Aside from housing a baby, I've learned over my last three pregnancies that the large protruding belly does quite well in blocking out what you probably don't want to see, for fear of sending you into premature labor. That would include the large swollen feet, ashy dry knees, and the gigantic vagina.
So long little pink petunia. Hello pacific palm.
Since enduring my last brazilian wax all in the name of research that is, I've resorted to shaving - mostly for convenience, not necessarily because it hurt like a motherfucker. I tend to think the upper lip and eyebrows are more uncomfortable, except when you're exactly 36.2 weeks pregnant and you've got a baby resting on your pelvis and all your blood centered mostly around your pubis.
But truthfully, the jungle was scarily overgrown, and while I can't necessarily see it, it had become quite clear that it was there.
Very there.
So against my own personal recommendation, I decided to get an extra thin bikini wax, performed by my lovely neighbor who does such things and other less painful spa treatments in the comfort of her basement. It's waaaaaaay less trashy than it sounds; in fact, she has an inflatable jumpy castle so you can basically bring your kids, get your hair ripped out, and then go on your merry way.
Genius.
Now, since I hadn't endured the way in a long time, I didn't have the proper preparations in order, like the no bump lotion, alcohol, and living will, but I figured, it couldn't be that bad. Orgasmic bikini waxes, anyone? Maybe there's hope.
And really, it wasn't terrible, regardless of the whole strip vs. hot wax debate. In fact, aside from a few ass jumps off the table (which is pretty damn good considering I can barely lift my ass off the table voluntarily), I was perfectly fine until I actually agreed to look in the mirror.
Youch.
Let's just say that a blind pilot could land on this strip.
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Posted by: visitx | October 03, 2013 at 03:40 AM
True, shaving is a convenient and cost-effective way to remove all the hair, but it only makes the hair grow thicker. It can also leave a dark spot. Waxing fares better since it removes all the hair, and it slows down hair growth. You just need to deal with some pain for a while, especially when you're preggy. Ouch!
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Posted by: supra shoes | November 06, 2010 at 03:10 AM
I got waxed before I went on vacation to Jamaica back in May, so I was about five months pregnant then. They say that waxing hurts more when you're pregnant. THEY'RE NOT KIDDING. I'm not a huge fan of waxing, but I usually get a bikini wax before vacations, and I often maintain it over the summer. So I'm used to the idea. This time though I was literally jumping off the table, crying out in pain, with tears & mascara running down my face. It was awful. I had to waddle back to work (did it during my lunch hour) and try not to move too much the rest of the day. I have not had another one since then, and I don't give a damn if the entire hospital sees my au natural cooch when I give birth any day. Beats getting waxed again. :P
Posted by: Pencils | September 12, 2008 at 08:24 PM
I remember being that pregnant and having a gi-normous, all-encompassing pussy; just another one of those things no one tells you about in pregnancy books or girly circles.
The worst part is I used to sweat like a crackwhore in church and the gargantuan, swollen 'Bertha' would produce so much sweat that I carried baby wipes and powder w/me at ALL times.
Never had my box waxed, but I'm sure nobody would be interested in a nappy mustache down there...
'till next time...
Posted by: The Ish | September 12, 2008 at 12:47 PM
This afternoon I will endure the pain that is the Brazilian Wax. I'm addicted to them. Faithful to them for the past 6 years now and will very likely (one day) haul my 70 year old v-jay-jay in there for one. Not to mention my man loves the result and that means play time!
My advice, pop two Tylenol one hour before hand. Have a friend drive you there, so that you drop a swig of bourbon is helpful too.
Posted by: Lori | September 12, 2008 at 10:32 AM
That's funny, because I had my first bikini wax a few months after my first daughter was born. The woman waxing me apologized every time she thought it was going to hurt me, but I just laughed and laughed. Because after childbirth, you know, what was that?
But then again, this wasn't Brazilian. Also, I was not pregnant anymore at that point.
Posted by: Carrie | September 12, 2008 at 12:56 AM
I used to wax. It was like watching a panicked boxer psyche himself up for a bout--C'mon, ok, shake it off, you can do it, ready, ready ok pull.
