Motherhood Uncensored

Free birth control aka my trip to Wegman's and Sports Authority last night

Last night I decided it might be fun to go out to dinner at Wegman's, followed by Sports Authority and then Home Depot, which is not something out of the ordinary for people with no children, but generally not for people with children, let alone had FOUR OF THEM.

Maybe it's the cheese steaks and WAWA coffee taking over my brain because there's just no good that can come out of that whatsoever. 

But at dinner time? On a Friday? 

The last attempt at Wegman's alone with four kids a few days ago ended with me doing the "you stand here and you stand here and you stand over here and don't move until I say so" which seems like the best last resort at the time but doesn't actually work because you're distracted by the bagger putting your eggs in with your orange juice and suddenly they are playing tag again in the checkout line and you're apologizing to the 17-year old cashier who looks visibly afraid. 

So why not try it again?

Because I enjoy torture, or really, not cooking and instead paying $389,123 for prepared food from a hot bar so my kids can sit in tiny benches and stare at a television screen while I shove the first meal of the day down my gullet. 

And aside from the fighting over the high chairs, we actually made it through dinner in a totally not-appropriate Emily Post is rolling in her grave this is the sort of thing that people will judge us for situation. 

SpongeBob is my babysitter

(Totally turning that into a bumper sticker)

But the problem with a semi-successful dinner outing is that you get all brave and ballsy and HELL YEAH I'M GOOD AT THIS PARENTING SHIT, MOTHER EFFERS and you think that you can stop at other places and do all the errands because well...

you're dumb. 

TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE. 

Leave while you're ahead, woman. Enjoy the sweet taste of victory (which is gulped down falafel and tofu curry if you're wondering) and leave. 

And really, it wasn't too bad with the kids waving lacrosse sticks at each other, then trying on 20 pairs of roller skates, until Bridget decided she didn't want to wear shoes in the store and threw them at me. 

So I tried to put them back on and that was well, loud, and then she took them off again, at which point a seemingly nice lady decided to "help" me by letting me know that my "other one" was a little far away and "well you might want to..." Which what? What do I might want to do exactly? TELL ME. Because right now I'm trying to put shoes on a screaming 2-year old and unless my child is on fire, I'm pretty sure she's fine.

And really, given how her sister is screaming like someone cut off her feet, I doubt anyone will want to take any person related to her. 

Turns out, my shoe-wearing offspring (who are very good about staying together, by the way) were all standing with their face in the vagina of a mannequin laughing hysterically because LOOK HOW TALL I AM MOMMY NOSE IS RIGHT IN HER... 

Yeah okay then. I'm sorry what were you saying, ma'am?

So hey thanks for the tip, lady, no need to worry. Just here, spreading a little birth control (and sex education, apparently) to my fellow humans at Sports Authority on a Friday night. 

{photo via}

Home.

There's a dark green carpet in my new family room that is already my nemesis. I suppose any color carpet and four kids is a terrible combination, like beer and tequila and that one night at the dance club 15 years ago. 

I have yet to crack the code of the thermostat, which thankfully was stuck on cold and not off (says she who decided to move on the hottest day of the year). Though it would be nice to know that when I put it on auto cool, that doesn't mean on heat. 

But hey, it's still more predictable that my 2-year old.

The first couple of nights, it just didn't feel like home, which is funny for me since my places of residence have never felt like home. My transient lifestyle took me all over the midwest, then the south, then the tour de inlaws, then back to the south again and I never thought of myself as someone who could be settled in a place so much that I'd really miss it. 

I've never really been attached to stuff, mostly because I never actually had ownership of anything growing up, my dad the kind of person who would give in a good mood, then take away in a bad one, so I learned to never hold onto anything, tangible anyway. 

But even though my home in Atlanta was poorly decorated, unless you count toddler drawings on the walls and play-doh speckles on the carpet, I suppose it became mine over the years. The place where two of my kids were born, one literally, filled with all sorts of memories that can't be packed in a box. 

Nonetheless, they're brought with me here as I settle into the 'burbs of Philly, now just a few miles from my people, a few more from my family. 

Since I've arrived, I've felt as though I couldn't breathe, the next in my odd series of psychosomatic symptoms I've been experiencing lately, leaving me to wonder if I was having some sort of allergic reaction to the house, the new surroundings. 

My in-laws. (ha). 

The first time I've seen my mom in over a year. 

But then my friend arrived, and my kids returned from a weekend at the beach, and all our kids played and fought and ate and fought again. The emails, updates, and texts from old friends now close have been a warm welcome.

Suddenly I could breathe.

And it's starting to feel like home.

Because who couldn't use $20,000?

I interrupt the massive unpacking in 2910 degree heat (because, hey, why not move on the HOTTEST week in history, or something like that) to tell you about a cool thing from my sponsor Happy Family. 

Remember that funny video I did? Or really, they did where I just said a few things and waved my arms around? 

Well, apparently YOU can submit your own photo or video and possibly win $20,000 towards your kid's education. 

I will not say how much that will actually get you these days *coughtextbookscough* but dude, it's $20,000 which ain't too shabby. 

Actually, it's pretty awesome. 

Just head over to the Happy Family Facebook page for details. Entering is super easy, as in, telling a story about trying to get your kid to eat or sharing a video of them. 

Now back to cleaning and possibly painting and unpacking a ridiculous amount of LEGOs. Grrrrr. 

The Big Change

We've lived in Atlanta for almost seven years now, arriving back in 2007 in the middle of a southern summer, with a toddler and baby who couldn't even crawl, thrilled to be escaping my in-laws' house for one of our very own. 

Now there are four kids, with needs beyond what can be offered to them here. The schools we like and believe are best for our children cost money, and the choice between kindergarten and college, well, seems a bit ridiculous. 

My work (and the opportunity for more) takes me more frequently to New York these days, most of which by my own choice, but some of it because that's where it has to be. 

And the siren call of dear friends and some dear family, and let's be honest, the ability to drop them off for an evening while I go drink coffee and breathe is too great, especially as my kids get older.

So we're off, driving in the opposite direction that we did almost exactly seven years ago. This time to our own home. Closer to friends, family, and the Liberty Bell. 

How to get your kids to eat vegetables

A long time ago, I discovered that I could get Drew to eat vegetables if I lied. 

Well, not completely lying. I call it being "creative." 

And really, let's be honest here. The Jedis could have actually been sucking down green and white cauliflower in their bowls. Who really knows?

So when Happy Family asked me to be one of their Bright Side bloggers and share a funny story about getting my kids to eat, I knew exactly which one it would be. 

But then the whole "STAR WARS" and "JEDI" thing was a little bit of a problem (oh you know, trademarks and copyrights and all that jazz), and then the story just didn't have the same ring to it.

"Eat your veggies like your favorite super hero-type person with a light saber does." 

Meh. 

But sometimes spontaneity is awesome, or is made awesome thanks to real life improv actors from the Upright Citizens Brigade who took my story and turned it into this hilarious video (It's only 1:41 people, watch it): 

Don't ask about the scarf, which was a fix because my shirt was a solid color like the actors and I was supposed to look "normal" and not "actorly" and so, well, they added a scarf. Also, the shirt + jeans = total muffin top moment there, which okay never wearing THAT shirt on camera again. 

You should definitely check out the others, particularly Kristen Howerton's, which makes me crack up every time. Nice to know she's a liar too.

Thanks to my sponsor Happy Family (which oddly sounds like I'm in AA, but I'm not) for this fun opportunity. And by the way, if you share your own story on their Facebook page, you could win $20,000 towards college for your kid. Pretty rad.