of what I could achieve. It was easier to say I didn't want them then to believe that I was not worthy to have one. "At least I wouldn't screw anyone up. Just what the world needs. Another screwed up kid" I would tell myself over and over like a skipping cd.
But when I met my daughter, things changed.
She didn't know that I had written two textbooks and made headlines as the youngest director of a music therapy undergraduate program in the country. And she didn't know I that I used to model, act, sing, and make people laugh.
And she didn't know that I had lived in pain for many years, stuck in my own inability to take control of my own life instead of letting it control me.
And frankly, she didn't care.
So while I have come to a place where I feel worthy as a person, I'm still struggling to feel worthy as a 
mother. Worthy of this sweet and dainty creature with a quick mind and a soft, gentle spirit. This little person who touches everyone who meets her and who doesn't care that I spent 15 hours in labor, breastfed her until she was 21 months old, and changed her diaper more than I care to remember. A little person who doesn't require me to prove myself in any way, shape, or form.
I've never really known a relationship like that.
And so, my little Goose, I'm not quite sure how you landed in my arms exactly 2 years ago, but I'm so thankful that you arrived. Your presence alone has given me clarity about this life.
And because of you I know that good things do happen to good people.
You're one of good ones, Goosie. And now I know that so am I.
Happy Birthday, Q!
Its amazing, isnt it how the love of a child can undo so much damage?
I was in an abusive marriage and it was the the birth of my daughter who made me realize I was worthy. Worthy of her.
So I left her father, got my shit together and here I am, 6 years later with a new man, a great man and 11 week old twin boys. I thank my beautiful babygirl every day for loving me unconditionally and giving me strength.
Posted by: Tanya | August 13, 2010 at 02:33 PM
I so needed to see this today. I was looking for something else and came accross it - divine intervention. I was feeling so very unworthy and shameful. You reminded me that I am not worthy in spite of my issues but because of them - they make me the HUMAN BEING that I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Looks like you brought the tears out in many of us. Very touching and right on time. You saved me today.
Posted by: Zoe | December 12, 2006 at 11:00 AM
Wow!
Just want to say- what a cutie!!!!
Had a fleeting thought of having another, but common sense came back and brought me down to reality.
gorgeous girl and great post though!!
Posted by: Kris | July 15, 2006 at 06:37 PM
You are worthy, and what a beautiful tribute to your daughter! Happy birthday to her! I hope she had a wonderful day.
Posted by: Undercover Angel | July 10, 2006 at 02:00 PM
yes, i have been behind on my blogstalking (not to mention posting).
your daughter is going to effing LOVE this post one day--especially when she is a mother herself.
Posted by: joy | July 10, 2006 at 01:27 PM
What a beautiful post to your daughter. I love that you feel you're "good" at being a mom!
Your daughter is adorable!
Posted by: Overwhelmed! | July 10, 2006 at 12:40 AM
She's so beautiful! Love the positive attitude in this post. You are worthy, for sure.
Posted by: Mary Tsao | July 09, 2006 at 02:52 AM
Happy birthday beautiful Q! And just so you know, we all LOVE your momma's blogs
Posted by: Lisa B | July 09, 2006 at 12:10 AM
Happy Birthday! Give your Mom a hug!
Posted by: Chag | July 08, 2006 at 11:54 PM
As always, thanks for your bravery--amazing post. Happy birthday to your cutie pie!
Posted by: Mayberry | July 08, 2006 at 11:03 PM
Happy birthday to Q & she is absolutely gorgeous!
Posted by: Petite Mommy | July 08, 2006 at 10:22 AM
Happy Birthday Q! You can't go wrong with a mama like that.
K - outstanding post. It was beautifully written and managed to articulate many things all of us struggle with every day, whether or not we have children. Thanks.
Posted by: juliness | July 08, 2006 at 08:44 AM
Happy Birthday Q!
Kristen this is such an honest and beautiful tribute to your gorgeous daughter. Good things can happen to good people and you are one of the good ones. And indeed worthy. So worthy
Posted by: Sunshine Scribe | July 08, 2006 at 07:58 AM
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful girl.