Now it's shaving and suffering the consequences.
Posted by: Amanda | September 11, 2008 at 11:36 PM
After 3 kids, I have spent time looking into those plastic surgeons that make it a beautiful pink petunia again...but then I'd feel the need to run around ala Britney screaming "look how pretty my cooter is again!"
Posted by: Anissa@Hope4Peyton | September 11, 2008 at 10:37 PM
You are one brave woman! :)
Posted by: SuZ | September 11, 2008 at 07:28 PM
I love that last line....ha,ha,ha...blind pilot...ha,ha,ha:-)
Posted by: susieshomemade | September 11, 2008 at 06:38 PM
Oh my god. I could never summon up enough courage to do that. You are BRAVE, woman. BRAVE.
Posted by: mamatulip | September 11, 2008 at 06:11 PM
You did that when PREGNANT? Why do they make me feel like such a tramp when I ask for it at the salon????
Posted by: Wep | September 11, 2008 at 06:00 PM
If you can find it, No Scream Cream is fabulous. It doesn't take away the pain, but it takes the edge off. Like a cocktail for your bikini area.
Posted by: Cecilia | September 11, 2008 at 04:23 PM
I could never wax when I was pregnant, I was too chicken, everything was just a little too sesitive!
Posted by: Tuesday | September 11, 2008 at 04:20 PM
I had a bikini wax when I was pregnant and ended up with bruises. The hair was gone, but in its place were to gigantic bruises where the wax had been.
Posted by: heatherw | September 11, 2008 at 03:17 PM
My VERY FIRST brazilian wax happened when I was preggo with baby #2. I don't know how I survived but I've been waxing ever since.
I learned the hard way this is no do-it-yourself kinda thing:
http://meredithmiami.blogspot.com/2008/07/conversations-with-my-swimwear.html
Posted by: Meredith | September 11, 2008 at 02:45 PM
I might get a brazilian wax (never had one before) and afraid I migh scare the spa lady. I don't know...I guess they have seen worse!
Posted by: Mrs Mogul | September 11, 2008 at 02:40 PM
You know, I can't think of any of my neighbors I want to know that well.
Posted by: M&Co. | September 11, 2008 at 01:33 PM
I've had my own wax disasters, http://www.JenniferSuarez.com/Journal/oneBlog.cfm?journal_entry_pk=375
So I can tooooootally relate to your pain - literly.
Posted by: Jen | September 11, 2008 at 01:30 PM
I still haven't been brave enough to get a bikini wax! I've always said I wanted to - just never have.
And I made my husband do the shaving for me while I was pregnant!
Posted by: Amy | September 11, 2008 at 01:27 PM
@backpackingdad - my husband will be glad that you assume he has a gigantic head bashing penis.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | September 11, 2008 at 01:27 PM
and "delte" obviously means "delete and I was laughing so hard at my own comment that I couldn't proof read it"
Posted by: Backpacking Dad | September 11, 2008 at 01:15 PM
Well, without all of that extra cushioning now you really do need to be on guard against the dented head.
Holy graphic image Batman.
"post" or "delte"? hmmm.....
Post.
Posted by: Backpacking Dad | September 11, 2008 at 01:15 PM
Ha you funny thing!
I was just talking about man and woman "scaping" the other day and then realized that most everyone I talk to likes to keep theirs trimmed in some shape or form - man and woman. Immediately I panic because, though I trim the hedge, I do not always go to such an extent. So like you, I may have to brave the wax!
Ouch...
You are brave!
Posted by: Tori | September 11, 2008 at 01:08 PM
I have been thinking about this very seriously the last few weeks. I am also hugely pregnant. Since I usually just trim with scissors I am a little apprehensive about it. I would just do a trim but my arms aren't long enough now. Who knew you would need not only a weirdly positioned mirror but arms the length of a mountain ape? :)
Posted by: Gwen | September 11, 2008 at 12:23 PM
Waxing sucks. I had a Brazilian a couple of years ago and didn't know what I was getting into. That lady put me in some compromising positions. I told her that people usually pay ME to be able to do this to me but she was getting away with it and I had to pay her. How is that fair? I was kidding, of course.