Happy Birthday, Q!
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | July 08, 2006 at 05:04 AM
Happy birthday to your little one. What a beautiful photo of her!
Posted by: Mommy off the Record | July 08, 2006 at 01:34 AM
happy birthday Q!
and, what an absolutely gorgeous post - I hope she gets to read it when she's older.
Posted by: Jenn | July 07, 2006 at 10:55 PM
I didn't know you called her Goosie too!! Not that it's so unusual, but it's a neat coincidence.
Beautiful girl. Beautiful mommy.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | July 07, 2006 at 10:24 PM
You made me cry too! What a perfect post. It is eloquently worded and communicates exactly what I have felt my whole life. I have found that the only thing I really feel I am "good at" is being a mom. This is what I was meant to do, and I know that deep down inside. Sometimes it is hard to feel good as a woman, a wife, a homemaker, a friend. But I can always look at my precious boy and see what I have brought into the world knowing that I have done something right. And that gives me peace.
Posted by: Michelle | July 07, 2006 at 10:00 PM
Happy birthday, Q!
And you, lady? I haven't met you in person yet, but I can tell you that you are worthy. You are an amazing person worthy of all the happiness a person can have. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, or I'll have to pummel them senseless.
Posted by: Christina | July 07, 2006 at 09:14 PM
Ok, you got me back. I'm crying too. (Yes, it's all about me, isn't it.)
In seriousness, I'm sitting here reading this with my mom who is one of your biggest fans and we're both just awed by this, by you, by your writing, by your honesty, by your gorgeous daughter. It's amazing how these little people can bring out things in ourselves that we never knew were in there.
You are worthy. I'll swear to it in court.
Posted by: Mom101 | July 07, 2006 at 07:59 PM
Happy Birthday Q & Kristen! Love!!!
Posted by: GIRLS GONE CHILD | July 07, 2006 at 07:48 PM
Kristen, That was beautiful. Very touching. Love the pictures too. Such a beautiful baby...um...big girl.
Happy 2nd Birthday Quinlan!
Posted by: Melissa | July 07, 2006 at 05:51 PM
Happy Birthday, sweetie!!!!
And yes, you are more than worthy. That little girl has been blessed with an out-of-this-world mommy.
Congratulations on two years of motherhood! You are an inspiration.
Posted by: jozet | July 07, 2006 at 05:12 PM
Oh my holy goodness, she is a-dorable!!! Were you kind of freaking out about her turning 2? My little girl turns 2 on Tuesday and I just can't believe it! I swear you would think she's turning 16 or something (oh lourd what am I going to do when she turns 16?).
I hope you both have a wonderful day.
Posted by: Silly Hily | July 07, 2006 at 04:57 PM
Happy Birthday Q!
Posted by: chelle | July 07, 2006 at 04:27 PM
It sounds like she brought out the best in you and THAT, is very good. Happy Birthday to both of you!
Posted by: Mega Mom | July 07, 2006 at 02:56 PM
Happy Birthday, Quinlan! May you (and your mama) have a wonderful year :)
Posted by: Izzy | July 07, 2006 at 02:06 PM
What a beauty she is. Happy Birthday Q. You are one lucky little lady!
Posted by: Stacy | July 07, 2006 at 02:04 PM
Happy birthday and congratulations on enjoying and celebrating your daughter and your motherhood!
I was on vacation for two weeks and your was the blog I most missed! Keep truckin' - I love it!
Posted by: Bri | July 07, 2006 at 01:57 PM
And people say babies that young don't smile... That is one cute picture. (They both are actually)
Posted by: krista | July 07, 2006 at 01:50 PM
Damn right you're worthy, Kristen. She's lucky to have you.
And you're lucky to have her, too.
Happy Birthday to her! You done good, Mom. :)
Posted by: mamatulip | July 07, 2006 at 01:29 PM
That was beautiful, Kristin. You made me cry (not that that's hard to do, mind you, but it did). I've struggled with this my whole life.
Happy 2nd birthday, Q.