Posted by: Casey | September 11, 2008 at 12:22 PM
OUCH...I got a wax at nine months....it took months before I was willing to brave that again!
Posted by: The Stiletto Mom | September 11, 2008 at 12:11 PM
HAHAHA. I found this post on StumbleUpon and almost fell out of my chair laughing.
Posted by: Daddy | September 11, 2008 at 12:04 PM
I love that last line.
Posted by: Issa | September 11, 2008 at 12:04 PM
OMG. I wouldn't be caught naked when I'm pregnant, let alone doing the wax thang.
I, too, ventured into the world of waxing... albeit the do-it-yourself kind where you go to Sally's Beauty Supply, buy your kit, nevermind the instructions and then sit and cry on your bathroom floor when the fucking wax won't come off your... erm... leg.
Hello, razors... I missed you.
Posted by: Undomestic Diva | September 11, 2008 at 11:55 AM
Oh my goodness, I kept up with the waxing all through my pregnancy, but it was SO much more painful than when I wasn't pregnant!! Possibly because I wasn't able to pop 4 advil right before I went, but whatever. OUCH!!!
Posted by: muffintop | September 11, 2008 at 11:26 AM
I'm with Waltz in Exile.
Still laughing at the title.
Holy Moses.
Posted by: the new girl | September 11, 2008 at 11:04 AM
You continue to rise above and beyond the call of sanity! I salute you.
I cannot imagine having one of my neighbors do something like that, but maybe it's just a "sisterhood" thing. I mean, what do you guys say to each other when you're out getting the newspaper, or borrowing those cups of sugar?
I think she should have to strip down and lay on a be-stirruped table in YOUR basement for awhile, just to even things out.
Posted by: LiteralDan | September 11, 2008 at 10:43 AM
I also braved the bikini wax late in pregnancy. It doesn't feel good, no, but it was much easier than I thought.
Posted by: anna | September 11, 2008 at 10:36 AM
That website about Ecstatic Birth was a really interesting, kinda strange read. Thanks for linking it.
Also, I am wondering how on earth I am going to control my own "burning bush" once my baby gets in the way. I don't think I can convince my husband to trim it for me, but I am sure as hell going to try...
Posted by: Tatiana | September 11, 2008 at 09:56 AM
You're brave, Lady. 9th month I just went the route of an electric razor on the visible parts and called it a day.
But oh, the horrors of a Brazilian wax. Asked for a bikini wax the day before my wedding. Got the whole 9 instead and literally bled out of every pore. Didn't see that until after I put on my adorable white bridal lingerie. White lace and pin sized red spots. Polka dots? Sexy.
Luckily, we were too tired from the wedding and honeymoon travel to even test that. Had a day to heal before the "party".
Posted by: Jasi | September 11, 2008 at 09:51 AM
I've never understood the whole bikini wax thing even when not pregnant. There are much less painful ways to remove that hair. You sure you hadn't been drinking? That's the only way I'd get a bikini wax, pregnant or not.
Posted by: Amanda | September 11, 2008 at 09:24 AM
Best. Blog. Title. EVER.
Thank you; I am going to laugh all day.
Posted by: WaltzInExile | September 11, 2008 at 09:16 AM
Ouch. You're brave to endure a bikini wax PERIOD. Forget being uber pregnant.
Just wanted to say, I'm a big fan of your blog. Keep on keeping on. And best of luck with #3!
Posted by: April | September 11, 2008 at 09:11 AM
You are one BRAVE woman!
Posted by: Amanda | September 11, 2008 at 09:01 AM
I have to say, you are a brave woman to endure a bikini wax while THAT PREGNANT. Although I've seriously considered it, I've never actually had a bikini wax myself (more or less b/c I'm a chicken shit) and I don't think I'd ever be able to it pregnant no less...unless maybe I was drunk. Ahhhahaha.
Posted by: Christy | September 11, 2008 at 08:34 AM