Posted by: FishyGirl | July 07, 2006 at 01:08 PM
Happy Birthday, Q! Hope it's a fantastic day! You BOTH deserve it!
Posted by: Andrea | July 07, 2006 at 12:55 PM
Happy 2nd birthday, Q!
And a very happy day to the ones who gave you life. :)
Posted by: JChase | July 07, 2006 at 12:48 PM
That was a beautiful and empowering post.
Thank you.
Posted by: KC | July 07, 2006 at 12:47 PM
Happy birthday to your wonderful girl!
I am so sorry that people taught you that happiness is held back from the imperfect. Thankfully for all of us, it just comes, whether we "deserve" it or not. I am glad you can enjoy it, even if you don't always believe you've earned it.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | July 07, 2006 at 12:38 PM
Happy 2nd Birthday Q!
Oh how I love the smiling baby photo just as much as the frowning toddler photo! She's a beauty.
You both deserve all the goodness of the Mississippi - whoops make that the WORLD!
Posted by: something blue | July 07, 2006 at 12:32 PM
Oh Kristen, that was beautiful and poignant.
You are worthy, and who will empower her to know how worthy SHE is, no strings attached...
Posted by: Dawn | July 07, 2006 at 12:30 PM
Happy Birthday Q!!!
Posted by: laura | July 07, 2006 at 12:29 PM
Oh, you are, you are one of the good ones! And she, too - how could she not be? Happy birthday to her, and happy birth-day to you, good mother.
I'm honoured to (virtually) know you - *this* you, the super-funny-cool-smart-kind-Q's mama-you that you've shared out here. Thanks.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | July 07, 2006 at 12:13 PM
Wonderful post... Happy Birthday to your little girl!
Posted by: Kristin | July 07, 2006 at 11:35 AM
Happy Birthday to Q!
And you are most definitely worthy of all the good you have in your life.
Posted by: Stephanie A. | July 07, 2006 at 11:30 AM
Aww Happy Birthday, Little One!
And yes....motherhood and parenting is the key to finding who we really are and how good it is to be us and to be there for others and seen as wonderful and special through tiny eyes!
(long sentence, I am still sleepy)
Posted by: Crunchy Carpets | July 07, 2006 at 11:13 AM
K--
Knowing you for as long as I have (in the *actual* world) has been one of the greatest parts about my life. You are and have always been worthy and I'm glad that you've finally arrived at the 'Kristen is a cool kid' party.
Happy B-day to Q and happy anniversary to you and your Motherhood.
Oh. And you STILL make people laugh. Don't make me tell the 'Fear Factor Thong' story to prove it.
Posted by: BFF | July 07, 2006 at 10:59 AM
Beautiful post, mom. Happy birthday to the little Q. :)
Posted by: Chase | July 07, 2006 at 10:48 AM
Aw, Happy Birthday, Q!
I am also amazed, as a mother, to see how much healing, transformative power there is in the unconditional love of a child.
Posted by: jaelithe | July 07, 2006 at 10:44 AM
You are worthy, You are worthy!
Q: You have a fantastic mother. Happy Birthday to you Little One. Like your mother, you are beautiful and sweet and I wish I knew you in "real life". Grow up strong, smart, and happy!
Posted by: Jaime | July 07, 2006 at 10:32 AM
Happy birthday, Q! Be thankful that you have such a great mother who loves and cares for you so much. You're a lucky girl!
Posted by: MetroDad | July 07, 2006 at 10:32 AM
Happy Birthday Q! Such a nice post! Birthdays always make me stop and reflect on how great my kids really are instead of being so caught up in the daily grind.
Posted by: Dee Dee | July 07, 2006 at 10:30 AM
Happy Birthday Quinlan!
such a beautiful name, btw.
Posted by: Mrs. Chicky | July 07, 2006 at 10:28 AM
Beautiful words... Happy birthday Q!
Posted by: ddaddy in a strange land | July 07, 2006 at 10:17 AM
What a great post! Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter and happy Friday to her wonderful and very worthy mother!
Posted by: Nicole | July 07, 2006 at 09:58 AM